The Weirder the Dream...

Judge of your natural character by what you do in your dreams.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I had a long, weird, scary dream last night. This is one of those that doesn't have a specific meaning and is just interesting to dissect later.

Here goes:

In my dream, I was part of a settlement (yes, it was very sci-fi) and we had just heard about a new virus that was spreading rapidly. We were in a huge house and while we were packing and getting ready to evacuate, soldiers came and we were running from them, and ended up at one of our peoples' work - I saw that three women were in charge of spreading the virus through the pipes (they were mixing things and then pouring them into the pipes) and I tried to tell someone but no one heard me. Then, we saw the people with the virus - they were like zombies, a little slow, with a vacant stare, but they would eat you if they got close. We started running and then we ran into someone we knew and they told me that my boss (in real life) had gotten the virus - then I saw her. She slowly ambled toward me and I cried out in terror. I started sprinting toward the parking lot and got in a car with some people and people were running after me, some with the virus, others who also wanted to get away. We didn't have room but the people crowded around so much that we couldn't move before the people with the virus came - so we got out and ran back into the building, but we had to pretend we didn't know what was going on. So I got 3 of the little girls in the nursery to follow me out and we walked around to the receptionist's desk (she knew what was going on, the villain) and she asked what we were doing and I realized we hadn't done a great job of pretending we didn't know what was going on so I explained that we were playing Simon Says and she bought that (haha) and I found books for the girls to read while I tried to wait on the signal to spring on everybody so we could shut the place down and fortify it before the people with the virus caught on.

It was terrifying. And very, very real. Part of me knew it was a dream and while I was running, I was like, "This is a dream," but part of me was like, "I don't care, I HAVE to get away from these creeps!" Ugh. *shivers*

I wish I was able to visionify it for people - I'm bad at describing things and the above is just a jumble of words attempting to put together a terrifying picture of my dream. Eh.

I think what's terrifying me is that my life feels out of control. I don't know if I have seasonal depression (it runs on my mom's side of the family) or if it's just part of the newlywed jumble of feelings, or if it's because I'm exhausted all the time (mono?)...but I'm an absolute crank and ready to cry at the drop of a hat. Today I spilled juice all over myself and I got so frustrated...I hate feeling stupid (which was the biggest part of it) and I was already late (which was the other part). I've cried and been depressed several times in the past few days and I'm not really sure why. Here are some things that might be the cause:

1. I hate myself - I can't do anything. I just don't feel like I can do anything except schoolwork.

*Correction: I don't hate myself. I...just don't LIKE myself very much.

2. I feel fat and ugly - I'm not taking good care of my hair and I'm "mildly obese."
3. I feel like I have no self-control.
4. I think I might be prone to an eating disorder.

I've struggled with weight issues a lot - I used to be stick thin until I hit puberty and then I was made to cut back on my portions and exercise, which made my already low self-image even worse. I got obsessed with exercise in college and sometimes I wouldn't let myself eat for up to 16-24 hours. Then sometimes I eat too much.

I don't think I would have a documented eating disorder but occasionally I'm frightened because I see how this is slowly becoming an issue with me.

I'd rather exercise than diet. I'd rather eat raw veggies than meat. I just don't know if I want to change enough, you know? You have to want to before it becomes a reality and that's why I feel like I don't have self-control.

So, sadly, I take it out on things and get frustrated and depressed and my poor husband doesn't know what to do. Well, we're in the same boat.

I was mostly ok before last week so possibly this is just my PMS talking...but I do struggle with weight issues and I think it's just making PMS worse.

I do humbly apologize for how I am in this state. I hate it. Pray for me?