I'm in the middle of another, more potent identity crisis.
For years, I tried to push music out of the way. I didn't want people to see me as "The Harpist". I didn't want people to see the harp when they looked at me. I got to college and rarely used the harp at all, even though I played in weddings, for church, or the occasional sing-along.
I pushed it so hard that now my harp's been gathering dust for...years.
And nobody except my closest friends know I have anything to do with music.
I have several ideas about why this is the case.
...I probably shouldn't go into them here.
But my harp glares at me from the corner (I've put it behind our dresser so I could forget it instead of shrinking away from it every time I enter the living room) and it's dusty and needs to be regulated and it will need new strings soon and...
...I don't know what to do anymore.
This all started several years ago.
I was three when I asked to play harp (I don't remember it). My parents found a teacher when I was ten. I took lessons from a wonderful man, then moved to Spain and had a rather harsh teacher who re-worked all my technique (she DID make me a better harpist -- I even competed in France). Then I came home to lessons with a horrendous woman who broke me into tiny pieces (She and Delores Umbridge are almost the same person). We finally left her and I, a wilted, dying flower was brought back to life by the boisterous, ecstatic energy of a new teacher, my red-haired, dancing, laughing, Harry-Potter loving friend and role model, Carmen. She probably saved my life. (Unfortunately, she's at Oxford at the moment or I might be crashing on her couch right now) I took lessons from a nice lady my highschool year and then...I went to college.
At first, I enjoyed the attention I got from playing harp. (The first day) Then I realized that was all people saw me as (or at least that's how I perceived it) and I shut the harp out of my life.
I flubbed at the Christmas Concert two years ago and lost all confidence in my performance (the conductor I was working with wasn't pleasant either). Since then I've barely touched the strings of my poor harps.
I feel, on the one hand, that I should get rid of them and move on with my life. Someone else needs to be taking care of them and I certainly don't have the time or money to. Playing music never is, and never has been a priority. It's more like a hobby, the way I feel about it (or simply an annoyance), even though I was pressured to make it more. And right now it is a hobby I desperately wish I didn't have to worry about.
On the other hand, I don't actually think the harps are *legally* mine. I think my parents bought both, even though competition winnings went in for the purchase of the big harp. Also...just thinking of all the money wasted on lessons, strings, music and instruments makes me nauseous. Can I really give up something that someone has spent thousands of dollars on?
So here I am -- stuck with two instruments that are falling into disrepair (Elizabeth desperately needs a regulation and her bass strings changed out, neither of which I can do or have the money to get done) and constantly reminding me of the failure I am (or feel I am).
Several other issues are cropping up -- the way I feel about my siblings (I feel competitive, inadequate and overlooked), the test results that proved I was merely adequate at music (a relief) and the constant pressure to keep playing when I have no desire at all to pluck those damned, damned, damned strings.
Writing, painting, voice, and acting are what I love. Speaking words on stage and penning words on paper are my passions (apart from reading, which is my greatest passion and what should define me).
I can't abide it any longer (after fifteen rather harrowing years) but I still feel stuck. How do I cut out that unwanted part of my life when thousands of dollars have been poured into it? Should I just keep it as a hobby and not feel bad about hardly ever practicing?
On the one hand...I feel it would be both exhilarating and cathartic to sell the big harp and use it to pay for a semester of grad school (the 2 year writing program I'm drooling over). On the other hand, that is a scary, scary thought. I won't have enough money to buy another harp if I change my mind for...maybe forever.
It feels irrevocable.
And I honestly can't untwist all the knots to see if maybe there's a little love left.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Shackles
Last night I dreamed hubby and I had just caught a priest (not one of ours!) embezzling -- the bread and the wine. The priest framed me and I was on the run from the law.
I entered an office building and met an office assistant, a red-haired girl -- I was looking for someone but the building was mostly empty. We each got into an elevator and when the door closed, instead of going to the ground floor, the elevator began shifting between floors...even ones the building DIDN'T have. I screamed and banged on the walls, trying to get out.
I waited in the elevator a long time. It finally stopped and I was able to dash out, but the red-haired girl was still caught. I descended the stairs and managed to see her escape but then I saw the priest and had to run.
