A 'Rawther' Interesting Idea...

I've been doing a lot of thinking for the past...15 hours, I guess.

Stu and I have three goals I would like to at least attempt to meet before we start having kids (which, hopefully, will be in a few years - like 3-5)...they are:

1. For me to finish school (hopefully in May unless I flunk the MATH CLEP)
2. For us to get a house (if possible)
and
3. For me to find a stay-at-home job. I would love to homeschool my kids and I am going to stay home with my babies so I need to find something I can either do at home or just do on the weekends.

For fear of ruining someone's Christmas present, I can't go into a lot of detail but here's what I've been thinking about:

There are some things I have just discovered that I love to do and can do reasonably well. I am wondering if it's possible to have a little side business selling what I am doing now...

I have filled up a few pages of Word Docs with research (thanks, internetz), ideas, guesstimates, and lists of stuff I would need to start this up.

I'm a little scared because this is unknown territory for me - I never wanted to be a sales person and I am a bit of an introvert. However, there are several things I could do to earn money while I'm at home.

Here are some other ideas I came up with:

1. Graphic Design - I know how to use Adobe Photoshop and the newest editions of Microsoft Powerpoint, Word, and another program who's name is escaping me at the moment. I can create business cards, flyers, powerpoints, brochures, and newsletters from scratch or from a template. I like doing this and could do it as a job. I already do it as part of my job at Academic Services.

2. Freelance Harpist (of course) - I can teach lessons and play at social functions. This is something I could do on the weekend or limited time throughout the week. (According to how I want to schedule it)

3. Scrapbooks - I scrapbook so if people need/want someone ELSE to do their scrapbooks (which invariably happens when you have a busy life), I can do that - give me the tools and I can create many different, unique, and special layouts and hand you the finished product. (I can also create scrapbooks for out-of-home businesses...)

4. Writing - I could freelance or write for someone - I could publish a book on Lulu.com and see if there is any interest or I can write for a magazine/newspaper...this one is a little more far out since it's not my usual field. I can write, but I don't know what opportunities are out there.

5. and this one is the one I can't talk about until I give Ruth her Christmas present. :) Suffice it to say I am thoroughly enjoying what I am doing and it would be something I would be interested in doing for a long time and it would be something I could do from home. (With a few outside instances to garner publicity and orders).

So that's what I've been thinking about. It's 'rawther' interesting. Guess we'll see where this goes.

Poem

GRANT ME PEACE

God
Why must I
review the scenes
time and time
again?

God
why is it
so hard for me
to let go
of my sin?

Grant
to me
these three things:
forgiveness, peace
and rest,

Grant
that these
be giv'n to me
and I will
be most blest.

Me -
Your child
the one that
hurts
with unrelenting
ache,

Me -
The daughter
of your heart
to heaven you would
take.

Peace
flood my soul,
encompass me,
in seas of
endless light;

Peace
enter me
with quiet calm
and end this
soul's long fight.

It's the Holiday!

Stu and I are leaving for Europe tomorrow! We are going to spend 3 weeks in Spain and perhaps 1 or 2 other countries - maybe France and England, I don't know - with my family, plans change every five seconds. *shrugs* We'll see how it goes.

I don't know how I feel about going to see my family. I was excited for a while but when I started filling Stu in on what we're allowed to talk about/watch/listen and what we're not allowed, and what family jokes he needs to know and who will fight who and all of the situations that arise in a large-ish family...well, I just got a little nervous.

I don't want to be lectured this year. I don't want to get laughed at this year. I don't want to be told that I am going to turn into a Wiccan-Lesbian by reading HP. So it's another three weeks of pretending that I'm not who I am. I can't even tell them what my hubby got me for Christmas. (YOU GOT DICE TO PLAY D&D???? AAAAAAGH!!!)

My poor family. :p I do love them. I think. Sometimes. And I do want to have a great Christmas and New Year's. Thank goodness I have my wonderful Stu to take with me.

I do love our Christmas traditions - we have certain cd's that we listen to (The Carpenter's Christmas Album, Manheim Steamroller's Christmas album, Phillips, Craig & Dean's Christmas album), certain movies we watch (Muppet's Christmas Carol, Rudolph [the Claymation], Charlie Brown Christmas, the cartoon The Grinch that Stole Christmas), and certain foods we eat (olive balls, almond bark-dipped Ritz bites, cranberry sauce, & apple pie), and certain things that we do to get into the holiday spirit (decorate the tree, read Christmas books aloud, light a fire in the fireplace)...We do have a lot of lovely traditions that I can't wait to take part in...so on that note...I am looking forward to Christmas.

