Self-Portrait

These are my boots.  Granny gave them to me.  I wear them lots.

I love the light in this picture.

didn't hold the camera far enough away to get all my hair in,
but it was awesome and curly.

I like my lips in this picture,
and my eyes look like they were dabbed on with paints.

I like the way my cheeks curve in a smile here.
And my hair was really amazing.

Whenever I stare at the camera my eyes get really wide.
I'm not really scared.

I tinkered with this photo in Picasa
and I like how the colors turned out.

Part of the problem with self portraiture is that
 if you don't have the right tools (i.e., a remote),

the pictures almost always come out blurry.
Good thing I like blurry.  

I think this photo shows my fun side.

This is how I look at the world.
Part curiosity, and part hesitancy.

I am sorry

to indulge

in such obvious

self-flattery

but honestly

you have no idea

how difficult

it is

to find

a 

willing

model.

---

The other night I came home from play practice and Stu was in bed, asleep (which is a rare and celebrated occasion).  So, I decided to do something creative (inspired by this beautiful blog) and picked up Stu's camera.  I did a bunch of mask photos and then some random photos of myself.  Just 'cause.

I LOVE portraits.  I would take pictures every day if I could (and I probably should).  To be able to dress people up and capture a look, a feeling, a detail -- to preserve a moment in time -- It takes my breath away with the possibilities.

But the other night when I was taking pictures, I got to thinking about what the mask symbolizes for me, which got me thinking and processing through some personal stuff, which then turned to my script project.  Visual arts inspire me.  And whenever one sort of creativity can tie in or bolster another type of creativity -- it's a glorious circle of inspiration.

I realized, too, that I am a highly visual person.  But I don't create enough visual art to sustain my other work.  I need to be taking photographs, painting, creating collages...I need that push toward something less concrete.

Now if I could just find some willing models (I know, I know, there are a few lovely friends who've volunteered -- it's mostly the time I lack!) and the time to really play around with light, color and costume.

Wee Little Man

Then Jesus entered and walked through Jericho. There was a man there, his name Zacchaeus, the head tax man and quite rich. He wanted desperately to see Jesus, but the crowd was in his way—he was a short man and couldn't see over the crowd. So he ran on ahead and climbed up in a sycamore tree so he could see Jesus when he came by.

  When Jesus got to the tree, he looked up and said, "Zacchaeus, hurry down. Today is my day to be a guest in your home." Zacchaeus scrambled out of the tree, hardly believing his good luck, delighted to take Jesus home with him. Everyone who saw the incident was indignant and grumped, "What business does he have getting cozy with this crook?"

Zacchaeus just stood there, a little stunned. He stammered apologetically, "Master, I give away half my income to the poor—and if I'm caught cheating, I pay four times the damages."
 Jesus said, "Today is salvation day in this home! Here he is: Zacchaeus, son of Abraham! For the Son of Man came to find and restore the lost."

-- Luke 19:1-10

I've always wondered about Zacchaeus.  The psychology behind his personality intrigues me.  Did he become a tax collector so he could feel 'higher' than the general population?  Is that how he got back at people who had maybe made fun of him his whole life for his abnormal height?  Although he was looked down on (in more ways than one), he was quite rich.  Did that take the sting out of being short in stature and short on relationships?  And just how short was he?  Are we talking Danny DeVito or Peter Dinklage? 

It's also interesting to me that Zacchaeus was ecstatic to have Jesus in his home.  Was it because Jesus was popular?  Was it because he'd met Jesus before and thought him amazing?  Was it because they'd had previous interactions?  Why was Zacchaeus so delighted to take Jesus home with him for a meal?

And how hateful that crowd was -- even to Zacchaeus' face.  How much did that hurt Zacchaeus?  Was this the first time he'd heard someone's real opinion of him? 

And what was that dinner with Jesus like?

I sometimes think about writing (or re-writing) the background of Bible characters.  I want the answers to these questions and on this side of heaven, my imagination might just have to fill in the blanks.

Maybe Tomorrow

Well, I was going to write an artsy blog post

with spaces

in between words

like this

but the photos I was going to include

will not upload

I wanted to leave you with

something beautiful

tonight.

Let Your Light Shine

"No one lights a lamp, then hides it in a drawer. It's put on a lamp stand so those entering the room have light to see where they're going. Your eye is a lamp, lighting up your whole body. If you live wide-eyed in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. Keep your eyes open, your lamp burning, so you don't get musty and murky. Keep your life as well-lighted as your best-lighted room." 

Luke 11:33-36 (The Message)

Scripture For Today

“Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.” Romans 5:6-8 MSG

Stuff

Yesterday Stu and I worked a wedding -- he recorded, I played harp.  We had to carry my poor darling harp down the stairs (always harrowing) and then walk it from our van to the back lawn of the house we were working at -- a little bit of a hike but at least it was all flat.

Stu ended up losing 2 lbs and I lost 1.  I am now down to 150!

I was thinking my goal would be 135 and then build up muscle to 140, but looking at myself I think it would be better to get to 140 and then build back up to 145.

So, 10 more pounds to lose!  Woohoo!  I've lost 7 since January so I'm averaging 2 lbs. a month.  Which means by September I'll have reached 140, if all goes according to plan.

