Sharing Harry Potter

Well, I'm doing it. I'm talking to each individual family member about Harry Potter.

It all started with my dad. I was thinking that since we'd be together part of the summer, we should read something aloud like we used to do. Well, Harry is perfect for that. So, talked to my dad and really poured my heart out about why I love the series and how exciting it is that Rowling's a practicing Christian (as far as anyone can know that kind of thing) and how my writing is inspired by her.

Well I haven't heard anything for weeks (and my family has a track record of ignoring things they don't want to talk about) so when I wrote my sister today (about something else) she wrote back to say that dad said he hadn't written me because no one's left him alone long enough to e-mail me.

...???? He stays up later than any of them, usually. I just can't quite believe that.

So, I said, "...I thought he was ignoring me because I brought up Harry Potter, because when our family doesn't like something we tend to ignore it." And then I poured my heart out about Harry again and asked if we two could read it together while she was here for a week in July.

I guess something in me has snapped. I'm over them ignoring things that I like and while I don't want to force things on them, this series is a part of my learning experience, healing, and creative inspiration, so...I just want to talk through it so I don't constantly feel like part of me is being ignored.

That being said, this must be what a Christian feels like when they're trying to share with their family. Or friends. And I wish I could talk through my Christianity with unbelievers like I talk through Harry Potter with my family. Maybe I should pray for more opportunities.

Deep Conversation

Last night I had the opportunity to talk honestly with someone about life. Both of us are in the inbetween stage of life, looking forward to the future and wondering what life has in store.

It was a really good, if somewhat scary conversation about everything. We talked about struggles and how we felt or thought about issues and I felt, for the first time in a long time, like I was connecting with someone on a deeper level than we usually have time for.

I treasure all my friends, and I can't help but wish we could all do this on a regular basis. However, I know that we can't jump to a deep relationship and that it must take years of trust-building and experiencing life together. And, I know that we can't just have serious conversations. There is a time and place for light-hearted conversation.

I just really appreciate when we can delve deeper into the mysteries of what it means to be human.

That being said...today was nice. I was in my pajamas until 7 and I did light housework (dishes and laundry), practiced harp, watched some TV and read some good books. Stu was asleep half the day so I had the living room to myself until after lunch. Now I'm going to work on my Bamboo tablet and see if I can figure out what to do about further schooling, a career, my passion(s?) and what that even looks like for a twenty-four year old Anglican in Columbia, SC.

Music of the Day & Continuation of Acting

Beauty & the Beast soundtrack (NOT the musical...agh. I adore the Disney score)

Now I need to find two monologues from contemporary plays...and a song that shows my range. I've got the two Shakespeare monologues memorized and I'm working out how they sound, with all the emotions and the audition outfit I'll wear, etc...so that's nice. Still reading up on acting, although I've been on a memoir kick of late...

I just finished Unbearable Lightness: A story of loss and gain (Portia de Rossi), and I've requested the memoirs of Tina Fey, Carol Burnett, Kristin Chenoweth (Christian?!), Steve Martin, Anne Rice, and a book on SNL...but I'm still reading through some acting books (Acting: The First Six Lessons) and figuring out if it's something I really want to do.

I struggle with this question daily. Do I really want to be an actress? I still say, YES. But it's the HOW that I'm concerned about. Will I really ever be cast in anything? CAN I be an actress? That's more the question now. Do I have what it takes? And what if I don't? What if I am not built for the stage, like I think I am? What then? What if I can't do television or movies or theatre? (And don't get me wrong - I don't have grand aspirations...I know I don't have the looks of a leading lady, but I wouldn't mind playing a minor character...it's the whole story that counts!)...what will I do with my life THEN? Because if I'm not cut out for the stage, then I am probably not a musician or a dancer either. So that leaves me with writing and art, both of which are usually solitary.

And while I may be a writer/artist at heart...I'm still a creature who loves community.

So...I have to figure that out.

Music of the Day

Land Before Time soundtrack by James Horner

Le Festin by Camille (from the Ratatouille soundtrack)

Beautiful music makes life better. :)

Dr. Kallgren, Dream, Cameron Dokey, and Chicken Recipes

I went to Dr. Kallgren's funeral last night. It was the most uplifting funeral I've been to - his Church's choir sang, and his friends remembered him. It was a great way to honor a man that has done so much for this school, his church, and Columbia, along with Christian schools nation-wide (He volunteered for ABHE). He was truly an incredible man and I'm so glad he's finally home.