PS...I am also way too excited about my Harry Potter FDS next semester...I've already started working on it...:p

Just Say It

Well, I did it.

I filled out the end-of-semester reporty thing but the last page, in which you are supposed to discuss your struggles, I wrote something like this:

"I don't understand how a 21 year old woman is not allowed to dance with her husband at the Church Christmas Ball, or watch his favorite movie with him."

"...Although he respects me for my decision to adhere to standards, I would much rather follow his lead than the school's, and though this has not caused much conflict, I would like to be submissive to my husband instead of the school."

(The above is paraphrased as I didn't type it out on Word)

I didn't try to be disrespectful - I am simply stating what I think.

We'll see how this goes.

Why is Christianity (or what we've made it) so darn complicated?

I'm sitting here at work, pissed.

Because one of my friends, who is 22, hung out with her friend (a guy - who's romantically involved with someone else, I might add) and was told by her older housemate that she was just going to have to make up a rule that "you aren't allowed to be alone with a member of the opposite sex." "Why?" she asked. "Because it makes me uncomfortable...and what will the neighbors think? We have to be good witnesses."

Now...

I see both sides of this issue. I UNDERSTAND that we are to be Christ's witnesses here on earth.

I also understand that Jesus probably had a bad reputation and honestly, I think if people talk it's their problem. As long as God and I work on not sinning, that's good. People are going to talk and you're not going to please everyone.

BUT

My friends' parents, co-worker, and a lot of older people would agree with her housemate. Why? Are we just more immoral than the older generation?

Or

Are we less concerned about appearance and more concerned about the truth?

I'm not dissing older people - I have LOTS of friends who are 50+. I just know they would be HORRIFIED if they knew how much alone time I spent w/ my husband before we were married. For the record, we didn't do anything I regret. We didn't have premarital sex and honestly, it wasn't much of a temptation because I didn't want to spoil our marriage relationship because of a stupid mistake.

It's true - people our age are very stupid. They have pre-marital sex,do drugs and drink irresponsibly and sure, we do a lot of stupid crap we'll regret later.

But I think we are tired of just keeping up appearances. Love us for who we are instead of how we look.

I think that's what's at the bottom of all these jumbled knots in my stomach. It's hard to know what the right thing is to do - my poor friend feels like her parents and the older generation have a lot of authority over her and while she doesn't want to cause conflict, she did hate the way her housemate went about securing her house against males (I say she's just jealous - girls are like that). I mean, seriously, now you have to worry about being with the SAME sex, let alone with the opposite.

On the other hand...I do know some people that have made poor choices - but being yanked away from society with the other sex while growing up...does that really help? Kids need to be taught how to think - how to make tough decisions and deal with the consequences. That's what I want for my children. I want them to know that whatever they do, I love them and that they have to make these decisions for themselves. I just hope they have enough sense to make the right choices.

For me, it's a matter of simple common sense. "Premarital sex hurts your marriage? Really? Oh. I see that played out in older peoples' relationships. I see the practicality of waiting until marriage. Ok." Why do some kids with great parents turn out so bad and why do some kids who have horrible parents turn out ok?

I don't know what the difference is...

But I wish people would be more like Jesus. Mostly I wish I was more like Jesus. Because then I would know what to do in a situation like this.

Sigh.

Here's what I think, after reading this through a few times (sorry for the anger vomit):

I think being a good witness and keeping yourself above reproach is following what Christ said: loving others as much as yourself and loving Him above everything. I think that means we can avoid temptation as much as we want but that we WILL be tempted. No matter how hard we try not to remain in the same room with the opposite sex. I think Jesus probably didn't appear a stellar character. But he WAS. I want to be a testimony of God's grace and goodness - and you know what? I think this situation is like when gentiles and Jews were arguing about circumcision. New believers don't need a whole tome of rules thrown at them - they need to know that Christ loves them and that He is there when you are confused about crap like this.

I'm going to go talk to Him about this.

What does loving your neighbor and God look like when it comes to situations like this?

Holiday Shopping is Complicated

This is another entry about the difference between boys and girls. It's such a fascinating subject and I've been discussing various topics related to males/females recently so here we go:

Girls are notoriously easier to shop for than boys. Chocolate, clothes, pamper products (as in: Bath & Bodyworks), jewelry...any of these are good choices for most girls. (Also note: I am not most girls. I don't like B&B and I think clothes are boring. Buy me an old book or something). Most girls aren't that picky either.