They caught me. I was put in shackles and escorted to a meeting of priests. This was a very serious business. We were in Europe and I was going to be put on a train back to wherever I was going to be in prison. Hubby arrived as a priest and disguise and pretended to escort me back to the building we were taking a recess out of. (I think we were in England). Somehow we ended up at a friend's apartment building and they showed me a secret escape route through the laundry room.
I explained to them what was going on and as they were leaving, the priests arrived. I ducked into a pile of dirty laundry but wasn't completely covered. I thought, "This is it. They're coming for me." Somehow they missed me and I felt like God had hidden me from them. I got a better hiding spot behind the washing machine in preparation to escape through the tunnel but had to be still once again as they made their rounds.
They didn't find me, and I went down into the tunnel and got on a train, where I worked as fast as I could to get the shackles off. once that was over I took a seat in a train car and tried to look normal in my priest robes and manacles that I could now remove.
It was a very awkward train trip.
I entered an office building and met an office assistant, a red-haired girl -- I was looking for someone but the building was mostly empty. We each got into an elevator and when the door closed, instead of going to the ground floor, the elevator began shifting between floors...even ones the building DIDN'T have. I screamed and banged on the walls, trying to get out.
I waited in the elevator a long time. It finally stopped and I was able to dash out, but the red-haired girl was still caught. I descended the stairs and managed to see her escape but then I saw the priest and had to run.
They caught me. I was put in shackles and escorted to a meeting of priests. This was a very serious business. We were in Europe and I was going to be put on a train back to wherever I was going to be in prison. Hubby arrived as a priest and disguise and pretended to escort me back to the building we were taking a recess out of. (I think we were in England). Somehow we ended up at a friend's apartment building and they showed me a secret escape route through the laundry room.
I explained to them what was going on and as they were leaving, the priests arrived. I ducked into a pile of dirty laundry but wasn't completely covered. I thought, "This is it. They're coming for me." Somehow they missed me and I felt like God had hidden me from them. I got a better hiding spot behind the washing machine in preparation to escape through the tunnel but had to be still once again as they made their rounds.
They didn't find me, and I went down into the tunnel and got on a train, where I worked as fast as I could to get the shackles off. once that was over I took a seat in a train car and tried to look normal in my priest robes and manacles that I could now remove.
It was a very awkward train trip.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Hufflepuff Jerseys are NOT Free
Last night's dream was an odd mix of pseudo-fantasy.
I dreamed I was a manager of a store (sort of similar to Mast General Store -- built to look rustic on the inside, but we sold mostly clothes) and two teenage boys had rigged radios so that they could announce to the store that the clothes were all free to our favorite customers that day. I scrambled to keep all the clothes on the shelves (there were Hufflepuff shirts -- ??) while I tracked down the two teenage boys. I caught one in the backroom and then saw the instigator at the front of the store with his father, who was impressed with his son's ingenuity. Ass. So I threw them out of the store and thanked the two customers who had helped me track them down.
I'm pretty sure they were Willow and Xander.
I dreamed I was a manager of a store (sort of similar to Mast General Store -- built to look rustic on the inside, but we sold mostly clothes) and two teenage boys had rigged radios so that they could announce to the store that the clothes were all free to our favorite customers that day. I scrambled to keep all the clothes on the shelves (there were Hufflepuff shirts -- ??) while I tracked down the two teenage boys. I caught one in the backroom and then saw the instigator at the front of the store with his father, who was impressed with his son's ingenuity. Ass. So I threw them out of the store and thanked the two customers who had helped me track them down.
I'm pretty sure they were Willow and Xander.
Monday, September 17, 2012
No Darkness At All
Last night (or early this morning) I dreamed my mother and I were at some sort of meeting in an old, abandoned house. We were sitting at a table with a few other people and I looked up at the wall and saw a few random letters and numbers scrawled across it. I tried to pay attention to the meeting but every time I glanced back up at the wall, another letter was added until it read, "Boooooo..." I freaked out and got everyone to leave.
