Reading List

I've been reading through Tim Gunn's Guide to Quality, Taste & Style, I just began reading Life of Pi (which is awesome so far), and working my way through Toxic Parents.

The biggest thing I've learned from Toxic Parents is this: What you don't hand back, you'll pass on. This is the biggest incentive for me. I don't want my kids to grow up like I did, and no matter how much I think my parents did better than their parents (I think they both had rough childhoods), I have got to DO BETTER, and I can't do that if I'm still angry with them for messing up my growing up years.

So, I'm learning. Learning that it's ok to be angry, to grieve, and then move on to forgiveness. I'm learning I have a lot of work to do - including a talk with my parents in the near future.

That talk will determine how much we see them this summer, and when they are back in the States permanently. It will also determine how much time I spend with them, at a time. (3-4 days? A week? 2 weeks? one afternoon?)

I don't think my parents are horrible people. Coming from a Christian perspective, I see that they are broken individuals who did what they thought was best. I believe they both were subjected to some forms of abuse (verbal/physical for my father, verbal/emotional for my mother), and considering that, they did a better job, even after losing a child.

I believe both of them need to be in therapy for what happened to them as children and for what happened when we lost Morgan. I don't know that my father has ever grieved, which then helps me realize why he is so emotionally distant.

This reading has given me much more sympathy for them, instead of just being angry at them, but it has also opened my eyes - I'm an adult, and I do not want my kids to have to deal with my anger problems or depression. I want them to grow up in a healthy environment, where feelings are normal, where they grow and learn alongside us as Stu and I make mistakes and are open about them and ask forgiveness. I want our kids to feel safe and know that we love them no matter what, and that they can trust us.

I must hand back what my parents gave me so that I won't have to pass it on, all the while keeping in mind that they are fellow siblings in Christ, and that I must extend grace, mercy, and forgiveness along with a little tough love and a setting of boundaries.

Next up, I'm reading The Blessing, which is a self-help book from a Christian perspective for people who grew up with parents who were unsafe in some way. I've read it once before but I'm hoping that reading it every once in a while as I go through this process will help and encourage me in doing the right thing.

Cheerful Agony

I think I've finally figured out what the plot of the first Violet's Monster volume is, and also what the escalation and motives are and a dozen other things I didn't have figured out...it's not going to be as grim as I thought, but it's going to be a lot more complex...which is a good thing. I think.

I've gotten several lovely books at the library recently, all about stuff I'm thinking through at the moment:

-books on painting w/ oils and acrylics
-books on how to draw horses
-books on how to paint animals
-a book of horses
-Tim Gunn's Guide to Quality, Taste, and Style
-Christian Siriano's Fierce Style: How to Be Your Most Fabulous Self
-The Blessing
-Toxic Parents
-Life of Pi
-Stephen Lawhead's first book of the Song of Albion trilogy

I tend to get books at the library based on whatever I'm contemplating...usually 3-4 subjects at a time...!

I'm going for a walk now...to revel in the cool breeze, the warm sunshine, and the afternoon-time. And also swings.

I might whisper parts of Violet's Monster: Volume I to myself or sing Disney songs aloud, or perhaps write another secret in my Secrets book.

Just a few more thoughts...

1. I've discovered that for some people, I'm a 'phase' friend - one you can dump your problems on and when the situation's over and you've gotten better, the friend fades out of your life and you can move on. Putting it like that makes me less angry at the person(s), but makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me.

2. I probably will need professional counseling again at some point for things I thought I was over. It sucks to be 23 and still be emotionally damaged from things that happened 3, 4, 8, 12 years ago.

3. No matter how pretentious this sounds, I think I would make a pretty good actress. I've had to act for years in real life - how is that any different from what others do in Hollywood? Oh yeah, I don't get paid for it.

4. I'm not as bitter as I sound. Just sad and a little hurt. Time moves too quickly for me, and when I savor the happy moments, I have to write them down or else I'll forget.

Praise Jesus for His continual presence in my life, and His unbridled love for me. If it weren't for Him and my sweet husband and the good friends I do have...this world would be miserable indeed.

Intros

Last night I made my way to the swings again. Instead of just swinging in silence the entire time (it's therapeutic!), I tried out some beginning paragraphs from 4 of my books (one of which I've re-written a dozen times, one I've written a very rough draft of, and two I've barely begun)...it helped to speak out loud.

To speak my words to the darkness and see how they floated...there was something a little magical (or maybe creepy), swinging and finding words that mixed together.

Maybe I just need to be in motion when I write.

This is when I need to have a program like Dragon Naturally Speaking...

Why

Just a side note: Last night I dreamed about the creepy house AGAIN and THIS TIME my family and I were MOVING IN. The kitchen was gorgeous, and since Stu was there, I wasn't scared, but AHHHH...so weird.

