I must say, it's rather depressing to receive a paycheck that's $500 different than what you expected, only to realize they are indeed counting the two weeks when you weren't at work. It does rather put a damper on things.
It also shows the difference between me and my spouse. Neither of us have a better reaction, just a different one. Stu has been brought up in a world where everything always blows up in his face sooner or later. I was brought up in a world where I never had anything to blow up in my face. So we cope differently.
I feel badly for Stu. He works so hard, at a job he hates, so that we can put food on the table. All he wants is a little time on the internet, and we can't even afford it right now. Neither of us have had luck searching for better jobs, and it's looking more likely things will be this way for a while.
Stu is convinced that the universe hates him. He grew up with several horrible father experiences, so it's only natural for him to think that his Father won't come through for him.
I just assume that since my father didn't care enough or didn't know enough to want to get to know me and celebrate my individuality, that my Father doesn't care enough either. And I know I'm wrong, but 22 years of thinking that way is hard to reverse. Baby steps.
What both of us need to realize [which I keep reminding myself] is that 1. Things won't always be this way. They may get worse, or they may get better, but this is not the rest of our lives. This is now, and now will change. 2. God's got a plan. We need to trust that He is going to take care of us, through whatever means necessary. 3. Cynicism, as CoCo said, won't get us anywhere. If we work hard and are kind, amazing things [might] will happen.
With that being said...
Sometimes I see things turning out quite nicely. I spun a dream life last night to Stu. I could get a book published and then when they want to make a movie I can put him in the director's chair. Once they see he's absolutely wonderful, they'll want to take his ideas and make them into movies.
And then there are sometimes when I see the beginning steps of what might happen. My book MIGHT get published in the next few years. It MIGHT be a popular book. I MIGHT get to write more books and get them published while working somewhere to support us. We MIGHT be able to live where we want to live, complete with internet and another dog.
I feel as if this might happen, some day. I might become a published author.
A little faith and a lot of hard work is all that's required.
And right now, with a little creative budgeting and skimping here and there...we might survive this month. Stu gets another paycheck in two weeks. If I make it a game it will be more fun, right? I just have to pretend I'm Pollyanna.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Success! Sort of...
Well, last night I ate more of the pseudo lo mein and I did indeed have a crazy dream but now I can't remember it. Sad. I shall eat some tonight and see if I can remember it this time.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Recipe for Dreams
1 pkg. of Ramen noodles [cook but don't add flavoring, unless it's the oriental type]
6 "Li'l Smokies" chopped up into pieces
2 sticks of celery
1 tbs butter
a sprinkling of peanuts
1. Sautee the celery in butter 5-7 minutes
2. Cook Ramen for 3 minutes
3. Drain noodles and combine them with the celery and smokies. Mix.
4. Top with peanuts and whatever sauce you like - soy, duck sauce, ranch dressing, etc.
Enjoy!
This meal is what inspired my really crazy/weird/creepy dream last night.
The only part I can remember is that I was Jim Carrey, and was filming a movie in a jungle with Will Farrell and an actress, but I forget her name. We were wading through water trying to run from someone but we realized the area we were in was fenced, so we slipped around and around in a square while trying to avoid the dozens of boa constrictors floating in the water and slithering around the trees.
Then I woke up [still in my dream] and told Stu about it and thought it was a sign that something was going to go wrong with my friend's sister's baby, which was being born that night.
Then I woke up for real to find out that my friend's sister's baby is alright, after 48 hours of labor which ended in a C-section. :/
Anyway...I shall be eating more of this pseudo lo mein tonight to see if something else happens.
6 "Li'l Smokies" chopped up into pieces
2 sticks of celery
1 tbs butter
a sprinkling of peanuts
1. Sautee the celery in butter 5-7 minutes
2. Cook Ramen for 3 minutes
3. Drain noodles and combine them with the celery and smokies. Mix.
4. Top with peanuts and whatever sauce you like - soy, duck sauce, ranch dressing, etc.
Enjoy!
This meal is what inspired my really crazy/weird/creepy dream last night.