My mother and I got into our SUV and made it only so far -- I remembered I'd left my purse there. I didn't want to go back but mom turned around and I panicked, thinking of having to go through the dark house again. I got my phone out to use as a light but when we opened the door, a bright glow emanated from somewhere (outside?), allowing the entire house to be lit up like a Christmas tree. I marveled at the light and felt completely safe. There was no darkness at all. I found my purse and then realized I'd left all my clothes in a laundry basket in a bedroom. I started sifting through the clothes and tried to hurry because I knew we needed to drive somewhere else, but then someone called us and I asked what time it was -- we'd been there hours, but the person said it was still midnight.
The bright light was somehow keeping us in a time bubble. I knew then it was angels that were creating the light around us. We gathered our things and left.
The glow was so warm and bright and safe-feeling. I wasn't afraid at all.
My mother and I got into our SUV and made it only so far -- I remembered I'd left my purse there. I didn't want to go back but mom turned around and I panicked, thinking of having to go through the dark house again. I got my phone out to use as a light but when we opened the door, a bright glow emanated from somewhere (outside?), allowing the entire house to be lit up like a Christmas tree. I marveled at the light and felt completely safe. There was no darkness at all. I found my purse and then realized I'd left all my clothes in a laundry basket in a bedroom. I started sifting through the clothes and tried to hurry because I knew we needed to drive somewhere else, but then someone called us and I asked what time it was -- we'd been there hours, but the person said it was still midnight.
The bright light was somehow keeping us in a time bubble. I knew then it was angels that were creating the light around us. We gathered our things and left.
The glow was so warm and bright and safe-feeling. I wasn't afraid at all.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Kate's Italian Summer Salad
Made this last night for dinner (Stu made his own dinner and I quite happily munched through two servings of this on my own):
Kate's Italian Summer Salad
1 can white kidney beans (they're called cannellini)
2 Roma tomatoes, diced
1/2 c. crumbled goat cheese OR 1/2 c. shredded cheese OR 1/4 c. Parmesan cheese
garlic powder, onion salt, whatever spices you prefer
Cilantro (however much you'd like)
Drain beans and add in tomatoes and cheese. If you're going to eat it cold, add in spices, mix, then garnish with cilantro. If you're going to eat the salad warm, heat the beans, tomatoes and cheese and the spices, then add the cilantro when the mix is warm.
I ate it cold the first time and hot the second time -- I think I prefer it cold with goat cheese. I also ate garlic toast with it.
You could add onions, skip the cilantro and add rosemary instead (or Italian seasoning, which I did in place of cilantro last night), or put in some croutons.
However you eat it, it's the perfect light dinner (even after two helpings) or side for late summer.
Enjoy!
Kate's Italian Summer Salad
1 can white kidney beans (they're called cannellini)
2 Roma tomatoes, diced
1/2 c. crumbled goat cheese OR 1/2 c. shredded cheese OR 1/4 c. Parmesan cheese
garlic powder, onion salt, whatever spices you prefer
Cilantro (however much you'd like)
Drain beans and add in tomatoes and cheese. If you're going to eat it cold, add in spices, mix, then garnish with cilantro. If you're going to eat the salad warm, heat the beans, tomatoes and cheese and the spices, then add the cilantro when the mix is warm.
I ate it cold the first time and hot the second time -- I think I prefer it cold with goat cheese. I also ate garlic toast with it.
You could add onions, skip the cilantro and add rosemary instead (or Italian seasoning, which I did in place of cilantro last night), or put in some croutons.
However you eat it, it's the perfect light dinner (even after two helpings) or side for late summer.
Enjoy!
Wedding Dress
I dreamed last night that my sister was getting married -- she had the most beautiful confection of a wedding dress -- light, airy, like puff pastry, and a stiff cream fabric akin to meringue. It had the most gorgeous train (full and exceptionally long) and she would be descending to the ceremony via a lengthy wooden staircase. It was perfect.
Unfortunately my husband and father were not present so she asked me to walk her down the aisle (I may or may not have been wearing a tuxedo).
...And then I think monsters were coming so we had to leave before the wedding started. Whenever my dreams get too realistic my nightmare fodder shows up.
