Complete!

I wrote 100 pages for ScriptFrenzy 2010!!!

A huge sigh of relief is in order.

WHEW.

I really didn't think I could pull it off.

What's weird is that it was about 40,000 words less than NaNo and I felt much better in NaNo knowing I could just spill out words and that they would count. Writing 100 pages of script is MUCH MUCH MUCH harder. At least for me.

And now that I'm done with these two episodes, it's time to consider whether I want to keep writing episodes or if I really want to turn this story into novel form. It would be 3-5 books or seasons, either way.

Friends' suggestions seem to be book-form right now. If they got published (eventually someday when I'm forty) they might make it as movies.

I've just gone back and forth and I think T.V. might suit the story better.

Although I prefer writing in novel format.

I don't know. One day I think novel form is way better, and other days, I stubbornly want to stick to my screenplay.

We'll see.

But for now, I'm done with ScriptFrenzy and I have the weekend to sew before heading off to another edit of Violet's Monster: Volume I.

Pattern

I drew a top yesterday that I really want to make out of leftover fabric from my 2nd dress (which is still in the works - the 1st and 3rd were completed nicely but the 2nd is giving me trouble).

It's not an inspired design, I saw something like it on Craftster.com, but it would make such a cute summer top to pair with black pants or capris. So I'm going to make it.

Sketched it out last night and figured out what pattern pieces I need so now I just need to cut the fabric and start sewing. Should take me about an hour and a half.

Pattern-making is really fun for me. It's like a puzzle. You make a design and then figure out where pieces should be and what shape they are and how big they should be and it's challenging sometimes (the back piece is always smaller than I think it is), but very rewarding when you can say you made your own pattern.

Anyway...that's what's been occupying my brain for the last day or so. :P

Write?

Last night we had a writers' meeting so I took my ScriptFrenzy project (well, 5 pages of it - it's now over 70 pages!) for some critiquing.

It was a lot of fun. I like people reading my stuff (but not out loud) and I like peoples' suggestions and criticisms...I feel like it helps me zero in on problem spots and encourages me to do better with every draft.

So last night we got to talking about how the screenplay I'm writing would be really good (maybe not necessarily better) as a YA novel.

I'm intrigued. I've gone back and forth between whether this was a T.V. show or a book for years now.

Maybe I'll give it a shot and write the first book this summer when I need a break from Violet's Monster.

I'm going to be sitting in the office all summer anyway.

It was nice to hear that people like what I write, and I think some of my ideas definitely have publishing potential.

Knowing someone who has a writing contract with a publisher does help a lot.

Maybe someday I'll be in their shoes!

If I don't audition for and win Project Runway. :P

Gentleman's Lady Update

with only 3 more days to go, I have about 30 more pages to write. For a rough-draft script, that's going to be easy...as long as I can get myself to write.

I get bogged down when I read the script. It's not great. It might not even be good. But, I say to myself, it's a first draft. A ROUGH draft. It's going to be this way any time I try to write something for the first time.

Writing is re-writing.

Sigh.

Sometimes I wish it wasn't.

:P

There are a few things I'm happy about:

I really like one of the fighting scenes I've written. Since action is my favorite thing to imagine (it's harder to write, but still fun), I really, really love seeing a fight come together. Complete with banter, force fields, and emotion, this scene turned out alright for a first draft.

I'm surprised that one of my characters from season 2 popped up in the 2nd episode of the first season. What the heck?! Oh, well. She's moving the plot along quite nicely, so I can't complain.

I'm excited about this series. I think it would be about 3 or 4 seasons, maybe 5, so perhaps at some point in the future I'll write an episode here, an episode there, edit a few, and eventually I'll get to the point where I'll have every episode written and be able to send it off to sci-fi (or SyFy, which is ridiculous) and make a crap-ton of money off of it. XD

Actually I'd prefer it be on something like Showtime (50 min. eps. are the norm and there can be graphic violence).

Anywho...gotta get back to writing...so close to page 70! Every ten pages I get to update my page count status on scriptfrenzy.org.