While a friend and I were shopping yesterday, we ran into problems with gift ideas for our spouses. Boys are hard to shop for! And if we don't find something they like, they return it, and we get our feelings hurt.

So what to do?

Please note:

1. I'm not dissing the guys - this post is to help girls figure out how to shop for their significant others/friends/relatives/etc.

We all know how guys answer the question "What do you want for Christmas?" Either with something silly or "I don't know." Rarely do we get a specific answer. SO, while talking to my husband this morning (while he was half-asleep - he's so adorable when he's tired...ok, ok, sorry), I learned these 2 important things:

1. Guys are, above all, tactical. If they don't get what they like, they get what they want. They just don't think to consider female emotions and they're not trying to hurt our feelings. They just want something else!

2. Be VERY VERY specific when asking them what they want. "Do you want a scarf?" "Maybe." "A long scarf?" "Yes." "A red one?" "No." "A black one?" "Yes." This will also make it easier on us, because now we know exactly what they want: a long, black scarf.

Don't get your feelings hurt if they want to return the gift - just pay attention to what they get and remember to be specific next year!

Anybody have any other advice/knowledge about this process?

Chuck vs. Psych: An Interesting Note on Guys

This isn't a post about how boys are dumb and girls are smart. Just something I noticed while watching back-to-back episodes of Chuck (Chuck vs. the Sensei) and Psych (most notably Christmas Joy).

First, some background:

1. Chuck - Chuck and Sarah, his FBI handler, have "feelings" for each other. However, since Sarah's past is a mystery and seems to remain that way, Chuck decides he wants a "normal" life - so when his ex comes back in town, they get back together. (Needles to say, it's a disaster)

2. Sean likes Julie or "Jules", a police detective that he works with. Although you can tell there's chemistry, she keeps negativing Sean's hints. So when his friend's sister comes back in town, they revisit a tryst they kept 10 years ago. Again - a disaster.

Why do Chuck and Sean go back to the old when clearly they are in love w/ the new girls in their lives? Why do they both make mistakes? And why don't they see that the girls really do like them?

I just feel like...girls wouldn't do that.

Is it because boys need encouragement to keep going, while girls, once they get encouragement, seem to get tired of the game?

It's rather curious and I was just wondering.

Anyone know anything about male/female psychology when it comes to situations like this? I found it odd that 2 shows highlighted the same situation...

Anyway...not to say males/females have it wrong when it comes to these relationship issues...I'd just never thought about it before. ...Interesting.

I Freaking Love Chuck

Morgan: Alright, listen, look at me. In all honesty, and I hope you know this...but I've always been of the mind that you were destined for great things. Whatever you wanna do, you can do. Senator, President...Emperor of the Known Universe...whatever you want to do. You understand?
Chuck: Yeah. I do.
Morgan: BUT...before you go running off to change the world, I think I should tell you that I'm currently on my way to securing forty-five Twinkies. Now, by which I mean forty-five BAGS of Twinkies.
Chuck: Why would you do that?
Morgan: Good question. Because Jeff said he'd eat all of them in under three minutes. Now he thinks he's eating forty-five, but, technically speaking, he's going to eat ninety.
Chuck: Ninety?!
Morgan: Yeah.
Chuck: Nobody can eat ninety Twinkies.
Morgan: That's what I said. See, he may die! Or at least do extreme damage to several major organs.
Chuck: This I have to see.

-from Chuck, on NBC (Monday nights at 8)

Chuck is my new favorite show. I rank it alongside Arrested Development (Chuck actually features a small character part played by Tony Hale [Buster Bluth]!) as one of my top favorites.

I like this show because it's really clean, funny, action-packed, and yet still has a lot to do with relationships and figuring out life after college.

I would highly recommend this show - you can catch season 2 episodes on Hulu.

Favorite T.V. Shows (in order)

1. Firefly
2. Arrested Development
3. Chuck
4. Project Runway
5. Angel/Psych

CARTOON! CARTOON!

All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream. - E.A. Poe

So I just had an awesome dream...Star Wars and Batman as a cartoon! I've never dreamed in cartoon before. It was awesome.