Ridiculous.
Unfortunately my husband and father were not present so she asked me to walk her down the aisle (I may or may not have been wearing a tuxedo).
...And then I think monsters were coming so we had to leave before the wedding started. Whenever my dreams get too realistic my nightmare fodder shows up.
Ridiculous.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Two-For-One
I had two dreams last night --
Dream No. 1:
I dreamed I received an e-mail from our director and that the girl playing Lucy was driving her CRAZY (missed rehearsals, etc.). A wild hope sprung up in my heart that the director would let me play Lucy. But I don't know if she did because I woke up. :/
Dream No. 2:
I dreamed that my family and I were in a huge field surrounded by trees. There was a large swingset and I was hanging around in my pink poodle pajamas. We met another family with a daughter that looked like the little girl from Honey Boo-Boo. She wanted my pajamas. I resisted -- she had a perfectly fine Barbie nightgown! No one took my side and so I tried to run away but I was stuck in slow motion. I kept in front of her, swinging my hand back to see if she was right behind me. We made our way out of the field, down some streets in a neighborhood, and I was finally able to lose her and enjoy my flannel pajamas in peace.
and then I think I was a spy and was at a train station and had to sneak aboard (on top of) one while Captain Janeway from Star Trek: Voyager commanded her troops to catch me. And then the train started moving.
Dream No. 1:
I dreamed I received an e-mail from our director and that the girl playing Lucy was driving her CRAZY (missed rehearsals, etc.). A wild hope sprung up in my heart that the director would let me play Lucy. But I don't know if she did because I woke up. :/
Dream No. 2:
I dreamed that my family and I were in a huge field surrounded by trees. There was a large swingset and I was hanging around in my pink poodle pajamas. We met another family with a daughter that looked like the little girl from Honey Boo-Boo. She wanted my pajamas. I resisted -- she had a perfectly fine Barbie nightgown! No one took my side and so I tried to run away but I was stuck in slow motion. I kept in front of her, swinging my hand back to see if she was right behind me. We made our way out of the field, down some streets in a neighborhood, and I was finally able to lose her and enjoy my flannel pajamas in peace.
and then I think I was a spy and was at a train station and had to sneak aboard (on top of) one while Captain Janeway from Star Trek: Voyager commanded her troops to catch me. And then the train started moving.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Sir
I gave Snoopy my best shot yesterday (monologue and song) but I don't think I have enough wild abandon to pull the part off.
I might have been a good Lucy, but I haven't seen any of the other girls who were in the running so I'm sure there was a best Lucy -- I'm excited to see us all together!
I am, however, happy to be Marcie. I've always loved her and this is the perfect excuse to get some big glasses and cut my bangs again.
Since this is my first musical, I'm pretty happy that I don't have lines to memorize. I'll be in five or six song-and-dance routines and for a first musical, that's pretty good.
I would like to play Lucy eventually but for now...for now, I'm super, super excited to be dancing again, and to be a part of an ensemble cast.
Let the drama begin!
I might have been a good Lucy, but I haven't seen any of the other girls who were in the running so I'm sure there was a best Lucy -- I'm excited to see us all together!
I am, however, happy to be Marcie. I've always loved her and this is the perfect excuse to get some big glasses and cut my bangs again.
Since this is my first musical, I'm pretty happy that I don't have lines to memorize. I'll be in five or six song-and-dance routines and for a first musical, that's pretty good.
I would like to play Lucy eventually but for now...for now, I'm super, super excited to be dancing again, and to be a part of an ensemble cast.
Let the drama begin!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Auditioning The Night Away
Last night I spent 6-9 in auditions. O.o
I drank a ton of water over the weekend (mostly on Monday) and sang my heart out whilst tidying up the house. I made faces in the mirror and picked out the perfect audition ensemble (black pencil skirt with a ruffly edge, a red top, wide belt, heels that can dance, and my lucky red earrings my sister sent me from France). I put my audition piece in a black notebook and made dozens of notes to myself about how much more work I need to do before I audition outside CIU (memorize classical/modern monologues, more songs, beef up my resume and look into acting classes around town).
