Not a Shadow

It feels strange to me that life can be so blossomy and so dark at the same time.  I feel like a little bud, closed in on myself in a dark place, waiting to uncurl into the light. 

Hearing from friends who are in horrid situations, and learning about the family skeletons has made me paranoid, fearful, unable to sleep (unless it is coupled with nightmares), and stressed until I think a breakdown is inevitable.  I know there is nothing I can do to remedy any of the situations, but the constant worry about who might be next or what will happen in the present situations is wearing me down.  The fear of the unknown is what burdens me the most.

On the other hand, I have absolutely lovely things going on in my life -- chances to be artistic, renewed friendships, deepening relationships, and the opportunity to celebrate with friends (three!) who will be married to their loves this year...all of that is rosy and happy and spring-like.

How can good and bad be so intertwined?

But it reminds me that when everything is going well, I forget I need Him.

It is so easy for me to slip into a routine of being busy, to avoid thinking or getting close to people or examining myself.  It is so easy for me to forget that I need Him more than the air I breathe.

And maybe this is a season of realizing that no matter how He blesses me, I can do nothing without Him and would be foolish to try.  He guides my steps, protects me, and leads me toward Him, beckoning towards the light.

Without Him, I would be an empty husk, being yanked around by the wind.  Life would be cold and meaningless.

To traverse the dark places with Him, to know that He never leaves, He reminds me to trust Him absolutely.

This is what I'm learning.

It's like I'm leading two different lives -- the surface life, the one with a job, an apartment that forever needs cleaning, grocery shopping, paying bills...

And then there's the deeper life -- the swim through dark water, the descent into the darkness of the valley, wherein I confront the monsters hiding in my lair -- those of anger, fear, and misery.  The Shadow Lands.  The unfinished place that will be complete only when He arrives. 

On that day, I will not be a shadow any longer.