Stu and I were trying to download something off a computer in someone's house so we had to pretend we were movers and so we had to go find stuff for the houseowners while the thing downloaded but then when I walked outside I saw a red-haired woman and her son talking to Darth Vader, who also had a little boy with him. I realized that the woman and Darth Vader had a past and that they were raising these two little boys (I think they were my brothers in real life) but they were on bad terms with each other. So then I was helping the mom raise the little boy and I wanted to see what Vader was doing with the other little boy so I went through this parking lot filled with cars (all for Darth Vader, the greedy man) and I stopped when I saw one because it was SOOOOOO amazing. It was a long, low sporty batmobile looking thing, except it was red. It was so long that it seated 8 people (2 in front, 2 in the middle and four in the back) but it could get up to speeds of like...300 m.p.h. or something ridiculous. So I asked Vader what it was and I saw on the car that it was a "Colision 140" (spelled like that) and then the mom and the little boy and I got in the car and Vader was chasing us in a motor home (that resembled the one in Spaceballs) and we were driving through an underground parking garage and then the cars jumped into a vertical silver, glittery tube (kind of reminded me of Speedracer) and we were going faster and faster and faster and then we were at the top and we all got out and were shaking and Darth pointed at the boy and he was like, "All he wanted was a napkin!!" (Meaning that the boy drew cars on the napkins at restaurants and just wanted the idea of it but now he was going to be obsessed with cars and speed) and that was the origin of Batman, apparently (or his love of cars/speed) and his mom took him inside and fed him (they were only a few years old) and started crying 'cause she was afraid for him.

It was weird.

The cartoon style was awesome, though, I wish I could duplicate it. And MAN, I want a Colision 140!!!! :)

Have you ever dreamed in cartoon?

EPIC HARRY POTTER DREAM

Yet it is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top. - Virginia Woolf

Yes. I had an epic HP dream. It was thrilling. And quite terrifying. And awesome.

So, I dreamed (I think I was Hermoine) that Ron and I were flying around on our brooms in a field when we spied dark clouds rapidly approaching the school. We saw a HUGE Death Mark (the one the Death Eaters wear) and raced back to Hogwarts to tell everyone. There was a little 2nd year outside on her broom and I flew back to get her but the dementors were swarming the place and one of them grabbed her out of the air and sucked the life out of her before I could do anything. I flew back to school to try to protect as many of the little ones as I could and we got them in one room but the dementors swept through the castle and found us. Professor Dumbledore was gone (So I guess Half-Blood Prince had already happened) and I remember Professor McGonagall and Professor Trelawney swooping around trying to calm everyone down. I was wondering where Snape was. It was summertime, though, I don't know why we were all at Hogwarts. I talked to Ron and said, "We need to go get Harry!" and then Luna was there and we were talking about different plans. Some people attempted escape but the dementors were too close. Suddenly, Luna bellowed (It was SO LOUD), "EXPECTO PATRONUM" and her Patronus burst out and the dementors shrank back which allowed her to escape. So we waited on Luna to bring others to help.

The terrible thing is, I would have gone on dreaming if not for the @#*(&@%(^@#%_)!@(*&@#%@#%@#% Alarm. (Yes. That's exactly how I feel. Hate those things!) Dang it. Another dream ruined by reality. Blah. :)

In other news, I'm finalizing what my creative project for Psalms is going to look like - a 6-8 page short story in myth form along with 3 illustrations (prelim. art already sketched and story already outlined!!). I'm excited.

We have also finalized where the wedding is going to be held and now the only thing I have to do is make sure people get invites and that we can get flowers and that the music is set up right! :)

I'm trying to write a poem...I've got the basic story outline and a picture but I don't have the music for it. Guess that will have to wait until I get home.

I'm so exhausted. I got to work at 8, worked 'til 12, then relaxed for about 45 minutes then ran 2 errands then took a test and now I'm at work until 9 and then I have yearbook and finishing up homework for tomorrow. Sigh. I am SO looking forward to break!!! (TWO DAYS!!!!)

So...what epic dreams have you had?

The Lonely City

Inspired by the picture above, "Comatose," and "Rest," both by Skillet. Critiques/comments, as always, are much appreciated. enjoy.

I put your hand
down on the bed
leave the hospital
now you're dead.

I wander the streets
numb yet in pain
how can I feel
it again and again?

My insides consumed
by heat and by cold
this grief already
feeling old.

Huddled in
a puddle of light
attempting to quell
the rising fright

Live without you?
How can I?
I would much prefer -
to die.

I'm at the bridge,
I contemplate
a way to end
my lonely fate.

I close my eyes
and breathe in deep
someone pulls
as if I'm asleep.

I see your face
my tears - flow
"Why did you
have to go?"

Our last kiss
is slow and sweet
"I don't know when
again we'll meet,

but I will try
to come back here
and visit you
every year."