The only part I can remember is that I was Jim Carrey, and was filming a movie in a jungle with Will Farrell and an actress, but I forget her name. We were wading through water trying to run from someone but we realized the area we were in was fenced, so we slipped around and around in a square while trying to avoid the dozens of boa constrictors floating in the water and slithering around the trees.
Then I woke up [still in my dream] and told Stu about it and thought it was a sign that something was going to go wrong with my friend's sister's baby, which was being born that night.
Then I woke up for real to find out that my friend's sister's baby is alright, after 48 hours of labor which ended in a C-section. :/
Anyway...I shall be eating more of this pseudo lo mein tonight to see if something else happens.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Book Binging, Irony, and Life
Sometimes I wish my life was not so ironic/tragic.
Stu and I have found a house we absolutely love. It's a one story, brick/brown siding house, 3 bedroom, with french doors leading out to a deck with a spectacular view of the backyard, surrounded by trees on three sides so that nothing else is visible but nature.
We went to look at it closely yesterday and fell even more in love...but just as we were about to leave, the realtor pulled up with a young couple and proceeded to show them the house as we walked away. Typical.
Life is full of irony, and if I didn't laugh at it, I'd cry. I'm not saying the house will be bought or that we won't end up in a better house, I'm just saying...it's just what happens to the Cones. On a regular basis.
Not really...although Stu can sometimes be overwhelmed with the negative, it spurs me to emulate Pollyanna even more. There are good things in our lives, and bad, a mix like everyone else's. It's hard for Stu to see people he was in school with do extremely well with apparently so little effort, although I assure him over and over that everyone has their own path and ours is probably just a little longer.
It's not that we want money, or fame, or success, necessarily. I for one could do without heaps of money. I'm much happier without it. I think what Stu and I both want is a chance to thrive. We both know we have talent [although both of us are rather self deprecating at times] and that we could get somewhere with a little luck/help/push from God/etc.
I just try to remind myself that we can't see the whole story yet, and that I'm sure there are good parts to it. And, after all, there IS a happy ending!
In an escape attempt, I checked out several books from the library yesterday and have been gorging on them. So far, I have read:
The Lump of Coal - Lemony Snicket
The Composer is Dead! - Lemony Snicket
Poirot Loses A Client - Agatha Christie
The Unfinished Angel - Sharon Creech
I've started reading The Shadows [a graphic novel] & Goody Hall [by Natalie Babbitt]
All of this is pleasure reading...I enjoy everything by Lemony Snicket, Sharon Creech, and Agatha Christie, and I've got about 5 more books to delve into...
In an attempt to escape the boredom of my seemingly somewhat monotonous existence [read: when Stu is at work and can't entertain me], I turn to books to escape into fascinating places and to meet people I come to think of as dear old friends...much like my T.V. watching habits.
Sometimes I feel that something is quite wrong with me. Why do I prefer spending time with people on television and in books than with most people? I think perhaps...because it's less messy, and there is no chance of being pushed away. If I want to sit down and watch Willow and Spike, I can. They don't care. If I want to spend time with Charlotte Doyle or Willet Goody or Despereaux, I can, and they won't turn me away.
Being with imagined people is safer than opening myself up to those who could potentially hurt me and so I sit, drinking in the stories of others in an attempt to console myself.
Why, then, do I keep trying to befriend people? No matter if they've rejected my friendly overtures because of lack of time or interest, I keep working...because I want to be accepted.
And that is beyond what the characters on T.V. or in books are capable of.
Acceptance. Honesty. Hope. Truth. Love. These are the things I keep searching for.
Stu and I have found a house we absolutely love. It's a one story, brick/brown siding house, 3 bedroom, with french doors leading out to a deck with a spectacular view of the backyard, surrounded by trees on three sides so that nothing else is visible but nature.
We went to look at it closely yesterday and fell even more in love...but just as we were about to leave, the realtor pulled up with a young couple and proceeded to show them the house as we walked away. Typical.
Life is full of irony, and if I didn't laugh at it, I'd cry. I'm not saying the house will be bought or that we won't end up in a better house, I'm just saying...it's just what happens to the Cones. On a regular basis.