Is it sad that I find this motivation enough to keep writing today?

On My Way

I found fabric on sale at Wal-Mart *Shudder* the other night - a wonderful creme, red, and black plaid stretch for $2/yd. I made a pattern and sewed for about 3 hours last night and voila! I now have a really cute, ankle-length sundress.

I feel good today.

I've got my nails painted black, I'm wearing my short-sleeved black turtleneck, and my sundress, and boots. I feel more together than I have of late.

Now if only I could go home and feel like washing the dishes. :P

Wearing pretty clothing and knowing that I like the way I look does a lot for me. It makes me happier which makes me more creative which makes me more productive which results in completed projects. So yay for a lovely new sundress!

I've got some fabric left over and I'm thinking of making some knickers.

I know.

But I adore them.

Here We Go

I'm ready for the fashion show.

I've got my nails painted, my hair in a faux hawk, the camera, and every single possible thing I could need to fix whatever goes wrong. *knock on wood*

I just wish I was walking the runway this year.

Maybe next year I'll enter two outfits. :)

Wish me luck!!

Hope It Gives You Hell

All-American Rejects & Glee. Awesome.

This is my song for today.

Zephyr

Can't this spring breeze just stay over for the summer?

It's exactly the right thing to remind me that this next season is meant to be peaceful.

Jaws

Da-da. Da--da. Da-da-Da-da-Da-da...

Anyway.

That's how I feel about the Runway show. I feel like...I need to get my act together and go ahead and finish the outfit...but I was so tired last night! I'm also nervous about my outfit. What if I can't finish it in time? What will i wear?!

I had a nightmare last night that my hair grew out to my back and I was trying to cut it back to its new length so I could be ready for the fashion show which I then panicked about because it was 6 and I'm supposed to be there at 5...and then I realized (in my dream) that it was only Thursday...

I'm really happy to be in the fashion show this year but I'm really sad I'm not modeling. I'm also concerned that there won't be enough color in my outfit to really stand out. Which is ridiculous b/c I'm going to have pink rain boots (which I'm SO excited about, thanks Abbie!!), blue/green polka dot fabric, and blue earrings.

SIGH.

It's weird too when people hear the idea and immediately say "You should be on Project Runway!" I have ZERO experience so far. Ok, maybe 2% experience. Still. I've only sewed on two or three machines (not a serger or anything complicated like that), a few different fabrics. I mean...it would be kind of cool to be on Project Runway, but I would only do it if I could really concentrate on sewing/designing for the next few years and really feel like I was 'prepared' (know-how wise) before applying.

Eeek.

THE SHOW IS ON FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ever

I've known them for five years and whenever I'm around them, I think,

"Why aren't we friends yet?"

Fitting

Well,

I have to say, last night was really fun. My model showed up and we went to work! I pinned and pinned for quite a while but then I sewed up the top and the skirt and now all I have to do is finish up some odds and ends!

1. Put snaps on the skirt
2. put off-the-shoulder straps on the top
3. Make the raindrop earrings
4. unscrew the wooden umbrella handle for a bracelet (?)

That's about it...I'm surprised with how quickly it went, we only worked for an hour and a half! And some of that was ironing (!!!).

So now it's on to figuring out how I want my dress to look and to get that finished.

Scary

Sometimes things just happen and you have no idea what's really behind them until they're finished.

It's frightening.

Dress

I had to recut one pattern (the back), but I had plenty of leftover fabric so I still have some extra in case I mess up.

The top is coming together quite well - I need to finish the raw edges and then insert the side zipper.

The skirt is giving me something to think about. I purposely cut it long so now I'm thinking:

-Do I want a floor length skirt?
-Do I want a slit to the knee?
-Do I want it short with a slit in the back?
-How do I make it fit my curves?
-Do I really want a form fitting dress when my tummy will be sticking out like I'm pregnant? (SIGH)

Hm.

Hmm, Hmm, Hmm.