He held me close,
said goodbye,
I watched him leave
and then I -

I came back,
wrote this quickly
while looking out
at the lonely city.

Inspiration

Not knowing when the dawn will come I open every door. - Emily Dickinson

Song for today: Rebirthing by Skillet

What inspires you?

I have to have inspiration to write - whether from feelings, a beautiful picture, or a song. Mostly a combination of the three is needed to produce something worthwhile.

I think it is interesting that we cannot create in a vacuum. We weren't created that way. We need something beside ourselves to help us bring something else to life.

I wish I could be inspired to do homework. Now there's something I desperately need. As I approach the end of my first extension course, I think with distaste on my choice to take another one next semester. It hasn't been the best experience. I appreciate not having to sit in a classroom, being quite the daydreamer, but I also don't like all the extra work loaded onto those of us who, people assume, show more "responsibility" because we are taking it on ourselves to complete all this work on time. It's a weird occurrence.

But back to inspiration -

The other thing is that you can't produce it yourself - you can't force yourself to be inspired. It comes in little flashes, like glimpsing something on the other side of the curtain, just for a moment. It might be something beautiful, something sad, or even something a little bit scary. You just never know when it's going to hit.

I like being inspired.

I hope to be inspired often.

"A Tragic Yuletide Ballad"

In the style of Tim Burton, Dr. Seuss, and "Twas the Night Before Christmas," I've composed a sort of tragic ballad. It is quite silly.

Inspired by "So Close," "Rebirthing," and "Comatose" (Jon McLaughlin, Skillet) and the picture "Just Hold Me Tight" by Dolphy on deviantart.com



A tale of old
I do seem to recall
of two young lovers
who met at a ball

'twas holiday time,
all snowy and cold,
the handsome young man
took a chance and was bold

He asked the lass
for the final dance
everyone watched
as if in a trance

Love at first sight
so seldomly seen
there was no denying
such a beautiful scene

But as you might
have morbidly guessed
this tale contains
a tragic death

They shared a kiss
in silver light
promised their love
the very same night

The lad then left
in a brand new carriage
thinking thoughts
of romance and marriage

Sadly, it was
the new look of the thing
the highwayman saw
and demanded a ring

"Or gold or some jewels,"
he said with a laugh,
"I'm easy to please,
just give me some cash."

The young man grew frightened,
he had nothing to spare
in fact, cash in hand
was really quite rare.

He begged the highwayman
very genteely
to let him go free
because of his lady

The highwayman listened
with growing annoyance
to the young man's description
of his budding romance

He soon cut it short
he was really quite rude
for the cold had put him
in a terrible mood

when he saw that he'd lost
the chance for some loot
he decided to give
the young lad the boot

his anger increased
by leaps and bounds
he drew out a gun
and shot the lad down

the boy wasn't found
until the next day
all frozen and blue
next to the highway

the lass he had loved
at first screamed and cried
but when all her tears
at last had been dried

She wanted revenge
and she wanted it bad
so devised she a plan
to get rid of the cad

She dressed in her finest
and ordered her sleigh
filled her pockets with jewels
and then drove away

She kept a sharp lookout
for that highwayman
because in her rage
she’d hatched a clever plan

She found him quite soon
and stopped when he told her
he demanded to see
what she had to hand over

She gave him a grin
then pulled out a knife
slit his cold throat
and ended his life

She stood there in triumph
but to her dismay
the sad feelings she’d felt
would not go away

So she packed up her jewels
and drove the sleigh back
went into her room
and came out wearing all black

she mourned for her love
and the man that she’d killed
she wasted away
though the cook was quite skilled

For a conscience that’s guilty
will never let up
the bitter taste of regret
remains in Life’s cup

After she died
they found a note
detailing the murder
in her own hand, she wrote:

“The moral of this
is perfectly clear,
there’s a reason
that you should not ever kill,

You do a disservice
To all humankind
When you judge a fellow
And make up your mind

That he doesn’t deserve
the life that he’s given
Someone else did
and He lives in heaven.”

And so ends our tale
of tragic Yuletide
of a handsome young man
and his would-be bride

The highwayman robber
And his love of cold cash
Which, sadly, becomes
In the end, simply trash

The lives that were taken
oh, it’s terribly sad
what happens when people
decide to be bad

I said I would finish
And here’s what I’ve penned:
I bid you farewell
And write in “the End.”

I want you to be the last thing I see

I had a horrible nightmare this morning.