Not really...although Stu can sometimes be overwhelmed with the negative, it spurs me to emulate Pollyanna even more. There are good things in our lives, and bad, a mix like everyone else's. It's hard for Stu to see people he was in school with do extremely well with apparently so little effort, although I assure him over and over that everyone has their own path and ours is probably just a little longer.
It's not that we want money, or fame, or success, necessarily. I for one could do without heaps of money. I'm much happier without it. I think what Stu and I both want is a chance to thrive. We both know we have talent [although both of us are rather self deprecating at times] and that we could get somewhere with a little luck/help/push from God/etc.
I just try to remind myself that we can't see the whole story yet, and that I'm sure there are good parts to it. And, after all, there IS a happy ending!
In an escape attempt, I checked out several books from the library yesterday and have been gorging on them. So far, I have read:
The Lump of Coal - Lemony Snicket
The Composer is Dead! - Lemony Snicket
Poirot Loses A Client - Agatha Christie
The Unfinished Angel - Sharon Creech
I've started reading The Shadows [a graphic novel] & Goody Hall [by Natalie Babbitt]
All of this is pleasure reading...I enjoy everything by Lemony Snicket, Sharon Creech, and Agatha Christie, and I've got about 5 more books to delve into...
In an attempt to escape the boredom of my seemingly somewhat monotonous existence [read: when Stu is at work and can't entertain me], I turn to books to escape into fascinating places and to meet people I come to think of as dear old friends...much like my T.V. watching habits.
Sometimes I feel that something is quite wrong with me. Why do I prefer spending time with people on television and in books than with most people? I think perhaps...because it's less messy, and there is no chance of being pushed away. If I want to sit down and watch Willow and Spike, I can. They don't care. If I want to spend time with Charlotte Doyle or Willet Goody or Despereaux, I can, and they won't turn me away.
Being with imagined people is safer than opening myself up to those who could potentially hurt me and so I sit, drinking in the stories of others in an attempt to console myself.
Why, then, do I keep trying to befriend people? No matter if they've rejected my friendly overtures because of lack of time or interest, I keep working...because I want to be accepted.
And that is beyond what the characters on T.V. or in books are capable of.
Acceptance. Honesty. Hope. Truth. Love. These are the things I keep searching for.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Vanilla Twilight
I've been listening to Owl City for about a week now and I have to say, I love it. Hello, Seattle and Vanilla Twilight especially. Even if you roll your eyes and think it's all a passing fad [which it might very well be], you should give Vanilla Twilight a listen. It's sweet.
I've been trying to write poetry for weeks. Nothing's working. I stare at the blank screen, or scribble on my note pad, and there's just nothing in there, even though I have songs that are inspiring feelings that I want to communicate. Vanilla Twilight is the perfect song to write poetry to and I cannot come up with ANYTHING. It's aggravating.
I've been trying to work on other things too, and I'm very unfocused at this point. I'm just waiting around until I get feedback for Violet's Monster: Volume I so I can do my own edits and start pumping out drafts. Sigh. I feel like I'm floating in the midst of a large expanse of water with nothing to do but sit and stare at my toes. There's a creativity blockage somewhere in my brain and I'm not exactly sure what to do about it. Perhaps Violet and Max are holding everything else at gunpoint until I finish their story...
I should probably sit down and make some goals for today. For this weekend. For next week. So I don't go stir crazy. Maybe if I met one small goal a day it would keep me focused. And then I would have a poem, a song, a drawing, or the beginnings of a story to put in my sundry portfolios.
Also, I've been reading through the last few books of A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket again and realized just how much of a genius he is. I'm learning words like xenial [giving gifts to strangers] and his writing style is just brilliant...The Slippery Slope [book 10] has one of my favorite moments of the whole series in it. And the overall message of the books is just...wonderful. If you read the first few and didn't really get into it, I suggest skipping ahead and plowing through the last three books. They're really amazing.
