Different

I haven't written in a while. Mostly because I felt like I had nothing to say and also because I've been feeling the disconnect again. I don't think working all the time and being sick has helped.

Anyway...

I'm exhausted. Not just physically. Relationally, emotionally, spiritually. It almost feels like all those things are on the brink of dying. At the same time, I feel like things are shifting, changing for the better. Maybe I'm putting some old ghosts to rest.

I'm not the same person I was a year ago, or four or five years ago. This feels like the old Kaitlin re-emerging, the one that hid beneath the "I'm in college so I'm going to reinvent myself" version of who I was. It's interesting to see what's resurfacing.

I'm reading a lot more now. I'm still discovering new things I like, but my old favorites are becoming more recognized. I will never feel as safe and comfortable and at the same time so wildly excited and in suspense as when I'm curled up with a good book. No movies or t.v. shows or plays can live up to turning one page at a time, living in another world for one, two, or three hours at a time, returning to real life with a sense of having experienced life on another planet, in another place or another time.

I still don't know who I am. But I know that some things about me will never change.

I don't know who I want to be. Right now, I'm content to kick back and relax with a big pile of books, my husband and puppy, and some seasons of really great t.v.

I'm learning that it doesn't matter if I try to be friends with everyone - not everyone wants to be friends with me. I'm going to try spending time with those who actually reciprocate my interest. It does hurt a little. It still stings. But I see those who want to spend time with me and I am full of...wonder. There are actually people who desire to be a part of my life?

Realizations are slow coming to me. Always have been, always will be. But once I get there and sink into the depths of what I haven't seen but what has always been there, I know that I need to soak it all in and remember. Remember the realizations because truth is precious and doesn't often appear. You have to sift through a lot to find just one kernel. So I store up my realizations in my mind or in my secrets journal and treasure them.

I don't feel different. I just know there's a difference beneath it all.