I woke up at 6 something and rolled over to try to go back to sleep. I should have gotten up.

I dreamed that my city was hiding a bunch of Jews from the Nazis but someone tipped them off and they came and found them and rounded them up to take them to a prison camp. There was an old Jewish couple staying with us and all the Jews and those who had been taking care of them were threatened with worse than the prison camp if they didn't go. The Nazis were going to use some bio-weapon on the whole city if there wasn't cooperation. So the people went - but not before they corralled me and made me go too. They rounded up the young people and made them work in the prison camp, although their living quarters were in a different area and they were treated simply as workers. I had to help the old Jewish couple and so I lived in the prison camp as a prisoner. I couldn't tell people where I was going or what I was doing, and the horrible thing was that at the prison camp, they were going to release the bioweapon - so everyone would lose their eyesight. I started thinking about seeing things for the last time. My family...my city...comic books...but when I thought of seeing Stu for the last time, my whole body shook with suppressed grief and I wept and wept. It was awful. I went to the prison camp and at one point was with a bunch of the young workers and I was angry that no one knew how bad the situation was and I yelled, "I'M IN THE PRISON CAMP, I'M LIVING IN THE PRISON CAMP!!!" meaning that I was going to lose my eyesight. The workers stared at me and the camp director whisked me off (it was C.J. from the West Wing) and started asking me questions and was upset when I told her my dad and Stu didn't know where I was, just mom - and it seemed as if there were more to her than met the eye and that she wanted to help...but then I woke up.

I am so thankful for the gift of seeing. I love colors and I love seeing my husband's face. I think we take eyesight for granted most of the time. This just reminded me how precious it is.

Well, that's it for now. I may post some poetry later.

Poem Ideas

Just had to type this since I have no pen and paper handy.

Here are some things I'm going to use to write some more poems.

a picture from deviantart (haven't found the right one yet) and the song "So Close" - title for my poem: The Last Dance

the song "Alive" by J.Lo

the story of Peter Pan

I'd like to take some soundtrack music and write poetry to it - namely, the soundtracks from:

-Finding Neverland
-A Series of Unfortunate Events
-Peter Pan
-The Phantom of the Opera
-Sweeney Todd

Let me know if you think of some others that I might enjoy!

Writing Poetry

You can't write poetry on the computer.
-Quentin Tarantino

I have found this to be true - literally. I cannot write a poem staring at a computer screen. I must get out my pen and paper and scribble, scribble, scribble until I have found the arrangement of words that I want to express whatever it is I feel like expressing.

I wonder why that is?

I've written 3 poems in the past few days - it is nice to see some pleasurable work completed. I do like writing poetry - even if it is horribly tragic and I end up crying half the time...just kidding. That was hyperbole. Although sometimes I do feel very, very sad about what is happening in the poem and I will pound my fist on the table and express my feelings in sighs and agonized, whispered, "No!"'s. I have to laugh at myself.

I did not discover that I loved to write poetry until the age of 17, although I did go back and find some old journals from when I was 8 and found that I had attempted several poem-like ventures. I should have learned earlier to stick to tragedy.

I think writing poetry is my favorite kind of writing. I like to write short stories and I have ideas for novels, TV shows, movies, etc., but...there is something about poetry that calls to me. So I write sad poetry, although I am not sure where it is calling me to.

There are a few poems of mine that I really love. Is that bad? I mean, I know great writers hate their work, so by loving some of my poems does that mean I'm doomed to remain a scribbler instead of someone who shares a bit of her soul with the world? I haven't puzzled that out yet.

It is at times like these that I love to read the Emily of New Moon series. Written by L.M. Montgomery, this trilogy is about an aspiring poetess and it's just...beautiful. I don't know where my copies are but they are a comfort to me on days when I feel like I can't do anything at all.

Anyway - this was quite a ramble but I wanted to post something other than poetry today (although that may come later).

Love to all.

Poem: Just One Kiss

Inspired by the picture "Just One Kiss" found on deviantart.com (Severus Snape and Lily fanart from HP) and "Peter" from the Finding Neverland soundtrack.

He asked her once
for just one kiss
she was disinclined
to acquiesce.

Though he remained
loyal for life,
she became
another's wife.

When danger called
He flew to her aid
although too late
and found her - dead.

He pressed his lips
upon hers, cold
in his grief
at last, was bold.

The chance for love -
a single kiss,
his tears were warm
upon her face.

Too late now
for her to feel,
he held her tightly
even still.