The day of, butterflies settled in my tummy and I tried to distract myself with my Kindle, episodes of Parks & Rec and errands -- mostly grocery shopping. I came home and sang (poor Stu has had to hear my warm-ups all weekend. He's a darling.) and then put on my makeup -- I've decided that since I have a natural blush (something akin to rosacea, but whatever) and my skin is mostly clear I won't use foundation. So it's just eye makeup for me -- a tiny cat eye, eyeliner, and dark grey to silver eyeshadow. And then some lipstick -- one dark coat and one shimmery coat.
Then it was time to audition.
I was the first one there -- I always am. I have to go early and pick a seat and try to calm down. I saw the end of the dance routine they were going to teach us (terrifying) and then a bunch of people came clumping down the stairs, and I thought, "Oh, dear. I guess I can still try out for a chorus part..." There were probably twenty of us -- most of us female. Which is great unless you want one of the three main girl parts. Which...I did.
So I shrank into my seat and blushed madly when Patti introduced me as staff. I hate that I didn't get into acting earlier. And I hate that I'm the only staff who tries out for these and I hope the freshmen don't think it's weird. (I know a lot of the older students so it isn't as awkward) I mean -- would you like an interloper intruding on your auditions? Someone who's older and maybe has a little more experience? Am I a big fish in a little pond? (I don't think so -- we have some incredible talent here)
We got our jitters out (mostly) while we filled out the audition sheets (Contact Info, Experience, Roles Preferred, Etc.) and then we all trooped into the choir room to learn our dance routine.
It was set to the finale of Hairspray and wasn't horribly complicated -- but that thirty seconds seemed to go on forever. We walked through it slowly, bit by bit, until it was all strung together like a very fragile garland. Then we went over it and over, and over, and over, and over. I think we must have done it fifty times and we had worked up a sweat by the time they split us into groups of five to go in to the auditions.
The five girls in my group ranged from people just trying out for the heck of it (which is always fun) and people who have dreamed of doing more professional work -- I think someone in my group might get the part of Sally -- I hope they do because they were fantastic. I auditioned fourth out of five.
We each got up on stage and sang our song -- I did the last part of "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" from Phantom of the Opera. I was really shaky (my body shakes when I sing. Doesn't really do that for harp or acting so I guess once I've been doing it longer my body will freaking STOP trying to sabotage me) but I think I did alright...I'm pretty sure I hit all the notes. Then I read two monologues (one for Lucy, one for Sally). We had received the monologues earlier and had time to practice before going in, but I got aggravated once I realized I was playing Sally like a lawyer (her bit about the "coathanger sculpture"). We all were whispering since we were crowded together in one hall so I didn't get to practice a voice. I think I had more fun with Sally's monologue but it didn't fit me as well as Lucy's -- hers was muuuch easier for me to sink into.
After we had all done our songs and monologues we got up together and performed the dance, pretending we were singing and actually in Hairspray. I will admit the dance was a) fun to learn and b) way fun to perform. I love dance. (And who doesn't like being a little dramatic now and again? That's what I love about dance. No talking involved. Your body does all the talking for you and you can be as melodramatic as you want)
We were ushered out and assured that the callbacks would be posted by ten. I was desperate to get to a friend's dinner (they knew I was in auditions but we were expecting it to be over at 7...I got out at 8ish) so I texted Stu to come pick me up but then while I was waiting the director got me and asked me to hang around and read for Snoopy. I got another monologue to read and was asked to sing an alto piece (I'd sung a soprano one earlier). So, I brought out an old jazz piece I'd done for voice lessons last year ("They Can't Take That Away From Me") and did my best to be Snoopy.
Finally, we arrived at our friend's house for the pep talk of the century (unplanned). Stu was so fired up he's been writing most of the day (or trying to) and I've been looking into acting schools here. All in prep for moving to a more film-centric area. At some point. But while we're here, we might as well START doing what we want to do...right?