I've been walking/running a mile almost every day, eating more raw foods, watching my carbs/calories and sleeping well, but I need to be more active in general -- time to learn tennis, or play some baseball or take a photo walk or maybe even find a swimming pool.

I need to work on my screenplay but I've misplaced my thumbdrive so now I'm behind, although I've planned out what pages to write next so I don't think it will be hard to catch up.

I'm still reading like crazy -- lots of graphic novels, plus continuations of series I began reading earlier this year, and even some books on writing and therapy.  I am supremely happy to have a pile of books from the library in our living room.

Acting is going to be taking up more of my time -- we added a practice time and lengthened all of them.  I am hoping that once I get into costume it will be easier to get into character because right now I feel like I'm just scratching the surface -- I'm exploring the dynamics of my character's family (she's the second child, always following after her sister) and practicing the voice but I'd like to be a little further along by the end of the week.  It's a little surreal to realize we'll be performing this play at the end of the month.  !!!

I guess that's all for now.  Time for an awesome Easter Service (although last night with the Easter Vigil and the After Lent Party is my favorite thing on the church calendar)!

HAPPY EASTER!

Ruth

Reading through The Message has been very healing for me -- I'm finding more and more that the plainer language helps me to understand in a way I never thought possible.

For instance:  Reading Ruth is incredible.  It was always a good story -- but the Message makes it live.

Find it here: Ruth

The story of a loyal, brave, tough woman (who was also a foreigner) and how she ends up in the lineage of David.

I can't tell you how much this means to me right now.

^8-9 Then Boaz spoke to Ruth: "Listen, my daughter. From now on don't go to any other field to glean—stay right here in this one. And stay close to my young women. Watch where they are harvesting and follow them. And don't worry about a thing; I've given orders to my servants not to harass you. When you get thirsty, feel free to go and drink from the water buckets that the servants have filled."

 ¹⁰ She dropped to her knees, then bowed her face to the ground. "How does this happen that you should pick me out and treat me so kindly—me, a foreigner?"

 ^11-12 Boaz answered her, "I've heard all about you—heard about the way you treated your mother-in-law after the death of her husband, and how you left your father and mother and the land of your birth and have come to live among a bunch of total strangers. God reward you well for what you've done—and with a generous bonus besides from God, to whom you've come seeking protection under his wings." 

I've also been reading Samuel -- the heartbroken Hannah, her spiteful rival, and God, who treated Hannah tenderly and not only gave her Samuel, but five more children.  God's gentleness with women, even in the Old Testament (where some evil, wretched things are recorded without comment, which always seemed so harsh to me until I realized that it wasn't IN the Bible because it was good -- it's to show just how wretched humanity is without redemption. If you see God interacting with humans, especially females, there is a grace and tenderness there that is truly wonderful -- particularly with Ruth, Hannah, prostitutes, ailing women and his mother), is beautiful.

To see the Creator of the Universe so compassionate to a single, tiny individual -- it's miraculous.

Peace

Life is strange.  There are so many times where I think the world is falling all around me and then, in the midst of it, a strange peace descends and I feel...like Someone is working behind the scenes on something.

I'm loving being in Arsenic and Old Lace.  I've been practicing talking like an old lady, gesturing like an old lady, walking like an old lady...and I found some old lady shoes to wear.  I'm not quite where I want to be in terms of always having the voice down, but I'm excited that in a little under a month we will be performing in front of an audience!  I love practice because I get to step outside my head and into someone else's.  I get to make people laugh.  And I get to play.

I'm writing a script for ScriptFrenzy and this is the first time I've ever done a serious amount of work.  I surprised myself and hit a roadblock today but read some comics for a while and came back to it and eventually worked my way up to seven pages (which Stu thinks is impressive -- but I'm used to writing thousands of words for NaNoWriMo so I don't think it's that amazing).  I'm right on track to write 120 pages in April.  I plan to print it out, put it away for a week, and then do two solid weeks of research, editing, and talking with Stu about it.  And then I'm going to beg a few people to do a read-aloud with me and get their reactions.

I'm losing weight -- I was almost up to 160 pounds a few months ago (January?) and I've managed to work my way down to 151.  Ideally, I'd like to go down to 135 and then tone up to 140.  I don't care how much I weigh really, but I want to be pretty fit.  I'm also eating less carbs and more raw food.  I am still working on getting rid of extra sugar and fat but since it is summer my brain's back to its "too-hot" routine -- I mostly feel like it is too warm to eat anything but cold stuff, like fruits and veggies.  So that will help.  I'm also walking/running a mile a day.  I'll walk a quarter mile, run a half mile, and then walk another quarter.  Stu and I are at the gym Monday-Saturday, a mile a day.  I'm down to a 17 minute mile and Stu's around 18.  My goal is to end up being able to do a 12-minute mile.  (Some of this directly relates to The Hunger Games...just a wee bit)

All that to say, life isn't perfect -- I've had some serious talks lately, and been worried about my job and my brother, and I've gotten upset and I still feel incredibly lonely at times -- but underneath all that mess is a peace that encompasses everything and lights it all up so that it doesn't look as dank and depressing as it usually does.

I think maybe I'm doing things that actually feel right.  Acting feels right.  Writing scripts feels right.  And when I'm doing those two things and actually feeling good because I'm sleeping at night and I'm exercising -- life doesn't look so bleak after all.