I dreamed last night that my mother had decided to get rid of all my things, and when she heard I would be coming to go through all of it beforehand, she decided to hold a memorial for my brother and my husband.
I got there and started combing through everything -- the My Little Ponies, the baby dolls, the stuffed animals, and as I went through each of them, I remembered things, like where I got them, who gave them to me, etc. I ended up getting rid of the ones that had been given to me by people that were no longer in my life.
People started arriving, people from my past, neighbors of my parents, etc. There were single people, couples, and families, and the women gathered in the kitchen to prepare the food while the men hung around outside. I spent time going back and forth, never feeling safe in either place. I was leery of an attack, whether verbal or physical, I'm not sure.
I went back into the kitchen and overheard my mom telling her version of my story.
"And after her two roommates moved out, she married Stu! Worst. Decision. Ever."
That's when I started yelling.
"FUCK YOU! You don't know ANYTHING about him. He was kind, gentle, patient, intelligent, and wonderful. HE LOVED ME. You are such a BITCH for the way you treated him, and you don't get to talk about him like that!"
And then I ran. I ran into a mall and as I fled past the stores, weeping, I spotted him next to me, in his red shirt and white glasses. He was with me.
I didn't see him again, but I managed to regain control of myself and return to the house eventually. Everyone pretended things were normal. I gave away my Little Tyke house and kitchenware, only then my sister said my mom had wanted to do something else with it and we had to go explain that to the lady who wanted it for her little baby girl.
Later, we were being seated at picnic tables outside. I told everyone our sordid family history, finishing up just as my mother sat down next to me.
She was arm to arm with me, and I could tell she wanted to keep me close. I felt like I was gasping for air.
"Well, that's over," she said, referring to my outburst.
"Yeah," I said, "but now everyone knows what you did."
After that, the dream faded.