Anyway. After the pep talk (and delicious turkey burgers) we came back so I could check the callback list -- and I was shocked to see myself on the callback list for Lucy! I don't know if anyone else read for Snoopy so I'm hoping if I don't get Lucy I'll get Snoopy. Five or six of us will be competing for the Lucy role tonight at 5:45 and I'm already trembling. We're going to be singing a song from You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown -- "Little Known Facts". It's a really fun song and I hope, I really, really hope I get the part. I'll probably be in the chorus if I don't make it, which is fine, but...is it bad to want one of the main roles? I love the part and I can't help but think it would be a great addition to my resume, along with my role as Aunt Martha if I can say I've had experience playing more prominent roles.
I know the theatre crowd wants to do a Shakespeare next semester so I'm going to try out for that as well -- but I'm also looking into acting intensives for the summer. I think it would be marvelous if I could do three plays (in whatever acting capacity), take an intensive, and then maybe audition around town...just to see...
Further dreaming entails registering at a local school and taking acting courses. Whether degree-seeking or no (I don't know if I have to have an acting undergrad to get an acting M.F.A. which is the end goal for me at the moment), we'll have to find out.
And then...if I can have three plays, an intensive and at least part of a degree by the time we decide to move somewhere...where will that lead me? UCLA (which I've already drooled over this morning)? Biola (undergrad in theatre)? Somewhere else I haven't found yet?
Questions always come to the forefront when I think about acting. What kind of things am I going to have to avoid? What am I comfortable doing? What am I not comfortable doing? What if I take a course and have to do something I am not comfortable with to pass the course? Where does that leave me? And how comfortable is the husband with all of this?
This is where I always get stuck. If I do theatre, there will always be the element of freewill -- I can choose which roles/plays to audition for. I can decide what I want to do and what I do not want to do. (And to some extent, that works for movies as well) But for TV, which is where my deepest desire leads me...if I have a long-running character, things are going to pop up. And I will have to fight. And I don't know if (legally, spiritually, physically) that's even possible. So...I guess I will have to have either a stellar agent who gets me or...maybe God will put me in a show that doesn't deal with a lot of that. Or He'll move me to something better when the inevitable arises. (I'm not saying this because I think I'm a romantic comedy or romance type. I'm not. I'm more the lawyer/crazy aunt/loner artist type. Action Adventure/Thriller Suspense/Indie movie-ish person. I'd probably start out on a crime show or something)
I have discovered one thing: I like writing, but it doesn't call me like acting does. I am a communal being and my deepest desire is to tell story communally. Acting is communal and writing is solitary (or usually is) and without that communal element, I'm just not as interested. If I could write for TV, or have a writing partner (or partners) that would be different. But it usually isn't and so...if I had to choose which one to have a career with...
I'd choose acting.
And I've never been able to articulate that before.
I drank a ton of water over the weekend (mostly on Monday) and sang my heart out whilst tidying up the house. I made faces in the mirror and picked out the perfect audition ensemble (black pencil skirt with a ruffly edge, a red top, wide belt, heels that can dance, and my lucky red earrings my sister sent me from France). I put my audition piece in a black notebook and made dozens of notes to myself about how much more work I need to do before I audition outside CIU (memorize classical/modern monologues, more songs, beef up my resume and look into acting classes around town).
The day of, butterflies settled in my tummy and I tried to distract myself with my Kindle, episodes of Parks & Rec and errands -- mostly grocery shopping. I came home and sang (poor Stu has had to hear my warm-ups all weekend. He's a darling.) and then put on my makeup -- I've decided that since I have a natural blush (something akin to rosacea, but whatever) and my skin is mostly clear I won't use foundation. So it's just eye makeup for me -- a tiny cat eye, eyeliner, and dark grey to silver eyeshadow. And then some lipstick -- one dark coat and one shimmery coat.
Then it was time to audition.
I was the first one there -- I always am. I have to go early and pick a seat and try to calm down. I saw the end of the dance routine they were going to teach us (terrifying) and then a bunch of people came clumping down the stairs, and I thought, "Oh, dear. I guess I can still try out for a chorus part..." There were probably twenty of us -- most of us female. Which is great unless you want one of the three main girl parts. Which...I did.
