Topsy Turvy

happy endings only make me sad now.

It Was You

I dreamed a few nights ago that I was back in the cabin in Knoxville. When I have nightmares, they usually take place in that house. I hated it there. Horrible things happened there. So of course my nightmares take me there often.

I was walking into the house, and there were people at the table in the kitchen, all laughing and talking. One of them was the person who molested my brothers. I sped toward him, bent on tearing him limb from limb.

I couldn't see well as I didn't have my glasses on, and when I got closer, I realized it wasn't our neighbor, it was my father.

And then I knew.

"It was YOU," I gasped.

No More Fairytales

I really just want him beside me. The hugs, the kisses, the laughter, the smiles, the conversations...all of it.

Driving to Cookout when we had a new writing idea to hash out.

Waking up to see him dancing in the kitchen because he was excited about the pizza he was making.

Laughing at his imitations of animals -- the "sad panda", the "fat hummingbird" -- and his characters.

Seeing him talk and hearing the warmth and passion he had for beautiful stories.

Watching him cry when a story moved him.

Clinging to each other because we'd both been rejected our entire lives and were astonished that we'd found each other.

Talking about our plans and dreams -- creating stories together, wanting to buy the Han and Leia wedding rings for our fifth anniversary, getting a couple tattoo, naming and creating personalities for our kids and pets, and dreaming up a house, or driving through neighborhoods cobbling our own place together.

Getting him to try new foods and meals and getting excited when he liked them.

Laying in bed together on a Saturday, him playing on his phone and me with a book.

Being comforted during one of my werewolf episodes because he held me and prayed over me.

Guessing where we'd be in 10 years. I thought he'd be winning an award for a script he'd written and that I'd acted in.

-

I guess I thought our love was strong enough to protect us.

That no matter what, we'd always have each other.

That we could never be separated.

-

Why would two people who loved each other so much be ripped apart in such a cruel and twisted way?

-

I don't believe in fairytales anymore.

My love wasn't strong enough to save him.

Belle couldn't save the Beast.

The Prince couldn't wake Snow White.

Rapunzel couldn't save Flynn.

And I couldn't

couldn't

save

him.

Transformation

I grew up believing I was hideous, a deformed creature that no one could love.

I managed to convince myself in college that I was merely plain.

I would say today that while I have an interesting face, I'm not a standard beauty.

-

I never quite believed he thought I was beautiful, but it didn't matter.

I learned I didn't have to be the most beautiful girl in the world to be loved.

Crooked

Nothing ever lasts forever
In the end, you changed
There is no reason, no sincerity
Take away such a thing as love
Tonight, I’ll be crooked

Leave me alone
I was alone anyway
I have no one, everything is meaningless
Take away the sugar-coated comfort
Tonight, I’ll be crooked

I scream and get dizzy
I vent out of boredom to other couples
I start fights for no reason like a town gangster
Sometimes, I purposely shake my leg, crookedly
The main characters of the movie called this world is you and me
A lonely island, lost and wandering
The empty streets are filled with those who are alone
Unlike my heart, the weather is so damn nice

I used to believe in you alone and I was happy
But like a joke, I am left alone
You used to promise me with your pinky finger
But in the end

Nothing ever lasts forever
In the end, you changed
There is no reason, no sincerity
Take away such a thing as love
Tonight, I’ll be crooked

Leave me alone
I was alone anyway
I have no one, everything is meaningless
Take away the sugar-coated comfort
Tonight, I’ll be crooked

I’ll put on thick eyeliner, use a whole can of hairspray
Leather pants, leather jacket with a frown
I want to hide my pain and become even more crooked
So you can feel sorry, I’ll spit toward the sky
You’re scared of my crude words and my rough eyes
But actually, I’m afraid, I want to go back but I have nowhere to go
I want to love but no one to love, what am I supposed to do?
I can’t turn it back

I used to believe in you alone and I was happy
But like a joke, I am left alone
You used to promise me with your pinky finger
But in the end

Nothing ever lasts forever
In the end, you changed
There is no reason, no sincerity
Take away such a thing as love
Tonight, I’ll be crooked

Leave me alone
I was alone anyway
I have no one, everything is meaningless
Take away the sugar-coated comfort
Tonight, I’ll be crooked

Will you not say anything for me tonight?
I didn’t know being alone would be this hard (I miss you)
Will you be my friend tonight?
On this good day, this beautiful day, this day where I miss you
Tonight, I’ll be crooked

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-

This is how I've been feeling about God for the last two years. He left my space. And I am alone.

The door's slammed shut and I have no idea if it will ever open again.

Some of these lines are for Stu - particularly "I didn't know being alone would be this hard (I miss you)".

-

I know there are people who love me.

But I have to live my life alone, now. No one can share it with me. And the two most important persons in my life are together while I'm here. Alone.

