Dancing Through Life

10 points to anyone who guesses where the title of this post comes from.

And now on to why I'm writing:

I feel like I'm just skating through what we call "life." True, I do have some crazy stories and I've had some weird experiences, BUT there are the proper ways people go about life.

1. School
2. Job
3. Marriage
4. Kids
5. Retirement

I've done almost everything I can to avoid the "proper channels." Even as a child, when I saw people living in neighborhoods, side by side, with everything the same, I was filled with an inexplicable, passionate distaste for the "ordinary." I didn't want to be like everyone else. I hated "normalcy." I wanted to be an oddball, someone who didn't fit in and who lived life a little...strangely.

I thought about that today and how "normal" my life looks now.

I also thought about how I've worked. I started working for my art teacher at about 12, and then landed jobs with help from parents and roommates. I've never been to an interview and I've avoided almost all the normal paperwork. Somehow. It is so weird to me. I know I'm not the only one who's "magically" avoided the odds and ends of job hunts [and I sure sent out 50 resumes this summer with nary a reply except for SPAM] but it's...strange. Like I'm just floating through this time in my life. No real manual labor to ground me in reality, no artistic passion to keep me inspired...

I'm not unhappy with my job. There are so many things about it that I LIKE. I just don't know...what [if anything] I will do after this ends. Because there will be an end. Either I will have to leave because I can't remain an alumnus/student worker forever, or I will get offered a job here that I won't take [I can't abide by some of the standards...watching movies and dancing, namely...sigh...] and I'll have to find a new job.

But I tried finding a new job. I looked all summer. 3 months. 50 resumes. Government jobs, law offices, doctor clinics, music schools, etc. I know that finding a job is really tough right now but there were a LOT of opportunities and none of them ever even wrote me a "thank you but we've hired someone else...".

Stu and I were talking today about how he felt like he should be more at his age. I can see why he feels that way, but honestly, few people get ANYWHERE before they are 30+. We try as hard as we can to get where we want to go but really God is the One who plans our steps and sometimes He takes it slow for us. Probably so we will learn to be patient. Which is not one of Stu's strong points. Or mine, for that matter. I just become apathetic. Anyway, we were talking about professionals because we were listening to someone on the radio who was interviewing Cheetah Rivera [famous Broadway actress/dancer/singer]. Stu mentioned he wanted to go to theatre school. I mentioned I'd love to go and do ballet as well. Then I said I could get a scholarship with my harp. I probably could.

And that's what's bothering me. I can float through life while some people struggle to come up with a job at McDonald's. WHY?! It's not like it's easy for me, either. I don't KNOW if I could get a scholarship - I've just come to expect it because things like that come my way. I survived my entire college career because of scholarships. I play a unique instrument. I'd probably get in somewhere nice with it. But I just ASSUMED it would happen. And really...there's not much else going on for me at the moment.

All that to say that a) I am grateful for the opportunities I've had, even though b) I feel like things are given to me too freely and c) that I haven't really worked for them and d) that things will get harder from here on out and I can't expect any handouts.

What the hell am I supposed to be doing and why can't I see the next step?!

/End of ramble.

Thank you, Father, for teaching us to be patient and wait for Your Plan to unfold. I trust you with our lives. I thank you for the opportunities so far and I am grateful for any that come our way in the future. Please grant me wisdom and peace concerning these matters.

Amen.