So I shrank into my seat and blushed madly when Patti introduced me as staff. I hate that I didn't get into acting earlier. And I hate that I'm the only staff who tries out for these and I hope the freshmen don't think it's weird. (I know a lot of the older students so it isn't as awkward) I mean -- would you like an interloper intruding on your auditions? Someone who's older and maybe has a little more experience? Am I a big fish in a little pond? (I don't think so -- we have some incredible talent here)
We got our jitters out (mostly) while we filled out the audition sheets (Contact Info, Experience, Roles Preferred, Etc.) and then we all trooped into the choir room to learn our dance routine.
It was set to the finale of Hairspray and wasn't horribly complicated -- but that thirty seconds seemed to go on forever. We walked through it slowly, bit by bit, until it was all strung together like a very fragile garland. Then we went over it and over, and over, and over, and over. I think we must have done it fifty times and we had worked up a sweat by the time they split us into groups of five to go in to the auditions.
The five girls in my group ranged from people just trying out for the heck of it (which is always fun) and people who have dreamed of doing more professional work -- I think someone in my group might get the part of Sally -- I hope they do because they were fantastic. I auditioned fourth out of five.
We each got up on stage and sang our song -- I did the last part of "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" from Phantom of the Opera. I was really shaky (my body shakes when I sing. Doesn't really do that for harp or acting so I guess once I've been doing it longer my body will freaking STOP trying to sabotage me) but I think I did alright...I'm pretty sure I hit all the notes. Then I read two monologues (one for Lucy, one for Sally). We had received the monologues earlier and had time to practice before going in, but I got aggravated once I realized I was playing Sally like a lawyer (her bit about the "coathanger sculpture"). We all were whispering since we were crowded together in one hall so I didn't get to practice a voice. I think I had more fun with Sally's monologue but it didn't fit me as well as Lucy's -- hers was muuuch easier for me to sink into.
After we had all done our songs and monologues we got up together and performed the dance, pretending we were singing and actually in Hairspray. I will admit the dance was a) fun to learn and b) way fun to perform. I love dance. (And who doesn't like being a little dramatic now and again? That's what I love about dance. No talking involved. Your body does all the talking for you and you can be as melodramatic as you want)
We were ushered out and assured that the callbacks would be posted by ten. I was desperate to get to a friend's dinner (they knew I was in auditions but we were expecting it to be over at 7...I got out at 8ish) so I texted Stu to come pick me up but then while I was waiting the director got me and asked me to hang around and read for Snoopy. I got another monologue to read and was asked to sing an alto piece (I'd sung a soprano one earlier). So, I brought out an old jazz piece I'd done for voice lessons last year ("They Can't Take That Away From Me") and did my best to be Snoopy.
Finally, we arrived at our friend's house for the pep talk of the century (unplanned). Stu was so fired up he's been writing most of the day (or trying to) and I've been looking into acting schools here. All in prep for moving to a more film-centric area. At some point. But while we're here, we might as well START doing what we want to do...right?
Anyway. After the pep talk (and delicious turkey burgers) we came back so I could check the callback list -- and I was shocked to see myself on the callback list for Lucy! I don't know if anyone else read for Snoopy so I'm hoping if I don't get Lucy I'll get Snoopy. Five or six of us will be competing for the Lucy role tonight at 5:45 and I'm already trembling. We're going to be singing a song from You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown -- "Little Known Facts". It's a really fun song and I hope, I really, really hope I get the part. I'll probably be in the chorus if I don't make it, which is fine, but...is it bad to want one of the main roles? I love the part and I can't help but think it would be a great addition to my resume, along with my role as Aunt Martha if I can say I've had experience playing more prominent roles.
I know the theatre crowd wants to do a Shakespeare next semester so I'm going to try out for that as well -- but I'm also looking into acting intensives for the summer. I think it would be marvelous if I could do three plays (in whatever acting capacity), take an intensive, and then maybe audition around town...just to see...
Further dreaming entails registering at a local school and taking acting courses. Whether degree-seeking or no (I don't know if I have to have an acting undergrad to get an acting M.F.A. which is the end goal for me at the moment), we'll have to find out.