We picked up Treasure Planet for $6 at Manifest the other night because I've never seen it and wanted a new animated movie to watch [I ADORE animation]. I've watched part of it now and LOVE it. Wow! It was a failure in the box office, but it won an Academy Award [it came out in 2002]...and it's a super adaptation of Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson. How can you NOT love a feline captain voiced by Emma Thompson? It's witty, sad, and breathtaking. I'm excited about finishing it.
Also, we got to see Leverage last night!!! It's back on T.V. for the last few episodes of season 2 and then it has a season 3...I'm really hoping this isn't one of those great shows that gets canceled after 3 seasons...*cough cough*
Stu and I were talking the other day [not too seriously, I hope] about getting a little pot-bellied pig as a friend for Parker. Of course, I told him I had to name it something ridiculous...like Hamlet. Except I think I would just start laughing every time I said its name so it wouldn't actually KNOW its name, it would just feel sad that I was laughing at it. :P It also made me laugh that getting a pig was Stu's suggestion. He always surprises me. Like when he wanted to get a hamster and name it Bruce Wayne.
I am so tired...I always talk too much when I'm tired. I think I got maybe 4 hours of sleep last night. Maybe it's time to try that melatonin. :P
I've been trying to write poetry for weeks. Nothing's working. I stare at the blank screen, or scribble on my note pad, and there's just nothing in there, even though I have songs that are inspiring feelings that I want to communicate. Vanilla Twilight is the perfect song to write poetry to and I cannot come up with ANYTHING. It's aggravating.
I've been trying to work on other things too, and I'm very unfocused at this point. I'm just waiting around until I get feedback for Violet's Monster: Volume I so I can do my own edits and start pumping out drafts. Sigh. I feel like I'm floating in the midst of a large expanse of water with nothing to do but sit and stare at my toes. There's a creativity blockage somewhere in my brain and I'm not exactly sure what to do about it. Perhaps Violet and Max are holding everything else at gunpoint until I finish their story...
I should probably sit down and make some goals for today. For this weekend. For next week. So I don't go stir crazy. Maybe if I met one small goal a day it would keep me focused. And then I would have a poem, a song, a drawing, or the beginnings of a story to put in my sundry portfolios.
Also, I've been reading through the last few books of A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket again and realized just how much of a genius he is. I'm learning words like xenial [giving gifts to strangers] and his writing style is just brilliant...The Slippery Slope [book 10] has one of my favorite moments of the whole series in it. And the overall message of the books is just...wonderful. If you read the first few and didn't really get into it, I suggest skipping ahead and plowing through the last three books. They're really amazing.
We picked up Treasure Planet for $6 at Manifest the other night because I've never seen it and wanted a new animated movie to watch [I ADORE animation]. I've watched part of it now and LOVE it. Wow! It was a failure in the box office, but it won an Academy Award [it came out in 2002]...and it's a super adaptation of Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson. How can you NOT love a feline captain voiced by Emma Thompson? It's witty, sad, and breathtaking. I'm excited about finishing it.
Also, we got to see Leverage last night!!! It's back on T.V. for the last few episodes of season 2 and then it has a season 3...I'm really hoping this isn't one of those great shows that gets canceled after 3 seasons...*cough cough*
Stu and I were talking the other day [not too seriously, I hope] about getting a little pot-bellied pig as a friend for Parker. Of course, I told him I had to name it something ridiculous...like Hamlet. Except I think I would just start laughing every time I said its name so it wouldn't actually KNOW its name, it would just feel sad that I was laughing at it. :P It also made me laugh that getting a pig was Stu's suggestion. He always surprises me. Like when he wanted to get a hamster and name it Bruce Wayne.
I am so tired...I always talk too much when I'm tired. I think I got maybe 4 hours of sleep last night. Maybe it's time to try that melatonin. :P
Saturday, January 16, 2010
A Little More To The Point
Does the feeling that I don't know who I am and that no one understands just come with being in the early 20's? Is that all it is? Something you leave behind once you turn 25? Or is this feeling I have a product of losing someone at a young age, of having to be someone else for my parents instead of who I really was, and being unsure around others? Is it both? Does everybody feel this way at 22 because of our own personal ghosts?