We shall see how the skirt turns out. I'm also concerned with sewing the cowl on...but it will look so pretty that I have to give it a try. It will be off the shoulder, and then I have some beaded fringe that I'm making into a necklace - it's green, which matches the jacket I'm modifying. (Cutting the sleeves to gathered cap sleeves, taking in the sides)

Whew.

Lot of work. But hopefully it pays off and I can show off my creations on the 23rd!

Project - ?

Watching a season of Project Runway in a week has made me want to sew, sew, sew. Although I don't think I'd ever want to do Project Runway (Too much pressure!!!), it's fun to think of what I would make for different challenges.

My mom and I made a dress last weekend so I thought I'd try one on my own - I found a tutorial for a sundress on craftster.com (The Dragon Dress), and I'm modifying it into a rather sleek, very professional dress - pencil skirt w/ slit, a cowl neck, and a side zipper. !!! Can I do it?! We'll find out. I'm also making jewelry to go with it and modifying a mens' jacket to make it a little more fun. I already have shoes.

Putting outfits together is very fun for me - I love thinking about how fabrics work together, how colors complement each other, and what jewelry brings out the best of the outfit. That part of being a fashion designer would come easy for me.

Making my own pattern was a little intimidating but since it's a simple tube top and skirt it was mostly a bunch of squares and rectangles. I just really hope it turns out like how I imagine it. If it does...I might be sewing more often.

The only problem with starting a new hobby is the money involved. I don't have enough fabric to last me very long. I'll be modifying clothing right and left but it's not quite as much fun as taking a flat piece of fabric and making it into a beautiful piece of clothing.

I really need to catch up on ScriptFrenzy, finish the umbrella outfit for Runaway Runway, and write the short story that's been waiting inside my brain for the past few days...but the sewing machine is calling and for now, that's where I'm headed.

It feels...exhilarating to sit behind a machine and watch something come together. I feel almost out of control but sort of in control and I watch and hope it all comes together correctly.

I like these feelings.

Older

I feel much older than 22 today.

Grownup; and Pieces

Having my mom here was like being a 12 year old kid again. I was sick this weekend so my mom washed the dishes and did my laundry, and that was nice, but she also wanted Parker to be out all the time (read: irritated Kaitlin) and to be busy all weekend.

Don't get me wrong, we had a fun weekend. We sewed a dress (that I'm wearing right now), we watched most of the first season of Leverage, we went to the art museum, the marionette theater, and the park, (to read out loud) and it was nice.

But I'm so tired.

And sad.

She completely ignored the parts of my life she didn't like and only recognized parts of me she did like. I know parents don't always agree 100% with how their kids are doing, but it's not because of what she said yesterday:

"Oh, don't ever think we don't love everything you're doing - that's just Satan making you think we don't like your life."

Um. She is the one who said I was going to hell for playing a role-playing game. I don't think Satan made her say that. She is also the one who would not allow me to speak of HP at home or read the books or ever let my siblings know that part of my life even existed. Again - not Satan.

Having my family near me is like walking underneath a waterfall. It can be fun and exciting at times, but in the end it's chaotic and you're not exactly sure if you're going to slip and fall or make your way across.

When I put the outfit on we made, we tied a big bow in the sash and then mom sat me down to do my hair so we could take pictures. It brought back a lot of memories and really did make me feel like I was 10 again.

And I shut down - emotionally.

That's what I was like before Spain - a robot with no emotions who just existed in life instead of living it. I had no thoughts of my own or ideas or opinions...I just went with what was going on and I didn't even like or dislike it.

When I got to Spain, it was like the world exploded around me and I was surrounded by everything I'd never imagined. It was so beautiful.

The pain of losing that was so harsh that I sank into a deep depression and surfaced just before I came to college.

College was really hard for me and although I'm glad I went, I regret most of it. I regret the experiences I had, meeting certain people, the choices I made, and things that happened to me. Some of it was really awful. Some of it was wonderful.

Seeing my mom again and seeing her blank out part of my life was...hurtful. I didn't want to bring up that stuff because I didn't want her to take me away again. Because that's what she did last time. And the time before that. Again, and again. They take me away because they can't stand what I am.