Last night was dreadful, sleep-wise...Stu was up and sick so that meant I was up (I'm too much of a light sleeper) and inbetween bouts of kicking the covers off and turning over to see Stu playing on his phone, I dreamed. Last night's dream that I can remember was that Adrianna (my sister) and I were in a bathroom getting ready. We were putting our makeup on when my mom brought us breakfast. I was really excited, as I was pretty hungry. When I looked at the breakfast though, I saw that it was just one gravy and biscuit. I told my sister she could have it, but she said she'd save me some. She didn't.

I'm not really sure what that means (I'm hungry?!), but it dredges up all the old feelings I had when my mom told me I needed to exercise, or diet, or not eat second helpings or snacks.

Anyway, trying to shake that off. I ate fruit salad for breakfast (kiwi was 88 cents for 2 at Bi-Lo!!) and Cuban Chicken for lunch (recipe below Cameron). Tonight is homemade Chicken Noodle Soup...mmmm!

Finished reading the two newest Cameron Dokey books...I just adore all of her re-tellings of fairytales, although I don't know if I like her version of Belle more than Robin McKinley's...I think I like them both the same...they do have some similarities. And now to wait on her next books! The World Above is her newest, but it isn't available in the library yet.

And also, I remembered a recipe that my dad's relative made for us once and cooked it for dinner last week. I forgot how AWESOME this dish tasted!!! Serve it with garlic bread, and a steamed vegetable (I used broccoli).

Cuban Chicken (I don't know how Cuban it *REALLY* is)

1-2 lbs. chicken
1 large envelope of yellow rice
1 small envelope of yellow rice
1/2 onion, chopped
1 jar of sliced green olives
1-2 cans of black beans

Cook/sautee/grill chicken while the rice is cooking. Mix the black beans, olives, and onions together in the serving bowl. When the chicken is ready, put it in the bowl and then top with rice. Stir. Serve!

Kansas...?

So, I think I've figured out a good way to compromise about the vacation to Kansas. Stu and I will go for a weekend (tickets, round-trip, are $330 total. So it's $330 for both of us to spend a weekend in Kansas! How cool is that?!). We'll get there Saturday morning and leave Monday night. That way, Stu gets to meet that side of the family, I get to see Uncle Leon, and we don't have to ask for crazy amounts of time off at Stu's new job (provided he gets one). I will also not have to ask for ANY vacation days since I don't work Mondays.

This is the best plan all-around. I'm sort of waiting for it to fall apart or blow up in my face, but honestly, this is the best compromise and I'm hoping it works out.

Please pray that it does.

Grooveshark, Dreams, Friends, and Life

1. Grooveshark is AWESOME. I now have Angels and Airwaves, All-American Rejects, all the Harry Potter soundtracks (!!!) and Disney my little heart can desire...hundreds of great songs to listen to while I'm trying to write/paint/clean!!

2. Had a weird dream last night and am still puzzling it out. I think I know why I dreamed it but it was just a weird dream. I was at a Goodwill shopping when I ran into an old roommate and all her friends. They pretty much just ignored me but I heard that my old roommate was graduating. So, even though they obviously didn't want me there (at the store, their house, or the school), I went to see her graduate. Each graduate was dressed in sort of sloppy clothes (it wasn't an 'official' graduation, I guess), it was in Hoke, and my roommate was going to sing. It was reminiscent of "Part of Your World" and it was beautiful.

3. I was at the after-party of the graduation and discussing a nanny with someone. The nanny was a) a guy from Denmark and b) a drag queen. We were discussing pros and cons of this.

So that's my dream.

3. Friends and friendships are complicated.

4. Life continues to be stressful, wonderful, agonizing, hurtful, and awesome in turns. My dad still hasn't written me back and all my mom wants to talk about is the Kansas trip. My favorite uncle asked if I was going and...I couldn't tell him why I don't want to go. I can't talk to any of my family about what happened because a) I don't want family drama and b) I seriously think no one would believe me OR they would say I was just playing it up.