And then...if I can have three plays, an intensive and at least part of a degree by the time we decide to move somewhere...where will that lead me? UCLA (which I've already drooled over this morning)? Biola (undergrad in theatre)? Somewhere else I haven't found yet?
Questions always come to the forefront when I think about acting. What kind of things am I going to have to avoid? What am I comfortable doing? What am I not comfortable doing? What if I take a course and have to do something I am not comfortable with to pass the course? Where does that leave me? And how comfortable is the husband with all of this?
This is where I always get stuck. If I do theatre, there will always be the element of freewill -- I can choose which roles/plays to audition for. I can decide what I want to do and what I do not want to do. (And to some extent, that works for movies as well) But for TV, which is where my deepest desire leads me...if I have a long-running character, things are going to pop up. And I will have to fight. And I don't know if (legally, spiritually, physically) that's even possible. So...I guess I will have to have either a stellar agent who gets me or...maybe God will put me in a show that doesn't deal with a lot of that. Or He'll move me to something better when the inevitable arises. (I'm not saying this because I think I'm a romantic comedy or romance type. I'm not. I'm more the lawyer/crazy aunt/loner artist type. Action Adventure/Thriller Suspense/Indie movie-ish person. I'd probably start out on a crime show or something)
I have discovered one thing: I like writing, but it doesn't call me like acting does. I am a communal being and my deepest desire is to tell story communally. Acting is communal and writing is solitary (or usually is) and without that communal element, I'm just not as interested. If I could write for TV, or have a writing partner (or partners) that would be different. But it usually isn't and so...if I had to choose which one to have a career with...
I'd choose acting.
And I've never been able to articulate that before.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Crazy Phineas & Ferb RL Dream
Yep. I had a live-action Phineas & Ferb/Supernatural dream. I blame the peach cobbler. Or maybe the cheese and crackers I had at small group last night.
The first part of the dream consisted of me and my family (and a Harlan that was around his goal weight? He was dressed like Jensen Ackles from Supernatural -- leather jacket and jeans) in a house trying to get someone OUT because SOMETHING was keeping them trapped. I almost got trapped in a closet (the door was pushed shut by someone and I just managed to squeeze out) and then the hallway door started squeezing in on itself. Stu and I managed to keep the doors open just long enough for the person to get through and meanwhile the secret agent animals (most of which were smaller dogs) searched the place.
We got into the big, black Impala (courtesy of Supernatural) and roared away.
The second part of the dream, I was stranded near where my grandparents live, attempting to make it to Greenville. I was with a little white dog (who was one of the secret agents) and I was supposed to be protecting him. He got sideswiped by a car and was only scratched up but I made him lay in a basket so I could carry him. I got to a crossroads and couldn't decide which way to go. Someone had thrown out a package of chicken and there were raw chicken pieces everywhere. I thought, "What a waste. They're probably all bad thought, I shouldn't pick them up."
We were waiting at the crossroads for someone, but I woke up before we were found.
The first part of the dream consisted of me and my family (and a Harlan that was around his goal weight? He was dressed like Jensen Ackles from Supernatural -- leather jacket and jeans) in a house trying to get someone OUT because SOMETHING was keeping them trapped. I almost got trapped in a closet (the door was pushed shut by someone and I just managed to squeeze out) and then the hallway door started squeezing in on itself. Stu and I managed to keep the doors open just long enough for the person to get through and meanwhile the secret agent animals (most of which were smaller dogs) searched the place.
We got into the big, black Impala (courtesy of Supernatural) and roared away.
The second part of the dream, I was stranded near where my grandparents live, attempting to make it to Greenville. I was with a little white dog (who was one of the secret agents) and I was supposed to be protecting him. He got sideswiped by a car and was only scratched up but I made him lay in a basket so I could carry him. I got to a crossroads and couldn't decide which way to go. Someone had thrown out a package of chicken and there were raw chicken pieces everywhere. I thought, "What a waste. They're probably all bad thought, I shouldn't pick them up."
We were waiting at the crossroads for someone, but I woke up before we were found.
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