Sometimes, it's frustrating that apparently everybody goes through this stage. I'm not sure if it's because I honestly want to struggle with this alone or that I think other people can't relate to my situation and it bugs me when they try. I don't know.
I do know that I feel alone, even when I'm surrounded by people I once called friends. I know that I'm easily angered and often catty when I have to be around certain individuals for any length of time. I know I have very violent thoughts I never act on. I know I sometimes want to just disappear and start all over again.
I want somebody to talk to. I want someone to understand what I'm trying to say, even when I can't say it. I want someone who will help me process.
It's probably time I went back to counseling.
Except I don't know what to say. I have no idea who I am or why I'm here. I have no long-term goals; I'm content to check out library books every two weeks, fill my time with house cleaning, work, and watching t.v., and I'm happy to be without friends.
Most of the time.
I don't feel as abnormal as Dexter; I don't think I'm of unsound mind...completely.
It's just that...I miss out on a lot of social cues. I don't look people in the eye when I talk. I want more out of friendship than movie nights and the occasional small talk. I like wearing 3 piece suits. A lot.
Does the fact that I recognize these things about myself mean I'm not completely an outcast? I can recognize these things and change them to be more "normal"?
I just don't know who I am. So many people have wanted me to be so many different things that I don't know what the real pieces are. I try to fit in so that people will like me and so I will be accepted, because all I've ever really wanted was to be in a family that accepted me like I was, and the ability to do what I wanted. Even if it was to just curl up on the window seat and read for an afternoon.
I've never found that and as the years go by it looks less likely that there is something like that possible this side of heaven.
I'm a lot more like other people than I think...I think. But not being able to share my thoughts with someone makes it difficult to see that.
I don't know where to go from here.
I feel lost. Alone. But I know I'm not unloved.
At this point, that's the only thing that keeps me going.
It's enough.
Sometimes, it's frustrating that apparently everybody goes through this stage. I'm not sure if it's because I honestly want to struggle with this alone or that I think other people can't relate to my situation and it bugs me when they try. I don't know.
I do know that I feel alone, even when I'm surrounded by people I once called friends. I know that I'm easily angered and often catty when I have to be around certain individuals for any length of time. I know I have very violent thoughts I never act on. I know I sometimes want to just disappear and start all over again.
I want somebody to talk to. I want someone to understand what I'm trying to say, even when I can't say it. I want someone who will help me process.
It's probably time I went back to counseling.
Except I don't know what to say. I have no idea who I am or why I'm here. I have no long-term goals; I'm content to check out library books every two weeks, fill my time with house cleaning, work, and watching t.v., and I'm happy to be without friends.
Most of the time.
I don't feel as abnormal as Dexter; I don't think I'm of unsound mind...completely.
It's just that...I miss out on a lot of social cues. I don't look people in the eye when I talk. I want more out of friendship than movie nights and the occasional small talk. I like wearing 3 piece suits. A lot.
Does the fact that I recognize these things about myself mean I'm not completely an outcast? I can recognize these things and change them to be more "normal"?
I just don't know who I am. So many people have wanted me to be so many different things that I don't know what the real pieces are. I try to fit in so that people will like me and so I will be accepted, because all I've ever really wanted was to be in a family that accepted me like I was, and the ability to do what I wanted. Even if it was to just curl up on the window seat and read for an afternoon.
I've never found that and as the years go by it looks less likely that there is something like that possible this side of heaven.
I'm a lot more like other people than I think...I think. But not being able to share my thoughts with someone makes it difficult to see that.
I don't know where to go from here.
I feel lost. Alone. But I know I'm not unloved.
At this point, that's the only thing that keeps me going.
It's enough.
A Messy Jumble of Thoughts
1. Owl City's "Hello Seattle" makes me want to go on a road trip.
2. One of my new dreams is to perform as Draco Malfoy in A Very Potter Musical.
3. Watching Dexter on tvduck.com is frustrating.
4. I think it's weird that while I adore books, I hate book stores. Maybe it's because nothing measures up to McKay's used Books/CDs/DVDs and everything is so pricey here.
5. I don't know what to write next, but I know I want to write.
6. I feel closer to characters in my favorite television shows than to some people I've been trying to befriend for years.