And now on to why I'm writing this post:

I ask, "Why?" a lot. I want to know the reasons behind actions, behind motives, I want to get past the surface occurrences and figure out what caused the entire whatever-it-is. Which is probably why I adore Professor Snape oh-so-very-much. He's a big "WHY" to the answer, "Why did the Harry Potter story happen? (And happen that way?)"

I like WHY. I use it a lot when I'm writing, which makes writing extremely frustrating if I can't think of a good answer...which is partially why Violet's Monster: Volume I is giving me so much trouble.

I also over analyze unimportant things. What if they ARE really important? Why aren't they/are they??

Last night I found my favorite spot on campus (for those of you who don't know, I work at the university I graduated from, and they have housing on-campus for faculty/staff/alumni) - we have a small playground at the back of campus...there is a swing set there, and yesterday I decided it was too lovely to stay inside after dinner.

So I trekked to the swing set and sat on the left one, the nearest one, facing east. And then I thought, isn't it funny I chose the left one. Then I thought, but it's only the left one when I'm facing east. If I'm facing west, I chose the right one. That's the funny thing about swings. They face both ways - it just depends on your point of view. (Here's where the why, why, why started chiming in my head)

I sat swinging for probably an hour, staring into the woods or off to my right, noticing a gorgeous patch of green lawn between two trees. I can't begin to explain my love of a good lawn/good trees/nature + man-made aesthetics, but I thrilled to the beauty of that green swathe.

I don't know why sitting in a swing at twilight while appreciating the beauty all around me makes me feel better. But it did. And I plan to go out there often, maybe take some pictures, and appreciate the bits of beauty around here.

Creepy Dream and Writing Thoughts

I had a really, really creepy dream last night.

I dreamed that my mother, my siblings and myself were in a little town and had found a fabric/craft shop. It was in a huge mansion (about five stories tall) and we thought the whole thing was a shop. However, it was only the first floor, as I discovered when I went to the second floor and found that it was a residence. Two very old ladies and a young girl (she was 7) lived there. The young girl was not quite right - something was off about her. They kept her quiet and on the upper floors so she didn't upset customers.

They finally arrived at the register and my mom bought some things. My brother bought some candy but when the little girl started having a fit, he gave her some of the candy. "The purple ones don't help!" the older lady yelled.

I found myself listening as they said that at night, she would go find a chair and sit in it and rock back and forth while holding...either a teddy bear or a doll, I don't remember. Probably a doll.

I suggested they put it in her room so she wouldn't wander around the house at night, and apparently they'd never thought of this.

Then I went back out to the car to wait on everyone, when I noticed that the little girl was running to the car. I thought, "There's something demonic about her" and closed all the doors. Then I rolled up the windows but I couldn't reach the 'lock all' button in time so I pushed them one at a time as she ran around the car. The windows were slightly open and she put her fingers through, trying to push them down. I started screaming, "GO HOME! GO HOME! GO HOME!" and then I woke up.

The horrible thing about this dream is that I dreamed it all in segments. I would wake up and panic, then pray, then go back to sleep and dream the next part.

It was rather a horrible night. :/

However:

I am making slow progress on Violet's Monster: Volume I. I think I see where the trouble is, so now it's a matter of deciding what the point is of why Violet is the way she is and then the little details might (hopefully) fall into place.

Whew.

Flounder

I'm floundering. I've completed all but the last step of the Snowflake Method for Violet's Monster: Volume I and I'm completely stuck. I still know who Max and Violet are and what their story arcs are (for the most part) but I have no idea what the tone of the book is or what is really going on with Violet's mother, Mia.

It's frustrating. I'm writing other things in the meantime, but I really want to get this draft of Violet's Monster: Volume I going. I really want this story to happen. I don't think I'm confident in where the story is going now, since it keeps getting darker and darker.

I don't mind that it's getting darker, but I'm really struggling with how dark I want the situation Violet's mother is in, and I can't find a good way to tie everything in together.

I should probably just start writing and see what comes out, but I'd like to at least know where to start off.

So for now, I'm a flounder, floundering my way through this story for the umpteenth billion-time.

Wish me luck.

Into the Light

In order to avoid working on Violet's Monster: Volume I this morning, I'm going to write a blog describing where I am in the process of drafts, revisions, timelines, characters, etc., and talk a little about what I'm discovering about myself and my writing.

Something Anne Rice wrote (her essay on why she will not renounce her earlier work) that I read yesterday has been bouncing around in the back of my mind. She was pointing out that she's villainized for writing 'dark fiction' when, in fact, there are several great and classic stories that are 'dark fiction,' which show the truth of humanity and are revered (she's not comparing hers, she's just saying that dark fiction isn't all bad) - Frankenstein, Dracula, Faust, Paradise Lost, Great Expectations, Jane Eyre, etc., just to name a FEW.