Friends, on the other hand, have been incredibly encouraging, uplifting, wise, and lovely. Much older people have given me their wisdom and others have offered prayers, help, and love and it's been amazing to experience it.

My damaged relationships with friends are still damaged. People I thought I would be great friends with forever have completely stepped out of my life. It hurts me deeply but there's nothing I can think of that I did, so for now the ball is in their court. I've done enough moping and crying and attempting to reconcile without being told what happened.

I've realized recently that I don't trust a lot of people. I think most of it stems from not trusting my parents, and losing someone close to me. I either expect people to move away or distance themselves at some point, or I just can't have a deep relationship with people because I don't fully disclose what I'm thinking/feeling.

I don't like surface relationships but that's what I'm relegated to when I don't trust people. And I'll just have to deal with that voice in the back of my head that tells me someone's going to leave eventually.

So that's life right now. I'm (slowly) pursuing voice, music, art, dance, acting, painting, and writing, and my hobbies are taking a backseat for now, as all they were doing was providing distractions.

I can't wait until we have a semi-regular schedule (last half of July, basically) and I can just go to work, workout, fix dinner, and read in the evenings. It seems blissful.

Unfortunately, it also seems far away.

Project

So I looked through lists of rock from the 70's-90's to compile a list of potential bands to listen to...I ended up with 44 bands(I gave them 3 songs apiece)and so far I've only found a few that resemble the sound I'd want to have as a band. (The few are, in case anyone is remotely interested, Aerosmith, Alice Cooper, & AC/DC)

This has been a fascinating experience...now I have some 'new' music to listen to (trying to find more Aerosmith, Alice Cooper and AC/DC songs, for one) and some reading about the bands and band members...wish there was a degree in Rock History...how cool would that be?!

Other bands/musicians I love but don't necessarily want to sound like:

Queen
Rush
Van Halen
Michael Jackson

I still have...23 bands to go. Whew!

Dreaming

Abbie and I went to the Who Shot Rock 'N Roll? Photography/Video Exhibition and of course I immediately started dreaming about a) photography and b) being in a band.

I don't know why the stage calls to me like it does (not regular theatre, but MUSICAL theatre or being part of a band), but it does and I'm not really sure what to do about it.

I would love to learn bass guitar but that's a couple hundred for a nice one and even then I'll need a) somewhere to practice and b) some people to practice with and c) the talent to actually write music (or someone else that I'm practicing with to write the music, or co-writing music),

which then throws me into "Well how am I displaying Christ in my songs? Do I have to mention Him or make every song about Him or make Him the theme, or...??????"

AHHHHHHH. I want to tell stories communally. At the deepest part of my heart, that's what I want. I love the thought of telling stories that point people toward Him, and I want to do that with others.

I'm just not sure how to do that yet.

In a rock band? In a TV show? A web-series? A series of books co-written with someone? Graphic novels? WHAT?!

So for now, I came up with a list of things I could do:

1. Take voice lessons (a friend offered, so it's possible)
2. Write a song (this will take lots more work)
3. Film a music video (Stu's agreed so if I write the song and write the music vid, he can film/direct)
4. Do a photography shoot (for an album cover/EP cover/whatever)

This is not to say I'm giving up acting for the chance to chase a wisp of a dream. I just want to include music in what I'm doing with my life and this will help with the acting, since then I will know piano, harp, bass guitar, and hopefully cello. And I'll know how to sing. All of which will look great on an acting resume.

So, there's going to be lots of dancing, singing, and playing music this summer for me.

In between job and trying to play weddings and figuring out family drama.

Oh dear.

What if I turn out to be a huge rock ('cause let's face it, I'm either rock or punk) star?!?!?! What will they say then...

;)

Songs of the Day

Back to December - Taylor Swift

Sometimes I just like a melancholy love song. I can't really relate to this (thankfully) but I loved T2 (and yes I'm totally a fangirl of both T. Swift and Taylor Lautner - just not a Twihard).

Alice's Theme - Danny Elfman

I ADORE this movie. And this song from the soundtrack.

Jack Sparrow featuring Michael Bolton - The Lonely Island (SNL Digital Short)

Watch the short if you like SNL-style humor, but be aware there is strong language in part of the song.

Go on, Ignore Me...