7. My secrets journal is one of, if not the best, things I've ever done for myself.
8. If my husband ends up getting an electric guitar, I'm totally getting a bass - mostly so I can dress in my emo rocker outfit and pretend I'm a character from a t.v. show I'm working on.
9. I think I can design a sweater and knit/sew it together without having to learn any new stitches. I have yet to decide if this is pure genius or complete laziness.
10. I painted my fingernails to see which hand was more dominant - although I write with my right hand, my left hand nail polish is much more chipped. What does this mean?!?!
11. I want to be in a play again. I miss dance and drama.
12. Sometimes I just want to punch people in the face. I have yet to act on this urge...but I'm afraid one day it will catch up with me.
13. This is my favorite quote right now: "I like old things...they make me feel sad." "And...what's good about sad?" "Sad is happy for deep people." [Blink, by Stephen Moffat...part of the Whoverse. It's a must watch.]
14. I've always had to pretend to be someone I wasn't, and now that I'm older, I don't know who I am.
15. I'm tired.
2. One of my new dreams is to perform as Draco Malfoy in A Very Potter Musical.
3. Watching Dexter on tvduck.com is frustrating.
4. I think it's weird that while I adore books, I hate book stores. Maybe it's because nothing measures up to McKay's used Books/CDs/DVDs and everything is so pricey here.
5. I don't know what to write next, but I know I want to write.
6. I feel closer to characters in my favorite television shows than to some people I've been trying to befriend for years.
7. My secrets journal is one of, if not the best, things I've ever done for myself.
8. If my husband ends up getting an electric guitar, I'm totally getting a bass - mostly so I can dress in my emo rocker outfit and pretend I'm a character from a t.v. show I'm working on.
9. I think I can design a sweater and knit/sew it together without having to learn any new stitches. I have yet to decide if this is pure genius or complete laziness.
10. I painted my fingernails to see which hand was more dominant - although I write with my right hand, my left hand nail polish is much more chipped. What does this mean?!?!
11. I want to be in a play again. I miss dance and drama.
12. Sometimes I just want to punch people in the face. I have yet to act on this urge...but I'm afraid one day it will catch up with me.
13. This is my favorite quote right now: "I like old things...they make me feel sad." "And...what's good about sad?" "Sad is happy for deep people." [Blink, by Stephen Moffat...part of the Whoverse. It's a must watch.]
14. I've always had to pretend to be someone I wasn't, and now that I'm older, I don't know who I am.
15. I'm tired.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Discoveries
Every once in a while I'll come upon something that's new to me but old news on teh interwebz...a few new-to-me things I've been loving as of late:
1. Dexter - there will be a blog on Dexter one of these days. Even though this show has more adult content/language/violence than the regular t.v. show on account of its being on Showtime, it's...bloody brilliant [pun DEFINITELY intended]. It's absolutely incredible and I finished seasons 1&2 on instant play courtesy of Netflix. Now how the heck am I going to watch Season 3?! Netflix Queue, here I come...
2. A Very Potter Musical - I. LOVE. THIS. Draco Malfoy is AMAZING. Also, Snape. and Ron. And Harry, who looks MUCH more like Harry in the books than Daniel Radcliffe. If you are a PotterFan, then I suggest you hightail it to YouTube and watch this amazing musical parody - the whole show's there! I have a new goal for myself: Memorize Draco's part! Along with Draco's songs! If you watch it, you'll see why.
3. Agatha Christie mysteries - Ok, ok, I know, I used to love them - I just re-discovered them and now I know what batch of books I'm getting next time at the library...
That's it for now. :P
1. Dexter - there will be a blog on Dexter one of these days. Even though this show has more adult content/language/violence than the regular t.v. show on account of its being on Showtime, it's...bloody brilliant [pun DEFINITELY intended]. It's absolutely incredible and I finished seasons 1&2 on instant play courtesy of Netflix. Now how the heck am I going to watch Season 3?! Netflix Queue, here I come...
