1. Grooveshark is AWESOME. I now have Angels and Airwaves, All-American Rejects, all the Harry Potter soundtracks (!!!) and Disney my little heart can desire...hundreds of great songs to listen to while I'm trying to write/paint/clean!!
2. Had a weird dream last night and am still puzzling it out. I think I know why I dreamed it but it was just a weird dream. I was at a Goodwill shopping when I ran into an old roommate and all her friends. They pretty much just ignored me but I heard that my old roommate was graduating. So, even though they obviously didn't want me there (at the store, their house, or the school), I went to see her graduate. Each graduate was dressed in sort of sloppy clothes (it wasn't an 'official' graduation, I guess), it was in Hoke, and my roommate was going to sing. It was reminiscent of "Part of Your World" and it was beautiful.
3. I was at the after-party of the graduation and discussing a nanny with someone. The nanny was a) a guy from Denmark and b) a drag queen. We were discussing pros and cons of this.
So that's my dream.
3. Friends and friendships are complicated.
4. Life continues to be stressful, wonderful, agonizing, hurtful, and awesome in turns. My dad still hasn't written me back and all my mom wants to talk about is the Kansas trip. My favorite uncle asked if I was going and...I couldn't tell him why I don't want to go. I can't talk to any of my family about what happened because a) I don't want family drama and b) I seriously think no one would believe me OR they would say I was just playing it up.
Friends, on the other hand, have been incredibly encouraging, uplifting, wise, and lovely. Much older people have given me their wisdom and others have offered prayers, help, and love and it's been amazing to experience it.
My damaged relationships with friends are still damaged. People I thought I would be great friends with forever have completely stepped out of my life. It hurts me deeply but there's nothing I can think of that I did, so for now the ball is in their court. I've done enough moping and crying and attempting to reconcile without being told what happened.
I've realized recently that I don't trust a lot of people. I think most of it stems from not trusting my parents, and losing someone close to me. I either expect people to move away or distance themselves at some point, or I just can't have a deep relationship with people because I don't fully disclose what I'm thinking/feeling.
I don't like surface relationships but that's what I'm relegated to when I don't trust people. And I'll just have to deal with that voice in the back of my head that tells me someone's going to leave eventually.
So that's life right now. I'm (slowly) pursuing voice, music, art, dance, acting, painting, and writing, and my hobbies are taking a backseat for now, as all they were doing was providing distractions.
I can't wait until we have a semi-regular schedule (last half of July, basically) and I can just go to work, workout, fix dinner, and read in the evenings. It seems blissful.
Unfortunately, it also seems far away.
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