Two Birds

Most days, I'm content to curl up with the iPad and watch episode on episode of something (Supernatural or Inside the Actor's Studio, currently) and just watch the day fade.

Other days I'm ready to get out there and plunge into the action.

But a crippling fear overtakes me and I almost blow off my convictions because hey, it's easier to stay home and dream instead of doing something about them.

...I'm getting more and more convinced, however, that I want to go back to school.  For acting.  And writing.  Part of me thinks of the writing as a 'safety' in case I can't make it as an actor (I could be on British television with my looks, but I have a hard time convincing myself that I'll make it in Hollywood), but underneath is a current of "I want to tell my own stories".

The husband and I have been looking at different schools (Regent's the one we're currently inquiring about) and while he can go straight on to grad school, I'd have to take undergrad acting classes as pre-reqs (which I don't mind, but it will take me longer to get a degree and meanwhile I'm getting older) and so there's a sense of...urgency?  Nervousness? Not sure...there's an undercurrent of "I need to decide what I'm really doing with this."

Which can be boiled down to "I want to tell stories with other people."  But what does that look like, for me?

Writing on a TV show?
Acting in a TV show (my preferred option)?
Acting in theater (not my most favorite option)?
Acting in film (extra, supporting cast)?
Web series?
Short films?
Indie movies?
Radio plays (which are in fact making a comeback)?

These two components, acting and writing, are meant to go together, I'm thinking.  I've discovered several actors or people in Hollywood doing both -- Leigh Bardugo (who wrote the best YA fantasy last year) is a makeup artist and writer; Pauley Perrette (NCIS) is a published author as well as being the most beloved TV character (there've been studies done) ever.  So it isn't crazy (or at least not *as* crazy) to think I could do both, right?  In some capacity?

The research I've done has made it all seem much more intimidating.  Listening to Inside the Actor's Studio has been calming as I've learned about the hardships actors have had to endure (Johnny Depp was a musician and selling ink pens over the phone until his friend NICHOLAS CAGE persuaded him to try acting).  It has also been encouraging to see similarities in background and family and realize that in a lot of ways, I have the background of an actor.  There are reasons I want to tell stories.

I just have a hard time because I start thinking about what I'm comfortable doing (and what I'm not) and which programs will be reasonable about that and which programs I won't be able to get into because of that (I'm not comfortable doing sex scenes.  Maybe something will change my mind, but right now, no way.  Although, as I've said, my looks will protect me since I won't be doing any rom-coms as a leading lady).

If I'm going to be picky about what I play (and nervous about where a TV character will go in 3-7 years on screen), will I really even get parts I want to play?

Which leads me back to what Sylvester Stallone and Matt Damon did -- wrote their own stories and never gave up on being in the movie, even if everyone told them "It won't work -- no one knows who you are."

To that effect, I have two ideas for movies I would *love* to see.  And I could play the characters, given the time and opportunity and training (I think.  Still convincing myself I should see if I have that spark).  So...I'm writing down a bunch of ideas at the moment while still trying to finish my NaNo novel.  Maybe finishing that will allow me to turn to these screenplays this year.

I've also got two short stories I'd love to turn into short films.  And since I'm writing, why not act?  It gives me two credits (acting/writing in two films) and that's something to put on my resume besides plays and an IMDB credit for costumes/makeup.

So there's a storm of stuff happening in my brain right now and it's all very intimidating and scary and wild and...

But every time I talk myself out of it, I fall back into daydreaming and planning, because there's nothing else I'd rather do.  Nothing.  I can't think of one other thing I'd devote my life to.  If I can't act/write, I will cease to exist as me.

Keeping hold of that while trying to break through my hang-ups about my looks and seeming lack of talent is difficult.

But sometimes it takes hold of me and I can't shake it.

This year, I'm going to concentrate on directing The Importance of Being Earnest (CIU play, spring production) and learning some audition pieces for the fall, in case I audition at local theatres.  I'll also be working on my short film scripts and gathering research and plotting the two screenplays I have in mind (both historical fiction).  And I'll be listening to Inside the Actor's Studio, reading books on acting and potentially finding a weekly acting class to attend (having a hard time finding one at the moment).

I can barely wait to begin.