Hope

"Hope is the thing with feathers/that perches in the soul/And sings the tune--without the words/And never stops at all." - Emily Dickinson

"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." - George Iles

Whenever I'm feeling particularly blue and down or upset and unhappy, I tend to turn towards beacons of hope - for me, that's beautiful music, or a movie, or a comforting book, or a piece of art. Or...a lot of things.

Here, then is, my collection of hopeful, inspired, beautiful things that make me feel better. A list of My Favorite Things, in 5's.

Movies:
1. Speedracer
2. Meet the Robinsons
3. Despicable Me
4. A Series of Unfortunate Events
5. Disney's Beauty & the Beast

Books:
1. A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
2. The Harry Potter series - J.K. Rowling
3. The Tale of Despereaux - Kate DiCamillo
4. The Chronicles of Narnia - C.S. Lewis
5. The Blue Castle or The Emily Trilogy - L.M. Montgomery

Art:
1. The Astronomer by Johannes Vermeer (and others by him)
2. Jeunes Filles au Piano by Pierre A. Renoir (and others by him)
3. The Accolade by Edmund Blair Leighton (and others by him)
4. Sophie Blackall's paintings on missedconnectionsny.blogspot.com
5. Peter Paul Rubens' painting of The Duke of Lerma (I love the horse!)

Music:
1. Clair D'Lune by Claude Debussy
2. Canon in D by Pachelbel
3. Lost! by Coldplay (on Viva La Vida)
4. Vanilla Twilight by Owl City
5. Savior by Lights

TV Shows:
1. Pushing Daisies
2. Chuck
3. Firefly
4. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (some episodes...!)
5. Doctor Who

And then, there is the art therapy I do to have a beautiful project finished:

1. knitting
2. drawing
3. writing (poetry)
4. Creating a page in my Secrets Notebook
5. arranging flowers

and...activities:

1. walk
2. ice skate
3. ballet
4. practice harp/piano
5. cook

Exorcising Some Old Demons

There's a part in The Blue Castle (By L.M. Montgomery) where the main character, Valancy, remembers something hurtful that happened when she was little. Later in the story, she is able to rectify the old happening and the pain from it starts fading away.

Yesterday morning I woke up with two incidents in my head from when I was small. I was unjustly punished for things I either didn't understand or shouldn't have been punished to that extreme for.

It made me angry that I remembered them on Thanksgiving (why couldn't I just be grateful?) and spent some time doing some 'self-therapy' to work through it.

Back when I was in counseling, we were talking through an incident where I had been about to be punished for something I hadn't done. I had gotten so sick to the point where if I had been punished I would have promptly thrown up. My counselor asked if I would close my eyes and imagine that Jesus was there, and then try to imagine what he would say to me.

It seems a silly exercise, but it worked. I imagined Jesus holding me, and telling me that He knew the truth, and that everything was alright.

It didn't matter if I got punished or not (they knew I was really sick and not faking so I got let off), the overwhelming injustice of it made it hurtful. I have fought against injustice ever since I can remember, and I hate it. It hurts me when others are unjust or when I am dealt with unjustly.

So I woke up to these two memories.

I replayed them over in my mind, and thought, what would I do in that situation now? Well first of all, I would have respectfully insisted that it was an unfair punishment and that I should have it explained to me. Second, if they insisted on the punishment, I would have broken what they were using to spank me and went somewhere where there were other people.

So in my mind, I played the situation again and did those things. I snapped the wooden instrument, said it was unfair, and suggested another punishment. I didn't play out my parents' reactions, since I am unsure what they would have done, but it helped me be able to forgive them for humiliating and unjustly punishing me for things I shouldn't have been so harshly punished for, and to stand up for myself.

This seems really childish. But I am a person who gets hurt deeply and remembers. Instead, I need to play out old situations with new reactions, then move on to forgiveness. I was able to forgive my parents and now the memories aren't so clear. Soon they won't be still fresh wounds but healing wounds.

I wrote about these and other instances in my Secrets notebook last night. Several pages were taken up with old secrets that I didn't even know I still had. It helped.

I am, as Valancy said, "just exorcising some old demons".

NaNoWriMo, Scott Pilgrim, Astrid's New Clothes, & New Idea

I'm very pleased with my progress for NaNoWriMo. I'm a little concerned about the quality of it, but at this point I'm just using any new ideas to up my word count. There's legitimately some cool moments and all the major plot points are there, but...this book is going to have to be majorly reworked. Which may just be how I write, I don't know. Anyway. I'm less than a day behind and I plan on catching up tonight (after I write hundreds of words on my blog. SIGH.) I really like Mae, I detest the villain, and I love the imagery of it all.