Being a grownup is harder than being a kid.

It hurts a lot more because I can put more words to it.

-

I read this girl's blog and slowly, I put the pieces together. I see a happy one here, a tragic piece up there, and a really awful one down below. I put them together, one by one, to see a picture beneath the surface.

I feel like I know her better than I do these people I've spent most of my time with for the last five years.

Unclean

Well, the house isn't clean.

I got two rooms done and some of the dishes washed.

I feel unkempt.

It's not a great feeling.

I didn't want the house to be messy when she got here.

But I'm messy.

I have no idea what this weekend will be like - it will either be fun/funny or really, really upsetting. I'm hoping for funny.

Why am I unclean because I play D&D and read Harry Potter?

Why am I bad simply because my tastes are different?

Why can't she look at my life and see how I'm choosing NOT to mess it up?

I make mistakes. I sin. I'm imperfect.

But I'm loved. Forgiven. Given grace.

God's washed me and I am no longer unclean.

Patchwork

My mother is coming to visit this weekend.

Instead of feeling a) happy; b) excited; c) ecstatic,

I feel

stressed
nervous
worried
fearful
sad

And all the times that she's told me what she thinks of my lifestyle keep floating back into my head.

It hurts.

I know she means well and that she loves me, but I also know

she's crazy
she says one thing one day and then says the complete opposite the next day and believes herself both times
she says things that have scarred me for life (without meaning to, of course)
she believes I'm "going to hell" for playing D&D/reading Harry Potter/liking fantasy in general
she thinks I should lose weight and be 125 like she is

It hurts that I wish I never had to see her again. It pains me to feel this way. I wish we could all be happy with one another's lifestyle decisions - that's not what really matters, in the end, is it? Is that what familial love comes down to - approval of life choices? I don't think it should. And I don't think it does in healthy families.

Having an unhealthy family who pretend to be healthy is harrowing. People adore them and I just see what they're hiding. It's frustrating. I just want to shout, "BUT YOU ARE CRAZY! I KNOW IT! I'VE SEEN IT!" while everyone else is crowding 'round in adoration.

I really wish I didn't feel this way.

-

What I really wanted to write about is identity issues that were grounded in the way I grew up - from the very beginning, I have been different from my parents - I am much more like my grandmother.

Now, as I grow older, all I can see are the parts of me that ARE like my parents - I look like my mom, I'm built like Grandma, I have the same health issues that mom's side of the family have, I laugh like my Mom, I gesture like my Mom, I make faces like her, I do so many things she does - knitting, sewing, creating...it terrifies me that I AM so much like her.

I don't want to do to my kids what my mother (unconsciously) did to me.

What she didn't know when I was in counseling was that I was there to help me process through growing up with her and dad as parents.

I feel like a patchwork - I have so many different parts of me that are someone else, and little pieces here and there that are just me, and it's hard to make sense of it all. It's confusing.

I don't want to be a patchwork - but that's the way you're made - families share DNA and you end up with granny's foot size and bra size and your dad's bad eyes and teeth. You end up laughing like your mom and being made fun of for your Humes nose and pale skin.

We're all patchwork. Is it any wonder that a lot of us end up falling apart at the seams?

How can I sew myself back together?

ScriptFrenzy: Commence!

Writing a script was not as harrowing as expected, thanks to ScriptFrenzy's very detailed, extremely clear-cut and helpful section on how to write a T.V. drama. Whew. I'm about 5 pages in and although I'm not loving my dialogue, I think I'm getting the hang of this new way of writing and I'm trying to imagine things in my head before the words spill from my fingertips.

It's an exercise in cutting words, which I need - you have to be very selective, and very aware of what wordage is going into the script, because the people who will read it need to know exactly what you mean/want.

Watching Leverage tonight with commentary was also helpful - some of the best stuff in the episode was ad-libbed, added in later, or re-worked to be better. It's nice to know that no one writes a perfect first draft, or even a second, or third. It's encouraging.

Anyway, I just wanted to update and now I am going to work on completing my 3 1/3 page goal for today.

This is all very exciting!