My Dream

I feel like David Cross's character (Tobias Funke) in Arrested Development when I tell people, "I want to be an actor!"

Everyone goes silent and it feels like...they pity me?  Or are embarrassed by the big dream I have?

Look.  I know I'm not classically beautiful, rom-com/love story material.  I get that.  I'm not interested in playing that role.  It's why I've considered moving to England where the looks don't matter as much as the talent (and if I go to school and find I have some actual talent, well then!  What's stopping me?).  I'm currently watching The Office and Being Human (both UK versions) and the females in there are...well, they're talented.  Much better than a lot of film actors here.  And beautiful in their own ways.  Just because they aren't skinny and don't look like our modern idea of feminine beauty doesn't mean they can't tell stories.

(See Dawn from The Office and Annie, Dr. Jaggart, and Nina from Being Human -- all beautiful, none of them stick-thin models with perfectly symmetrical faces)

My only hang-up is that British people are much more open and cool with cursing, nudity and etc.  I don't know how far I'm willing to go down that route.

So here I am in America, where apparently only pretty people get to dream of telling stories to the masses.

But that isn't quite true anymore, and if you're willing to fight for good roles and refuse the stereotypical ones, you can do great things -- Tina Fey might be skinny but she refuses to do nude scenes and writes her own things (another avenue I've considered).  Miracle Laurie, who is tall and big-boned, and Amber Benson, who is a normal weight (about my weight, actually), got to be in Joss Whedon stories (Dollhouse and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, respectively).  All of them uniquely pretty.  America Ferrera (Ugly Betty) is another example -- a mixed race, average weight girl (very beautiful) playing a lead role in a TV series.  

There's a scandal in media now because a 'fat' girl is writing a show where she is the main character and has more love interests than her skinny friend (heaven help us).  Jezebel, I think, wrote an interesting article about it.  But that kind of thing is slowly dying out (I believe), partially because there are so many of us watching British shows where people are...'plain' and blowing us away with their talent (Martin Freeman and the girl who plays Irene Adler in BBC's Sherlock come to mind).

I guess what I'm saying is...I see some peoples' point of view when I tell them I want to act.  I'm getting older, I haven't had lots of training, I'm not in an area conducive to doing what it is I want to do...and also, I'm plain Jane and I don't take care of myself like I should.

I take responsibility for not being healthy.  I'm out of shape again and I need to make changes in my life if I'm to actually go somewhere and act.  I also need to take responsibility for not being happy and make those changes as well.

But I can't help it that I'm plain.  I've got good features -- my eyes, lips, ears, and I've got a nice, curvy figure when I'm healthy.  But my face is androgynous at worst and 'plain' at best.  

I'm finally ok with that.  Who cares what I look like if I can act?  The stories I want to tell aren't about pretty girls who have everything.  I want to tell stories about people who struggle.  Who hope.  Who dream.  Who may not be the best looking people but are the best kind of people -- or the absolute worst because of reasons (I think I'd love to play a villain or two).

I think I could be a solid character actor in shows like Supernatural, Being Human, Dollhouse...sci-fi/fantasy, stories that explore humanity and have something of import to say.  Maybe my looks will actually save me from doing work on Dawson's Creek or The Secret Circle or Cougartown.

This is something I'm going to be talking to my actors about (auditions are tomorrow).  I don't care what you look like so much (apart from the right age/type) as long as you work hard and you have some talent.  You can't carry a story if you just expect people to fall in love with you while you're staring at the screen while you bite your lip.  You'll just become an internet meme.

I've dreamed this dream my whole life and I've finally become sick of running from it.  I found a teacher here who holds an 8-week master class and I'm going to use some of my tax refund money to pay for it.  I'm directing a play this semester and am looking forward to auditioning around town in the fall, along with producing a short film with my husband.

I want to be an actor.

And the only person who can stop me from doing that is myself.