So there's this great movie that I think is becoming a sleeper hit. We borrowed it and just received a copy of it from a friend and we've watched it twice in one week, with plans to watch it at Thanksgiving with Stu's family. Yes, I am totally talking about Scott Pilgrim vs. The World! It's based on a manga (and I guess stays pretty true to the story from what I heard) and if there was ever a movie just for our generation...well, this is it.

1. The band Scott is in has an AWESOME name. It's just fun to say.
2. The music is amazing.
3. Michael Cera and Mae Whitman (Arrested Development), plus Jason Schwartzman and Brandon Routh.
4. Unique characters/movie quirks (the Universal intro - BRILLIANT!)
5. A surprisingly deep and beautiful moral about self-respect and relationships

Any time you want to watch it, let me know.

I haven't been able to get my sewing machine and stuff to the house yet (next week!), so I decided to do some handsewing (which I am horrible at, but I've got to practice) and make a new outfit for my teddy bear, Astrid. I made her a brown corduroy skirt out of a pair of pants that I don't wear anymore, and I took some of Stu's shorts and made her a little shirt. Then I knitted her a little scarf. She looks very cute. I think she needs some slippers and a hat, though. Hmmm...

I'm thinking I will try a jacket and some shorts next. I like drafting patterns and the ones I already made weren't too shabby. :)

Also, I have a new idea for another book. Just a one-shot comedy about a girl who's visited by an angel while in the bathroom at her school (I know. It's weird. But that's me.). She is basically given special powers and told to use them for good. For a little one-shot full of silly stuff, I think there's a lot of theological potential there (comparisons to Moses and the burning bush came to mind).

I love getting a new idea. I think it over and over and slowly build around it, getting the first sentence and scene in my head and then I scribble it down and think about possible things to connect the story together.

Anyway. That's all I've got. Now I need to go finish up my NaNo word count for today.

Unsettled

Job: 37+ hrs/wk
Sleep: 40 hrs/wk
Lunch Commitments: 5 hrs/wk
Harp Practice: should be 14 hrs/wk
Writing:21 hrs/wk
Church Commitments: 6 hrs/wk
Friend Time: 15+ hrs/wk
Stu & Me Time: 20+ hrs/wk
House Cleaning/Chores: 7+ hrs/wk
Errands: 5 hrs/wk

Total: 171 hours

Actual Time in a Week:168 hours

Granted, some of this takes place during work, and sometimes some of this doesn't get done (see: Harp Practice & House Cleaning/Chores), but...I feel like this all equals:

Me Time = 0 hrs/wk.

Don't get me wrong - I can't really cross any of this off my list, and I don't really want to. I'm just completely exhausted and right now I can't wait for Dec. 9 because after that I don't have such a strict schedule practice, NaNoWriMo is over, and Christmas Break is looming just over the horizon.

I really, really do need some me time, though. A walk in the woods with the camera, an afternoon of creating, or a night-time jaunt into the kitchen to make some tasty food...or just curl up in a chair and read aloud to myself. I need to just sit and do something with my hands instead of let my brain whirl constantly. :/

I am not good at a) managing my time b) managing my body c) managing anything.

Guess I know what my New Year's Resolution is!

Lost!

Fall makes me happily melancholy.

Today's song, Lost! by Coldplay (Viva La Vida) is exactly how I feel.

"Just because I'm losing doesn't me I've lost/doesn't mean I'll stop/doesn't mean I'm across".

The song has organ, hand-claps, drum circle...yeah, it's pretty cool.

December, December

Last night was lovely. A group of dear friends went with Stu and me to Delaney's to celebrate Morgan's would-be 21st. It was perfect. Thanks to all of you who were there, it means so much to me.

Today is a blues-y, melancholy sort of day, but as someone said once on Dr. Who, "sad is happy for deep people." (Sally Sparrow, 'Blink') The song for today is Lost! by Coldplay.

I've been thinking about what I want to do in December. Besides my work schedule, after the first week of December, choir practice is over so I won't have to stress about that.

I want to read plays again. Sing carols. Cook yummy treats. Spend an entire night crafting.

So.

Goals for December:

1. Have a Pride & Prejudice day (watch the 5 1/2 hr. A&E version)
2. Read a play aloud (Shakespeare or Oscar Wilde or both!)
3. Spend time working on my dollhouse(s)
4. Write a short story to submit to the Highlights contest
5. Bake something delicious (and make my traditional holiday treats)
6. Go caroling
7. Go sledding

Hopefully some of these are possible before Christmas Break - particularly the first two.

Next week is Thanksgiving - we're going down to spend a 4-day weekend with Stu's parents, which will be a much-needed break. I'm going to finish my NaNo novel and read and hopefully craft something, either knitting or collage or dollhouse related.

I'm looking forward to it.

Happy 21st

In 1989 my mom gave birth to a boy - Morgan Philip Dean. He was average weight (around 7 lbs) with big blue eyes and no hair. He was a chunky little thing and at 6 months he was almost as big as I was at 2 years.