My dad and I have been exchanging e-mails that made me hopeful - I thought we'd progressed to a point where we could share our emotions and frustrations as well as our goals. I got really excited (which I have a bad habit of doing, apparently) and shared with him how I felt about the Harry Potter series, how it made me feel when my family hated those when actually the books are inspiration for my writing, and I felt like maybe he would listen. I asked if I could read them the first book this summer (and let him know that I would respect his decision if he said no).

He completely ignored that part of my e-mail (which was the longest, where I shared how the books had brought healing into my life through dealing with the grief I had over my baby brother's death, and how J.K. Rowling is to all appearances a Christian, and how I wanted my books to showcase my faith like the Potter books had shown hers, etc.) and has now ignored me for days.

He had shared personal things with me and I was so glad because he never talked about serious stuff. I expressed gratitude and happiness over him sharing his life with me and all he got out of it was he shouldn't bother me with his problems, that he should just pretend everything is ok and be the 'fun-loving guy' everybody wants him to be.

I cannot be like that anymore. I need to share what I'm feeling (in a calm way) and I do not want to live my life the way others think I should.

I just wanted to have that father-daughter relationship. We've never had that. It has always been me as the parent and him as the child or a friend-to-friend relationship.

It's no wonder that I have a hard time relating to a Heavenly Father who shares his deepest pain and joy with me through His Word and life.

...I really need to schedule my art therapy.

Character

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results...well, maybe I'm crazy. But I'm a writer, so it's socially acceptable. Right?

Nothing too serious in this post...just realized last night that I tend to write the same type of character, which led me to wonder if they were all me in various situations attempting to...what? What am I so hung up on in my past that I can't go forward?

I did have two really interesting ideas for stories that I wrote down, one of which I fleshed out today. One of them (the one I have spent the most time with, so far) is a pretty good indie movie plot (as in, it would definitely be indie), and the other is probably a novel (YA fiction)...

Some days, all I want is to be an actress, but then I get these ideas and I have to write them down.

Can't I just write my own movies/TV shows and be the star too???

(I'm lookin' at you, Tina Fey)

WHAT

I just wanted to say how proud I am of the little department I work in...we usually proctor 300-400 tests a semester, but this year...

We have 2 permanent part-time employees and tutors filling in so we have 2 people in the office at all times...we have 4-5 computers available at a time and two testing rooms...

and we are proctoring OVER 100 EXAMS THIS WEEK ALONE

which will tip us over the 500 scale for the semester!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are pretty awesome.

Everything Comes in Handy (at some point)

Breaking down Viola's musings has been fascinating, and somewhat easier than I anticipated. My English background serves me well here - I can find the flow of her ramblings and diagram and mark here and there where her feelings are, how she says something, and...it's loads of fun! Glad my English knowledge helps me out.

I know the next part is harder - memorization, although I've already memorized a few lines...

And the last part, of course, is the most difficult. Actually getting into character and BEING Viola while speaking these lines. I think when I audition, I'll have an outfit on that can be quickly masculine - add a tie and a hat, perhaps, so that I'll have props to play with.

I've also got the entire play on my Kindle for PC program (LOVE IT), so I'll be reading the entire thing as well...possibly a few times.

Viola's monologue

I love the two monologues I've chosen. I love both the characters and these speeches are great. I walked up to work this morning while reading Viola's monologue aloud. To get into character, I'm thinking of making an emotion graph...how is Viola feeling in this part of the story?

1. Shock at realizing Olivia likes her
2. Pained that the Duke likes Olivia
3. Sad about her brother (she thinks he died on the ship)

...all of the emotions combined will help me delve into her character more. Now if only I had a costume...

Classical Monologues: Chosen

It's difficult to find good modern dramatic monologues, but I've requested some books at the library so maybe I can choose something from them.

I did find two classical monologues (one dramatic, one comedic)...I decided to do both from Shakespeare, as I am not as well versed in the Greek plays (although I will probably do some research so I do know more about them). These, however, are not as common as doing Ophelia or Lady MacBeth, but they are two monologues that I really love and two characters adore. :)

The dramatic monologue is Joan from Henry VI:

JOAN LA PUCELLE
First, let me tell you whom you have condemn'd:
Not me begotten of a shepherd swain,
But issued from the progeny of kings;
Virtuous and holy; chosen from above,
By inspiration of celestial grace,
To work exceeding miracles on earth.
I never had to do with wicked spirits:
But you, that are polluted with your lusts,
Stain'd with the guiltless blood of innocents,
Corrupt and tainted with a thousand vices,
Because you want the grace that others have,
You judge it straight a thing impossible
To compass wonders but by help of devils.
No, misconceived! Joan of Arc hath been
A virgin from her tender infancy,
Chaste and immaculate in very thought;
Whose maiden blood, thus rigorously effused,
Will cry for vengeance at the gates of heaven.

