Reading List

I've been reading through Tim Gunn's Guide to Quality, Taste & Style, I just began reading Life of Pi (which is awesome so far), and working my way through Toxic Parents.

The biggest thing I've learned from Toxic Parents is this: What you don't hand back, you'll pass on. This is the biggest incentive for me. I don't want my kids to grow up like I did, and no matter how much I think my parents did better than their parents (I think they both had rough childhoods), I have got to DO BETTER, and I can't do that if I'm still angry with them for messing up my growing up years.

So, I'm learning. Learning that it's ok to be angry, to grieve, and then move on to forgiveness. I'm learning I have a lot of work to do - including a talk with my parents in the near future.

That talk will determine how much we see them this summer, and when they are back in the States permanently. It will also determine how much time I spend with them, at a time. (3-4 days? A week? 2 weeks? one afternoon?)

I don't think my parents are horrible people. Coming from a Christian perspective, I see that they are broken individuals who did what they thought was best. I believe they both were subjected to some forms of abuse (verbal/physical for my father, verbal/emotional for my mother), and considering that, they did a better job, even after losing a child.

I believe both of them need to be in therapy for what happened to them as children and for what happened when we lost Morgan. I don't know that my father has ever grieved, which then helps me realize why he is so emotionally distant.

This reading has given me much more sympathy for them, instead of just being angry at them, but it has also opened my eyes - I'm an adult, and I do not want my kids to have to deal with my anger problems or depression. I want them to grow up in a healthy environment, where feelings are normal, where they grow and learn alongside us as Stu and I make mistakes and are open about them and ask forgiveness. I want our kids to feel safe and know that we love them no matter what, and that they can trust us.

I must hand back what my parents gave me so that I won't have to pass it on, all the while keeping in mind that they are fellow siblings in Christ, and that I must extend grace, mercy, and forgiveness along with a little tough love and a setting of boundaries.

Next up, I'm reading The Blessing, which is a self-help book from a Christian perspective for people who grew up with parents who were unsafe in some way. I've read it once before but I'm hoping that reading it every once in a while as I go through this process will help and encourage me in doing the right thing.