I've been worrying over my own story. I know that my teen fiction is dark. My superhero universe is dark and tragic. I didn't want my kids' stories to turn out that way, but the deeper I delve into Violet's Monster: Volume I, I realize that it is getting darker and darker.

Then I had the thought this morning, "If my book is dark, the truth will be able to shine brighter." What I mean is, if I'm writing this story to say something about what I believe, then if it does turn out dark, there is more of an opportunity (at least for me) to have a candle of truth to light a spark in the darkness.

Goofy, light stories are wonderful, and can often point humorously toward the truth. I can't write humor. Jokes are painfully difficult for me. But I can delve deep inside myself and bring out the pain and darkness, then shine a light on it in hopes that others can see the truth through me and my writing, the truth that God is putting into my story.

It's somewhat comforting when I think of how dark Judges, Job, Jonah, Genesis, etc. are...I guess I'm more an Old Testament person?

Song of the Day

"You Could Be Happy"

I always love this song when in the car at night, or when it's rainy or snowy outside. Plus this is the song of the month for me.

This partners with my TV episode of the month: Tabula Rasa (Buffy season 6, episode 8).

Also...

"Sad is happy for deep people." (from Blink, written by Steven Moffat, for Doctor Who season 3)

Anne Rice

So, I finished Interview With the Vampire...it did and didn't end like I thought it would. In the end, it was a very sad tale about the fall of humanity and how meaningless life is without God. (Anne Rice has said in interviews that all her vampire novels were written while she was working through a lot of spiritual things...her 'search for Jesus'. And it's completely clear in her work!) She's on FaceBook so I'm hoping to chat with her at some point!!!

Anyway...there is one risque scene in the entire book, and it's meant to be horrifying and evil, and it's about a page or two in length...so, beware those of you who want to read it. There is that one scene.

Here are the rest of the quotes I adore from this book:

(Louis is the MC. He's having a conversation with Armand, who begins)

"Aren't there gradations of evil? Is evil a great perilous gulf into which one falls with the first sin, plummeting to the depth?"

"Yes, I think it is," I said to him. "It's not logical, as you would make it sound. But it's that dark, that empty. And it is without consolation."

"But you're not being fair," he said with the first glimmer of expression in his voice. "Surely you attribute great degrees and variations to goodness. There is the goodness of the child which is innocence, and then...there is the goodness of good housewives. Are all these the same?"

"No. But equally and infinitely different from evil." I answered. (pg. 188)

-

"That passivity in me has been the core of it all, the real evil. That weakness, that refusal to compromise a fractured and stupid morality, that awful pride! For that, I let myself become the thing I am, when I knew it was wrong." (pg. 245)

-

"I wanted love and goodness in this which is living death," I said. "It was impossible from the beginning, because you cannot have love and goodness when you do what you know to be evil, what you know to be wrong. You can only have the desperate confusion and longing and the chasing of phantom goodness in its human form." (pg. 269)

Interview

So, last week I randomly decided that I wanted to read some Anne Rice. Knowing that she has become a Christian, I wanted to know what her first books were like as opposed to her new books.

I chose Interview With the Vampire as the first book and I'm going to pick up a later book next week.

I am completely blown away by this book. I will warn you that some of the content is disturbing (I'm in part three and so far, there's no graphic stuff, just...creepy parts), but the overall story is incredibly spiritual.

It's kind of like reading about the fall of humanity from another perspective - where the humans are the unfallen and the vampires are the fallen humans (of course the humans in this are sinful as well, but it's kind of hard to explain and that's the best I can come up with).

Here are two quotes that just took my breath away:

"People who cease to believe in God or goodness altogether still believe in the devil. I don't know why. No, I do indeed know why. Evil is always possible. And goodness is eternally difficult."

"It seemed at moments, when I sat alone in the dark stateroom, that the sky had come down to meet the sea and that some great secret was to be revealed in that meeting, some great gulf miraculously closed forever. But who was to make this revelation when the sky and sea became indistinguishable and neither any longer was chaos? God? Or Satan? It struck me suddenly what consolation it would be to know Satan, to look upon his face, no matter how terrible that countenance was, to know that I belonged to him totally, and thus put to rest forever the torment of this ignorance. To step through some veil that would forever separate me from all that I called human nature.

I felt the ship moving closer and closer to this secret. There was no visible end to the firmament; it closed about us with breathtaking beauty and silence. But then the words put to rest became horrible. Because there would be no rest in damnation, could be no rest; and what was this torment compared to the restless fires of hell? The sea rocking beneath those constant stars - those stars themselves - what had this to do with Satan? And those images which sound so static to us in childhood when we are all so taken up with mortal frenzy that we can scarce imagine them desirable: seraphim gazing forever upon the face of God - and the face of God itself - this was rest eternal, of which this gentle, cradling sea was only the faintest promise."