----------------------------------------------

My comedic monologue is Viola from Twelfth Night, or What You Will:

I left no ring with her: what means this lady?
Fortune forbid my outside have not charm'd her!
She made good view of me; indeed, so much,
That sure methought her eyes had lost her tongue,
For she did speak in starts distractedly.
She loves me, sure; the cunning of her passion
Invites me in this churlish messenger.
None of my lord's ring! why, he sent her none.
I am the man: if it be so, as 'tis,
Poor lady, she were better love a dream.
Disguise, I see, thou art a wickedness,
Wherein the pregnant enemy does much.
How easy is it for the proper-false
In women's waxen hearts to set their forms!
Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we!
For such as we are made of, such we be.
How will this fadge? my master loves her dearly;
And I, poor monster, fond as much on him;
And she, mistaken, seems to dote on me.
What will become of this? As I am man,
My state is desperate for my master's love;
As I am woman,.now alas the day!.
What thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia breathe!
O time! thou must untangle this, not I;
It is too hard a knot for me to untie!


So, here we go...memorization with the goal of auditioning this fall, both at CIU (if they are holding auditions) and in Columbia (Town Theatre, Workshop Theatre).

...If that doesn't happen, I can at least read plays aloud with friends and act them out.

Acting Day 2

I've figured out some things in the last few weeks while trying desperately to figure out what I should do with my life...some of which are helpful and some not so much.

1. You can't *really* learn to act from a book. You should read up on techniques and read famous actors, but honestly, this is something you either have to just do or get an education for...and since I can't get an education right now, I need to do.

2. I am not a huge fan of acting onstage (I prefer the small screen), EXCEPT if it's musical theatre. Too bad I can't sing.

3. But I CAN sing...I think. I sang half of Wicked yesterday and while my throat is sore, I might have what it takes to be, if not a 'prima donna,' at least a main character...? Although now I need voice lessons...

4. If I could go back and do college at CIU over again, I'd do a Communications major with a VOICE MINOR. Too bad I didn't think I had a voice back then...:(

This is what I've learned so far.

I've also narrowed down my options. I will always work a part-time job, but these three options are the ones I'm going to pursue.

1. Acting - theatre, television, film, web. We'll see how much talent I actually have. To do this month: pick four monologues (2 tragedies, 2 comedies - classic and modern) and start memorizing.

2. Painting - I've painted two paintings this year and am in love with acrylics. I've got another three paintings in the works (as long as I have money to buy canvas/paint) and I think, given time, I have what it takes to be a painter.

3. Writer - this is obvious. I get story ideas all the time. Now it's time to figure out what medium is best for my stories. I love the idea of novels but it is easier for me to write graphic novels. I'm tweaking my graphic novel in hopes of securing an illustrator.

And I just noticed I didn't put music up here. It just isn't my passion. I love playing harp and I especially love playing music with others, but...I'm just not completely sold out for it. Now, that could change when I get an electric bass. Being in a band could be perfect...but I don't naturally write songs. So...for now, it's on hold. I do have music goals for the month, but most of them are in preparation for weddings in June.

Sometimes I feel bad that I don't do more with music, but it really drags me down to think of doing just music forever. It will always be a part of my life but I am not a professional musician type and never will be. I just enjoy it.

So, for now, I'm going to read some acting books and try to sift through some modern monologues to find what I want to memorize.

I feel better having narrowed it down...I know now which are my true hobbies (music, photography, knitting, designing) and I know which things I love the most...

...except I'll always want to be a ballerina. Physically, I can't - I'm too thick, my feet are flat and my ankles are turned (I'd have to have surgery to do toe and I just can't...), and so I guess that makes my decision easier...but I'll always regret not staying in dance.

SIGH.

Back to work.