His love still burns
true and strong
and all his life,
however long -

In his dreams,
she says yes
when he asks
for just one kiss.

Poem: Sunday Rain

Inspired by this picture (SAD) and Sunday by Maroon 5.

Rainin' on my head
can't get outta bed
Put the umbrella up
Pulled out my raindrop cup.

Blanket's getting soggy,
I'm feelin' kinda groggy,
Is that the rain that's got me wet,
Or the tears makin' me upset?

Not gonna get any better,
is it? This life's a fetter,
chained in reality,
despite my fragility.

Rainin' on my head,
finally outta bed,
found that the rain
was all in my brain.

The Weirder the Dream...

Judge of your natural character by what you do in your dreams.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I had a long, weird, scary dream last night. This is one of those that doesn't have a specific meaning and is just interesting to dissect later.

Here goes:

In my dream, I was part of a settlement (yes, it was very sci-fi) and we had just heard about a new virus that was spreading rapidly. We were in a huge house and while we were packing and getting ready to evacuate, soldiers came and we were running from them, and ended up at one of our peoples' work - I saw that three women were in charge of spreading the virus through the pipes (they were mixing things and then pouring them into the pipes) and I tried to tell someone but no one heard me. Then, we saw the people with the virus - they were like zombies, a little slow, with a vacant stare, but they would eat you if they got close. We started running and then we ran into someone we knew and they told me that my boss (in real life) had gotten the virus - then I saw her. She slowly ambled toward me and I cried out in terror. I started sprinting toward the parking lot and got in a car with some people and people were running after me, some with the virus, others who also wanted to get away. We didn't have room but the people crowded around so much that we couldn't move before the people with the virus came - so we got out and ran back into the building, but we had to pretend we didn't know what was going on. So I got 3 of the little girls in the nursery to follow me out and we walked around to the receptionist's desk (she knew what was going on, the villain) and she asked what we were doing and I realized we hadn't done a great job of pretending we didn't know what was going on so I explained that we were playing Simon Says and she bought that (haha) and I found books for the girls to read while I tried to wait on the signal to spring on everybody so we could shut the place down and fortify it before the people with the virus caught on.

It was terrifying. And very, very real. Part of me knew it was a dream and while I was running, I was like, "This is a dream," but part of me was like, "I don't care, I HAVE to get away from these creeps!" Ugh. *shivers*

I wish I was able to visionify it for people - I'm bad at describing things and the above is just a jumble of words attempting to put together a terrifying picture of my dream. Eh.

I think what's terrifying me is that my life feels out of control. I don't know if I have seasonal depression (it runs on my mom's side of the family) or if it's just part of the newlywed jumble of feelings, or if it's because I'm exhausted all the time (mono?)...but I'm an absolute crank and ready to cry at the drop of a hat. Today I spilled juice all over myself and I got so frustrated...I hate feeling stupid (which was the biggest part of it) and I was already late (which was the other part). I've cried and been depressed several times in the past few days and I'm not really sure why. Here are some things that might be the cause:

1. I hate myself - I can't do anything. I just don't feel like I can do anything except schoolwork.

*Correction: I don't hate myself. I...just don't LIKE myself very much.

2. I feel fat and ugly - I'm not taking good care of my hair and I'm "mildly obese."
3. I feel like I have no self-control.
4. I think I might be prone to an eating disorder.

I've struggled with weight issues a lot - I used to be stick thin until I hit puberty and then I was made to cut back on my portions and exercise, which made my already low self-image even worse. I got obsessed with exercise in college and sometimes I wouldn't let myself eat for up to 16-24 hours. Then sometimes I eat too much.

I don't think I would have a documented eating disorder but occasionally I'm frightened because I see how this is slowly becoming an issue with me.

I'd rather exercise than diet. I'd rather eat raw veggies than meat. I just don't know if I want to change enough, you know? You have to want to before it becomes a reality and that's why I feel like I don't have self-control.

So, sadly, I take it out on things and get frustrated and depressed and my poor husband doesn't know what to do. Well, we're in the same boat.

I was mostly ok before last week so possibly this is just my PMS talking...but I do struggle with weight issues and I think it's just making PMS worse.

I do humbly apologize for how I am in this state. I hate it. Pray for me?

Poem: The Last Goodbye

Inspired by this photo: (The Last Goodbye)

I took the roses that you left
dried, crumbled, dead;
went upstairs into the rain
to see where you had fled.

I did not know
why you would go
until I saw the mirror;
The visage made it clearer.

How long have I been dead?
How long before you left?
The roses tell me you were faithful
At least a little after death.

