Grownup; and Pieces

Having my mom here was like being a 12 year old kid again. I was sick this weekend so my mom washed the dishes and did my laundry, and that was nice, but she also wanted Parker to be out all the time (read: irritated Kaitlin) and to be busy all weekend.

Don't get me wrong, we had a fun weekend. We sewed a dress (that I'm wearing right now), we watched most of the first season of Leverage, we went to the art museum, the marionette theater, and the park, (to read out loud) and it was nice.

But I'm so tired.

And sad.

She completely ignored the parts of my life she didn't like and only recognized parts of me she did like. I know parents don't always agree 100% with how their kids are doing, but it's not because of what she said yesterday:

"Oh, don't ever think we don't love everything you're doing - that's just Satan making you think we don't like your life."

Um. She is the one who said I was going to hell for playing a role-playing game. I don't think Satan made her say that. She is also the one who would not allow me to speak of HP at home or read the books or ever let my siblings know that part of my life even existed. Again - not Satan.

Having my family near me is like walking underneath a waterfall. It can be fun and exciting at times, but in the end it's chaotic and you're not exactly sure if you're going to slip and fall or make your way across.

When I put the outfit on we made, we tied a big bow in the sash and then mom sat me down to do my hair so we could take pictures. It brought back a lot of memories and really did make me feel like I was 10 again.

And I shut down - emotionally.

That's what I was like before Spain - a robot with no emotions who just existed in life instead of living it. I had no thoughts of my own or ideas or opinions...I just went with what was going on and I didn't even like or dislike it.

When I got to Spain, it was like the world exploded around me and I was surrounded by everything I'd never imagined. It was so beautiful.

The pain of losing that was so harsh that I sank into a deep depression and surfaced just before I came to college.

College was really hard for me and although I'm glad I went, I regret most of it. I regret the experiences I had, meeting certain people, the choices I made, and things that happened to me. Some of it was really awful. Some of it was wonderful.

Seeing my mom again and seeing her blank out part of my life was...hurtful. I didn't want to bring up that stuff because I didn't want her to take me away again. Because that's what she did last time. And the time before that. Again, and again. They take me away because they can't stand what I am.

Being a grownup is harder than being a kid.

It hurts a lot more because I can put more words to it.

-

I read this girl's blog and slowly, I put the pieces together. I see a happy one here, a tragic piece up there, and a really awful one down below. I put them together, one by one, to see a picture beneath the surface.

I feel like I know her better than I do these people I've spent most of my time with for the last five years.