Bits and Pieces

I think I'm slowly forming into the person I really want to be.

Little by little.

Piece by piece.

Throwing out the old, worn-out, useless bits.

Emptying myself of the trash that's been cluttering up my insides.

You know how I can tell?

I'm cleaning out the apartment.

Yesterday I recycled some magazines.  I took the trash.

Today I recycled a bag of bottles.

This afternoon I'll take a load out of the car.

Tomorrow I'll recycle another bag of bottles, or perhaps the bags full of more plastic bags.

Once I'm done with that, I'll move on to getting rid of things like extra clothing, boxed food that I can no longer eat, kitchen appliances -- worn out, never used, *stuff* that just sits there.

There's more room in my house than I know.  I haven't been utilizing the space well.  But the overwhelming knowledge that my house was *full* of trash made the task seem impossible.

Then I realized, I just needed to take one thing out at a time.

I'm trying to do that internally as well.

I think simplicity is important to me, and I never would have guessed that even two years ago.

One Thing At A Time

Life moves too fast for me.  I get caught up in the whirl of activity and at the end of the year, I always think, "Where did the time go?"

Sometimes things just happen -- illness, car repair, family drama, a stumpy paycheck.  There's not much I can do after the fact to change any of it.  I just have to deal with it and juggle everything else I've got going on until everything gets back to normal.

But what is normal?  What can I prevent?  And how can I sleep when I'm so anxious that I write out two pages of a To-Do list and then freak myself out over not being able to get it done?

I think part of the problem is our society's tendency toward workaholism.  We take on too much and forget about taking care of ourselves, and pretty soon we're old and sick and usually, still poor (because we also have a tendency toward a feeling of entitlement and excess).

Another part of the problem is my own jumble of neuroses.  I am by nature a calm, easy-going person, but I need a stress-free (or low-stress) environment to function well.  I'm an introvert.  And I love things that don't pay well (for the most part).  So I'm working an almost-full-time job without benefits so that we can eat (semi-healthily), and the customer service side is driving me up the wall.  I've about hit my limit.

It's not that people aren't nice (most of them are); and it isn't that I can't handle it in the short-term.  But it is true of me that I need fewer work hours if I'm going to be in an extroverted environment.  If I'm in an introverted environment, I have the capability to work (although I lack the proclivity for) a full-time job.

And while there are artistic opportunities in my work, I can't throw myself into them.  I have to do them and move on before fully realizing my vision.  It's frustrating, for an artist.

I've had to learn to say no to fun things while dragging myself through the not-so-fun things.  I've had to learn to be practical.  I've had to learn that I will just have to deal with how hard life is at the moment.  I've had to learn that sometimes, no one steps in to rescue you.  You have to wait in the darkness.  Alone.

And then, of course, along comes opportunity.  It beckons you.  And you grab it and three other things and run with them because you think, I used to be afraid to step out and take them, so I must take them all.  And then you realize that you might have to pick and choose the opportunities instead of gobbling them all down like a greedy child.  You still have to say no sometimes.

Life was rough these last few months.  And now, suddenly, things are popping up left and right.  I'm daydreaming about how these seeds will spiral into big, leafy trees.  I've turned to the next chapter.  And what I'm seeing is full of light.

If only life would slow down so I could enjoy each thing as it passes.  My directorial debut will be over in two weeks; I'm finishing up another novel in three.  And who knows what possibilities will head my way over the summer?  I've already got two or three in the works.

I think what I'm saying is, I wish things could happen one at a time.  So I could just handle the next thing.  Staying focused on the next step is easier when I don't see what's around me - a roaring river, a flitting butterfly, or another opportunity.  I wish life was that simple.

But I don't think it is, so I have to decide -- what do I do with all these opportunities?  Which ones do I take?  Which ones do I leave behind?  What do I already have that needs to go?  And how will I know the right decision when I see it?

Unfortunately there's no answer key for life.  You gotta write the questions and answers yourself.

Journal Full of Secrets

The night before last I dreamed I was in rehearsal and one of the girls was writing in her (prop) journal. When we took a break, I went and looked at the journal and was astounded at how much she had written!  Pages and pages.  Then I looked more closely and discovered that she'd started writing down everyone's secrets.

I can't remember any because I woke up shortly after that.