-

Comments/critiques most welcome.

Note: Unfortunately, this seems to be the only sort of poetry my pen can handle. I've tried, again and again, to write something happy and besides some little one-verse things, I've failed. Dismally. So I stick with what I know. I'm alright with it. Hope you like it.

With Brush and Canvas

"Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up." - Pablo Picasso

Yesterday I introduced Stu to the medium of paint. I had a board, a lot of brushes, and some acrylics at my house and he mentioned he'd always wanted to paint. I took 3 years of oil painting lessons so I got excited at the chance to paint again and teach someone what I knew. I grabbed my easel and supplies and we set up a studio in the living room.

We started with the basics: brush movements, types of brushes, how to draw a design, etc. He knew what he wanted to do; I hadn't found an idea to spark my interest. We dipped our brushes in the cup full of water and started dabbing.

There is something very therapeutic about wielding a brush.

Both our paintings turned into something we weren't expecting, and it was a glorious afternoon. His painting, "Fire Scry," is lovely - blues and yellows and oranges with a woman's face in the fiery circle. I need to find out what size that board is so we can find a frame. I'm also glad he was happy with the end product - it's frustrating to paint the first few boards and realize that you have a long way to go - I think because he knows how to draw well, he's got the basics covered already. (Way to go, dearest!!)

I wish I did not have schoolwork this week - I would love to come home from my hectic schedule and have time to just sit and paint. I love it.

I'm really glad Stu and I found something creative that we can do together. It's also cool that I was able to give him what he needed to do something he's been wanting to do for a long time. I'm so glad I kept all my art supplies, just for this.

Song for today: Little Wonders by Rob Thomas

What mediums do you like to create with?

What are your dreams?

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

-Emily Dickinson

I have lots of dreams. I dream strange things at night; I daydream many times throughout the day (often in class) and I sometimes imagine what I want my life to look like 20 years from now. There are several things I would love to be doing - but I must realize that in 20 years, I'll be 41. Can that be possible? There will be things I cannot do anymore. So I must do them now.

If I had the resources, here is what I would be doing right now:

1. Taking ballet lessons
2. Going horseback riding
3. Painting
4. Driving/Camping through the Midwest/Western U.S.
5. Ice skating
6. Entertaining on the weekends
7. Flying to Europe
8. Taking a history class
9. Taking part in a theatrical production - in acting/costume design/directing, etc.
10. Decorating my house with themed rooms - Old World living room, Cherry and black in the kitchen, and a library complete with roaring fire in the fireplace and an overstuffed armchair.

I can at least do some of these right now - the entertaining on the weekends, flying to Europe (in just 6 weeks!), and finding ways to learn about history without having to pay for a class.

It's weird to think that my life is just starting - highschool and college aren't really an ending to anything but childhood - and they are also the beginnings of adulthood. I don't regret leaving behind my highschool years...and I say goodbye to my college years next semester. I'll be glad to be done with this phase. I'm happy to move on.

I know what part of my life will [potentially] look like - God-willing, I'll have my husband beside me for the next 50+ years. We might have kids eventually, and we'll hopefully be involved in some sort of ministry.

What else will I do with my life?

Time will tell, I suppose.

When it's all been said and done, though, I hope that I'll have accomplished something artistic that will continue to touch people's souls long after I am gone.

I guess it's the Autumnal season that makes me so nostalgic.

The wind is blowing through the park and the sun is shining...the leaves are finally turning, and the sky is blue. It is a beautiful day. I hope yours is just as lovely.

What are your dreams for the future?

"...Within a Dream..."

All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream

-E. A. Poe

This begins my new blog - hooray for the new!

It's autumn, the leaves are turning (even in Columbia!) and I feel inspired to begin some things anew.

This blog is entitled "Leia's Dreams" because of a dream I had a few years ago. I was doubting my salvation and I prayed about it one night before going to sleep.

I dreamed that I was at a church and I was wandering down the aisle when the pastor came up to speak to me. "Your name isn't Leyla anymore," he assured me, "It's Leia." I woke up and decided to check out the names.

Although baby names vary in meanings, the ones I found were:

Leyla: "dark/night child"

Leia: "Child of heaven."

That was very reassuring to me and I think that is one of the first dreams I remember that meant something. I don't believe every dream means something; you can usually piece together parts of your day and figure out why you dreamed things; but occasionally, some dreams are sent to reassure, inspire, or warn us.

Have you ever had a dream like this? [that you knew meant something]