2. A Very Potter Musical - I. LOVE. THIS. Draco Malfoy is AMAZING. Also, Snape. and Ron. And Harry, who looks MUCH more like Harry in the books than Daniel Radcliffe. If you are a PotterFan, then I suggest you hightail it to YouTube and watch this amazing musical parody - the whole show's there! I have a new goal for myself: Memorize Draco's part! Along with Draco's songs! If you watch it, you'll see why.
3. Agatha Christie mysteries - Ok, ok, I know, I used to love them - I just re-discovered them and now I know what batch of books I'm getting next time at the library...
That's it for now. :P
Monday, January 11, 2010
Different
I haven't written in a while. Mostly because I felt like I had nothing to say and also because I've been feeling the disconnect again. I don't think working all the time and being sick has helped.
Anyway...
I'm exhausted. Not just physically. Relationally, emotionally, spiritually. It almost feels like all those things are on the brink of dying. At the same time, I feel like things are shifting, changing for the better. Maybe I'm putting some old ghosts to rest.
I'm not the same person I was a year ago, or four or five years ago. This feels like the old Kaitlin re-emerging, the one that hid beneath the "I'm in college so I'm going to reinvent myself" version of who I was. It's interesting to see what's resurfacing.
I'm reading a lot more now. I'm still discovering new things I like, but my old favorites are becoming more recognized. I will never feel as safe and comfortable and at the same time so wildly excited and in suspense as when I'm curled up with a good book. No movies or t.v. shows or plays can live up to turning one page at a time, living in another world for one, two, or three hours at a time, returning to real life with a sense of having experienced life on another planet, in another place or another time.
I still don't know who I am. But I know that some things about me will never change.
I don't know who I want to be. Right now, I'm content to kick back and relax with a big pile of books, my husband and puppy, and some seasons of really great t.v.
I'm learning that it doesn't matter if I try to be friends with everyone - not everyone wants to be friends with me. I'm going to try spending time with those who actually reciprocate my interest. It does hurt a little. It still stings. But I see those who want to spend time with me and I am full of...wonder. There are actually people who desire to be a part of my life?
Realizations are slow coming to me. Always have been, always will be. But once I get there and sink into the depths of what I haven't seen but what has always been there, I know that I need to soak it all in and remember. Remember the realizations because truth is precious and doesn't often appear. You have to sift through a lot to find just one kernel. So I store up my realizations in my mind or in my secrets journal and treasure them.
I don't feel different. I just know there's a difference beneath it all.
Anyway...
I'm exhausted. Not just physically. Relationally, emotionally, spiritually. It almost feels like all those things are on the brink of dying. At the same time, I feel like things are shifting, changing for the better. Maybe I'm putting some old ghosts to rest.
I'm not the same person I was a year ago, or four or five years ago. This feels like the old Kaitlin re-emerging, the one that hid beneath the "I'm in college so I'm going to reinvent myself" version of who I was. It's interesting to see what's resurfacing.
I'm reading a lot more now. I'm still discovering new things I like, but my old favorites are becoming more recognized. I will never feel as safe and comfortable and at the same time so wildly excited and in suspense as when I'm curled up with a good book. No movies or t.v. shows or plays can live up to turning one page at a time, living in another world for one, two, or three hours at a time, returning to real life with a sense of having experienced life on another planet, in another place or another time.
I still don't know who I am. But I know that some things about me will never change.
I don't know who I want to be. Right now, I'm content to kick back and relax with a big pile of books, my husband and puppy, and some seasons of really great t.v.
I'm learning that it doesn't matter if I try to be friends with everyone - not everyone wants to be friends with me. I'm going to try spending time with those who actually reciprocate my interest. It does hurt a little. It still stings. But I see those who want to spend time with me and I am full of...wonder. There are actually people who desire to be a part of my life?
Realizations are slow coming to me. Always have been, always will be. But once I get there and sink into the depths of what I haven't seen but what has always been there, I know that I need to soak it all in and remember. Remember the realizations because truth is precious and doesn't often appear. You have to sift through a lot to find just one kernel. So I store up my realizations in my mind or in my secrets journal and treasure them.
I don't feel different. I just know there's a difference beneath it all.
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