Family Figures

I don't remember my father ever touching me.

I'm sure he did. There are pictures of him holding me, or standing awkwardly next to me in a side hug. Once I got older, however, old enough to remember, he was completely hands off. He tries to hug me now and it's like he never learned how to enclose someone in his arms. Like he never let himself care enough to squeeze someone.

We were never father - daughter. He just wanted to be friends. With my lack of emotional capacity, we remained acquaintances. I only know what his favorite movie and favorite bird are because I asked and remembered. I know almost nothing about his childhood, his friends and family, his preferences, all I've learned I've had to learn by observation or pointed questioning.

From him I learned to never talk about myself. To never reach out to people. To never ask for help. To keep everything stuffed so deep I didn't even know it was there.

He is a very fragile being.

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I had to take care of my parents growing up. Sometimes I feel like I've lived life backwards. Often, actually. I've never had the real parent-child relationship or the family dynamic that I still crave. I've read books like "The Blessing" to help me understand that I will never receive it from them. They are too broken. I've talked with my therapist, who tells me I have to take care of myself now. I can't fix them.

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My therapist tells me to look for family outside of my biological one. That there are people who can be Mom, Daddy, Sister, Brother, Aunt, Uncle, Cousin to me. That I don't have to feel guilty for not attaching emotionally to my biological family. That I can have a family of my own, even if none of us are linked by blood. It will still be broken, there will still be ups and downs, there will still be hard times. But this family will be the one I identify with.

I have found some family here.

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I have realized these last few weeks that I do have parents. The couple that I pretend are my real parents. I eat lunch with her once a week. She can listen or offer advice or encourage or caution or make me laugh. He knows when I need a hug and tells me he's proud of me when he attends our plays. He does not know how much that means to me.

My other parents are slowly becoming so. The couple that invites me over for Sunday dinner because they always include those who don't have family nearby. Because they are genuinely concerned. Because they care. They, too, are able to listen and converse. We go on long walks and talk about everything and nothing. We laugh a lot. And the food is always delicious.

The other couple I'd like to spend more time with but feel too shy to ask. I think she can see it in my eyes. He knows how much I miss Stu. He kisses me on the forehead because Stu used to and I need a reminder that I am still loved.

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These couples have children. But they have allowed me a glimpse into what a family is supposed to look like. There is a lot of love. There's a lot of tears, and a lot of laughter. Lots of prayer. But an abundance of overflowing love.

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I also have labels for those people I consider other members of my family. I have a friend who is the Brother I always thought Morgan would be. I have a friend who I consider my Sister. She and I are cut from the same cloth, the sister I always wanted. And there are so many Cousins. I have a special place in my heart for Cousins. My favorite biological cousins were so joyous and exuberant and fun. And then one summer we said goodbye and that was the last I ever saw of them. I am thankful to have other Cousins now.

I have a friend who is the cool Aunt I always wanted. Her husband is a great Uncle.

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I may not have ties to my biological family, or the relationships I wanted with them, but I do have a family.

They love me.

And on days like today, I need that reminder.