Happy Green Spring Time

I realized today that I'm actually...happy.

Which shouldn't be the case.

• One of my best friends is moving to California in a week.
• My boss (the best boss on the planet) is in Austria.
• I'm still working part-time, trying to wrangle a budget out of my minuscule paycheck.
• My life seems an endless loop of trying to keep a few dollars in hand, trying to rein in a Southern foodie, a lack of sleep, and a place to live that seems to be inhabited by overgrown college students.

Despite those somewhat melodramatic statements, I'm actually HAPPY.  I can FEEL it.  And you know how rare that is for me.  HAPPY to me feels like hope -- the leaping heart, fluttery bird wings, and a green, vine-y thing sprouting from my chest (apparently happy is green for me...?).

I can't quite explain why I'm happy.  Not much has changed in my situation (although God did provide a temp job and a car for Stu, which has been joyous to behold!) and yet...I'm excited about every day.

I think the change is comprised of realizations, decisions, and activities.

For once, the happiness isn't caused by something *outside* myself.  (External factors like cheesecake, friendly contact or a present)

Realization: Kaitlin stops when she plateaus, instead of pushing through the plateau.  How can I improve if I never get past the plateau?!  That realization has made me start to push.  I've pushed past the last song in my piano book (that I never played because it looked too hard), cookies that looked ruined (added more flour until the consistency was right -- they turned out great!), and overwhelming house projects (almost to the end -- need to move the mattress, unpack a laundry basket, take the trash and drop off a few things at Goodwill...AND THEN THE ENTIRE APARTMENT IS ORGANIZED!!!).

Decision: I've decided to look at grad schools for Creative Writing programs.  The funding will have to magically appear (which it did for my undergrad -- My parents paid for the first semester and then a combo of jobs and scholarships got me through the rest), but I can't just sit on my bum because I don't feel like I have adequate training to go into a field that fascinates me.  I'm going to go get that training and keep writing.

Activities: I did photography for a wedding this year, and I just got hired to illustrate wedding invites.  Those might seem external, but I could have chosen not to do them because I didn't feel like I was adequate.  I chose, however, to jump right in and do them and the wedding was awesome (I discovered a love of photo editing) and I'm so excited about the wedding illustrations.  I've also been sewing, crocheting, cooking, reading, writing and sketching.  The more I create, the happier I am.

I think God has placed certain people, lectures, sermons, movies, and books into my life to help me to these realizations, decisions and activities, and it's awesome to think that He is treating me just like He treated women in the Bible -- with a gentle tenderness that gradually softens my heart.