I have several friends and acquaintances that either have young children or are pregnant with their first, second or third babies.
When I was younger I assumed *if* I ever got married, I'd have children. It was just the way things worked out, I thought. Everybody I knew had babies except for those who couldn't.
But when I actually got married, I realized I had a choice.
And promptly decided that I didn't want kids.
For several reasons:
1. I don't feel that I am responsible enough to have children -- I'm still young and trying to figure out what I want and to focus on things that I couldn't do if I had children (I'm too selfish at the moment).
2. I don't want to mess kids up -- there's already kids in orphanages and homes that are messed up and I don't want to add to that (And every parent messes their child up somehow).
3. I didn't want to watch them make stupid mistakes and have to live with the consequences the rest of their lives (I've already seen that way too many times).
But darling husband wants kids and how could I say no to that adorable man? (Especially when I see how nurturing, gentle and helpful he is?!)
So we talked about it and decided that unless God gifts us with a child beforehand, our plan was to rent/buy a house (with at least 2 bedrooms), pay off school loans, graduate from college, and one of us have a great job so the other can stay home. We've done the graduating and we are slowly moving towards finding a house to rent. But school loans and the job will go together and that's not happening right now.
I thought we'd start having children when I turned 25. I turn 25 this summer. Doesn't look like that's going to happen. Now we've pushed it back until I'm 29 (school loans and all -- but my cut off is 35. I'm not having children after that unless God says "That's what you think...!").
I don't really hold babies all that much (unless someone says, "Don't you want to hold the baby?") and I don't interact with them hardly at all -- My clock isn't ticking, and it's not really my thing (yet?). It has never been my thing, actually -- my brother E has always shown more interest in babies (and they flock to him).
All that to say, I went to visit my friend Stephanie over the weekend. She was in a 14-performance run of The Music Man and this was the last performance and she got us free tickets (and some of our friends were absolutely lovely and provided gas money and a car). We went up early to spend the afternoon with her and her husband...and her darling little boy, Max.
I'm a sucker for little boys named Max. I think it's because I always loved that kid in Where the Wild Things Are (and I've named a character Max in Violet's Monster). Anyway -- this Max is about 2, with gorgeous blonde hair and big blue-grey eyes.
I noticed something different about how Stephanie and her husband Michael treat Max. They are both extremely laid back and just let him be a boy, a kid, someone who can run around, explore, jabber, pick things, up, climb...they let him be a real kid. They never snap at him, they don't yell, they don't jerk him around.
Stephanie and Michael are fantastic parents -- Max is a calm, sweet, unafraid little boy. He hardly ever cries, and when he does something like climb a chair and almost fall off, Michael just picks him up and sets him down and they walk over to the table where we are and Max sits down on the chair and asks for more ice cream with nary a thought of pitching a fit. He actually never makes a scene -- he's just the most laid back kid I've ever laid eyes on.
That gives me hope that our generation has the potential to be better parents. To give your child the freedom to *be* a child, without fear of yelling, snapping, jerking, or being hit for something that a child does naturally (which I grew up with all around me) is a wonderful, beautiful thing. I'm so impressed.
Which doesn't mean they're perfect (although I have yet to see them do anything with Max that isn't wonderful), but it does mean they understand that Max is a child and should be treated with care.
Anyway -- Stephanie and I were walking in the park, with Max between us, and suddenly I felt a tiny hand grasp mine. I took a deep breath and looked down and Max had taken both our hands and was marching us down the path.
I think my heart melted.
This doesn't mean I want kids right away now, or that I in fact *do* want them wholeheartedly now, but I've slowly been traversing the "I don't want kids EVER" section into a middle section where I'm feeling "Maybe it wouldn't be absolutely dreadful" while still thinking, "I really don't want to mess up my kids". I'm balanced in the middle, for now.
Just seeing how unafraid and sweet Max is...well, I maybe wouldn't mind having my own little boy in a few years...;)
Although le hubster says he wants ALL GIRLS.
EEK. :D
I wrestle with this every few weeks.
ReplyDeleteWant babies, do not want babies.
Mostly, I think about bringing them into a world of pain and suffering, with a mom who has an anxiety disorder. I also think about all the children who already exist who need homes, so I think about the adoption route a lot.
I also struggle with the idea of pregnancy and childbirth. Will I need to come off my meds? Will I go crazy? It's a lot to think about. When I first got married, I desperately wanted kids.
Now I'm reluctant.
Also, and this seems petty but is incredibly important to me, I worry about my child having cat or dog allergies. I was severely allergic to cats as a kid, ie, the kitten we took in had to be rehomed. I couldn't live with one. Animal rescue is my calling; if I couldn't have animals in my home, I would die inside, the way that an artist would if they couldn't bring paints into their home.
Gina, I wonder sometimes if some of us are meant to love others' children (or pets!) -- Stu and I have taken in people (someone's lived with us every summer we've been married except this one) and loved on kids whose families aren't exactly amazing, and I absolutely love it. I could see us having a college ministry or even working in the foster system (although that would be incredibly hard for Stu since he doesn't do well with people leaving). I love loving other peoples' kids but to have my own -- I just don't know.
ReplyDeleteAnd it isn't petty -- if you're called to animal rescue, it would be like cutting off an arm to have a child with allergies. (Although sometimes there are work-arounds -- only having cats in one space, or allergy meds when they're older, or rescuing animals who are lower on the allergy scale, etc.)
I think as long as we're honest about why we aren't having children and as long as spouses can agree, what's the point in going back and forth? Your mind might change on its own later, and that's alright too.
Stu and I have had discussions and both at different times said yes or no to the baby question. But we know that right now is not the right time to have children. In a few years we can revisit the question and see what we think. Which takes the pressure off me (and him) and enables us to concentrate on other areas (like the Aspirant process or looking for work or losing weight) while still keeping the choice fluid.
I don't know if that helps but that's been helping me not go crazy trying to fall on either side of the equation.
I'm just glad you're not taking the decision lightly. There are so many people who have made poor decisions and their children suffer for it. (Which is one of the reasons I want to be so careful that I am as prepared as possible if I ever do have kids!)