Crooked.

Apprehensive

I went to a new therapist today.

She is older.

She is much more blunt.

She is no nonsense.

She is an artist.

...I don't know what to think of her yet.

-

But I am scared.

We talked for an hour.

It is expensive.

It is time-consuming.

I will have to tell someone my story again.

-

I hate having to ask people for rides.

Even if I got my permit, someone would still have to go with me.

I can't afford this all on my own.

And on top of that...


...On top of that, this new therapist says I have been dealing with low-grade depression for a very long time. I need to be on mild medication. And I need to go to the doctor by next week, before our next appointment.

That means more phone calls (which I detest).

That means more money (that I can't really afford to spend).

That means new, scary substances in my body, the results of which I can't predict.

That means another ride (more rides). More begging.

-

I am scared.

Anxious.

Apprehensive.

-

This might be what I need. I might need to follow through and take care of business. I might need a no nonsense person in my life to yank me in the right direction.

This could be a good thing?

-

This could also go very, very badly.

Family Figures

I don't remember my father ever touching me.

I'm sure he did. There are pictures of him holding me, or standing awkwardly next to me in a side hug. Once I got older, however, old enough to remember, he was completely hands off. He tries to hug me now and it's like he never learned how to enclose someone in his arms. Like he never let himself care enough to squeeze someone.

We were never father - daughter. He just wanted to be friends. With my lack of emotional capacity, we remained acquaintances. I only know what his favorite movie and favorite bird are because I asked and remembered. I know almost nothing about his childhood, his friends and family, his preferences, all I've learned I've had to learn by observation or pointed questioning.

From him I learned to never talk about myself. To never reach out to people. To never ask for help. To keep everything stuffed so deep I didn't even know it was there.

He is a very fragile being.

-

I had to take care of my parents growing up. Sometimes I feel like I've lived life backwards. Often, actually. I've never had the real parent-child relationship or the family dynamic that I still crave. I've read books like "The Blessing" to help me understand that I will never receive it from them. They are too broken. I've talked with my therapist, who tells me I have to take care of myself now. I can't fix them.

-

My therapist tells me to look for family outside of my biological one. That there are people who can be Mom, Daddy, Sister, Brother, Aunt, Uncle, Cousin to me. That I don't have to feel guilty for not attaching emotionally to my biological family. That I can have a family of my own, even if none of us are linked by blood. It will still be broken, there will still be ups and downs, there will still be hard times. But this family will be the one I identify with.

I have found some family here.

-

I have realized these last few weeks that I do have parents. The couple that I pretend are my real parents. I eat lunch with her once a week. She can listen or offer advice or encourage or caution or make me laugh. He knows when I need a hug and tells me he's proud of me when he attends our plays. He does not know how much that means to me.

My other parents are slowly becoming so. The couple that invites me over for Sunday dinner because they always include those who don't have family nearby. Because they are genuinely concerned. Because they care. They, too, are able to listen and converse. We go on long walks and talk about everything and nothing. We laugh a lot. And the food is always delicious.

The other couple I'd like to spend more time with but feel too shy to ask. I think she can see it in my eyes. He knows how much I miss Stu. He kisses me on the forehead because Stu used to and I need a reminder that I am still loved.

-

These couples have children. But they have allowed me a glimpse into what a family is supposed to look like. There is a lot of love. There's a lot of tears, and a lot of laughter. Lots of prayer. But an abundance of overflowing love.

-

I also have labels for those people I consider other members of my family. I have a friend who is the Brother I always thought Morgan would be. I have a friend who I consider my Sister. She and I are cut from the same cloth, the sister I always wanted. And there are so many Cousins. I have a special place in my heart for Cousins. My favorite biological cousins were so joyous and exuberant and fun. And then one summer we said goodbye and that was the last I ever saw of them. I am thankful to have other Cousins now.

I have a friend who is the cool Aunt I always wanted. Her husband is a great Uncle.

-

I may not have ties to my biological family, or the relationships I wanted with them, but I do have a family.

They love me.

And on days like today, I need that reminder.

Never Ending

Lately I've held this thought in my hands:

Nothing is ever truly completed, and nothing ever really ends.


Even in the afterlife. Things go on...forever.

Nothing is ever cut cleanly and finished.

There are always bits and pieces, flotsam and jetsam left over, caught in the ebb and flow of time.


Art is like life in that way.

You have to know when to let go.

When to step away.

Even though nothing's ever finished.


I think that's part of what has bothered me for so much of my life.

I want a definite end to things.

I want ties severed, completely, so completely they might never have existed.

I want round numbers (even ones).

I want the jagged edges buffed smooth.


Life has not given me what I want.

But maybe if we had a world of definite endings, there wouldn't be hope.

The hope that things circle, come back around.

That the ending really isn't The End after all.