Mom took us to get our portraits done (2 years/6 months) and a few days later Morgan had his accident.

I don't remember much about that time. I don't even remember him choking, even though I was in the same room. One minute I was under the bed eating a gummy bear and the next I was in my neighbor's arms while our other neighbor, a paramedic, tried to get the toy out of Morgan's throat (It was a Fisher Price Little People toy).

The next thing I remember is watching Disney movies at my friend Caleb's house while Morgan was in the hospital.

Then I remember being at the hospital and a nurse handing me a squeaky teddy bear in the room where they kept the siblings of kids who were in the hospital.

Then...nothing.

I didn't go to the funeral.

I don't remember seeing his grave, although I apparently asked for weeks where Morgan was, so my parents finally took me to the grave site, and after that I didn't talk about him any more.

I am grateful that my mother was so camera-crazy. We have videos of him and me, pictures of him and me, and we still have some of his stuffed animals/baby clothes (for when I have a little boy).

It's always harder this time of year because I think, "How close would we have been? Would he be here? Would we spend a lot of time together? What would he look like? What would he sound like?"

Mom thinks he was an angel. He definitely saved some lives. Morgan's death ended with our two neighbors (almost divorced drug addicts) accepting Christ and they've been clean and together ever since. That instance is what caused me to accept Christ years later - Christ sacrificed HIS son to save me? I could definitely see the pain He must have felt.

So in a way, his death brought glory to God, who knows how to bring good out of bad.

That still doesn't take the pain away, and I don't think it ever will.

If Morgan had lived, I rather doubt my parents would have had any more kids. We certainly wouldn't have had Adrianna. But I think Morgan would have understood me better. We were close, even as little kids. We played together, I pretended to read to him, and I acted out stories for him (one of which was Bambi, which we have on video, and I acted out a scene where Bambi said "sh!t", and then the camera shakes because mom is giggling - pretty sure I learned that one from grandma), and I loved him. I loved him so much.

I miss him every year, more so as the years go by.

I'm glad I have three other siblings...but I'll always miss the little guy who wore the Kansas Jayhawks cap and had a fuzzy teddy bear to sleep with. His gorgeous eyes, his big grin, and his always-happy, chubby-cheeked face.

Today I'm going out to a pub and ordering a drink for Morgan, because if he were here, I'd treat him out to drinks.

At least we have eternity in heaven to catch up.

One Fun Weekend

This weekend will be pretty busy, but in a good way.

Today my goal is to write 15k if a computer is handy. If not, I'll settle for 5k handwritten (but I'm REALLY hoping there's a keyboard to type on!!!) I'll be going to my friend Vikki's house and meeting up with other NaNoers to up our wordcount the entire day. :)

Then tonight, my friend Rachel is coming into town and we are hosting a birthday party for a CIU student. My friend Stephen is making chai tea (wooo!!) and we are watching Fantastic Mr. Fox. Pretty exciting stuff.

Tomorrow I hope we're going to church (haven't been in a while), then maybe coming home and resting.

Monday I go back to work (CYNDE WILL BE BACK!! YES!), and then I have a D&D game Monday night. I also have to practice harp in the morning.

Whew. Busy. I'm really wishing I could get my craft stuff and start working on my dollhouse kit.

Also, FreeCycle is awesome.

Someone was giving away Nine West black ballet flats in my size, so we met up last night. The shoes are awesome!!! And the girl was really sweet, we even talked for a little while! So that's cool. Here's hoping more FreeCycle stuff comes my way... :) (Preferably a couch)

The Blues

I've been sick for two weeks now, with a cold and with the usual monthly terror. :/ I'm still not over my cold as it has settled into my lungs and every time I sneeze I run the risk of coating anything in sight with ectoplasm. (Ewwwwwww!)

I've revisited some Office episodes recently and fallen back in love with that show. Even though it isn't really true to life, I feel like those characters are so human, and the writing on that show is brilliant. (I've been watching seasons 5&6)

A lot of my friends as well as myself are going through some rough stuff right now and I think that's why I've gone back to watch some of The Office. Things can get pretty bad around here, especially as the holidays approach.

Also, my brother Morgan would be 21 this year, on November 16. I imagine it'd just be me and him Stateside, celebrating somewhere, maybe with a little Rum and Coke.

Every year his birthday sneaks up on me and takes me by surprise. I think about how old he'd be and what we'd be doing and how he would look. I think that's one reason I have several guy friends that age - I long to know what Morgan could have been.

Don't get me wrong - I'm glad he's in heaven waiting for me. I just...wonder how things would have turned out sometimes.

I think that's why I've been feeling down lately - I'm always sad this time of year and then wonder why and then I remember that this is another year where my little baby brother isn't around to hug, or watch movies with me on our makeshift mattress-couch.

I still miss him.