Dreams

This summer has been difficult and wonderful.  I've been able to spend more time with friends (wonderful), had my two-year dream crushed into oblivion (difficult), said (and will be saying) goodbye to some fabulous friends (difficult) and had time to practice my sewing skills (wonderful).

This summer has been full of words for me -- in sermons at my church, in the lectures we're listening to as a small group on Friday nights, in movies (The Dark Knight Rises in particular), and in books (Blink & Caution).  All of these words have helped me grow stronger and better this summer.

And all of these words have given me hope that I've been able to feel, which is a rare, rare occurence.

Hope feels like a fluttery little bird in my ribcage.  My heart beats a little faster and I catch my breath, trying to figure out why hope feels so much like standing in the wings off the stage before my cue.

I try to squash it down, of course (no money for grad school, no drive to do theater or writing or music or whatever, etc.) but it keeps popping back up despite my (half-hearted?) efforts.

I'm dreaming, for the first time, of grad school.  I found a completely online program for English & Creative Writing (Emphasis on Fiction) at Southern New Hampshire University.  18 months, 12 classes, no GRE/GMAT required (a big hurdle for me).  It's on the less expensive side ($25k), with grants and financial aid (possibly) available.  It's a private, non-profit school that's been around for quite a while and is touted as being in the front lines when it comes to online education.

Classes include:

Graduate Studies in Literary Theory
Medieval Literature
American Realism & Naturalism
Screenwriting Fundamentals
Fiction & Film
Context of Writing: Writers/Publishers

The end product being a polished novel ready to send out to an agent/publisher and the ability to work in several areas: journalism, law, education, freelance, etc.

I'm also dreaming of writing some short pieces and sending them out to magazines like:

Science Fiction & Fantasy Magazine
Cricket
American Girl
Highlights

And of course I'm dreaming of completing a novel and going through several rounds of revisions so that I can start querying agents.

Also, I'm dreaming of building a website just for me.  Tentatively titled An Artist's Adventures, it would have several different pages according to my interests -- with projects that I've completed (fabric arts, theater, photography/art, writing) and dialogue between my readers and me about book, movie and music reviews, recommendations, guest posts (I know at least three published authors) and maybe even giveaways.  I'd put up some free stuff (writing) and ask for critiques, and then send them out and maybe do a vlog post if I get it published.  (You Are A Writer -- So Start Acting Like One! by Jeff Goins is responsible for all this madness)

So there are my dreams -- an interactive website, published articles and books, and grad school.

I'm still not sure about writing, 100%, but it's sneaking up on me and I think I'm finally over 50%.

I just worry that I'm only doing it because it's the only thing I can do here.  I can't really do a lot with theater (not being able to drive and having a crazy schedule), and nothing with TV right now (I guess I could do webisodes...?), and I've realized I have absolutely no drive to do music, except for voice.  Art and sewing are kind of in the background (more interested in drawing/photography, both of which I've been hired to do this year), so we'll see if Art steps it up.

I feel like a jack-of-all-trades...mediocre in everything and great in nothing.

BUT

Baby steps.  Keep moving forward.  You'll only get better the more you try.  Don't be afraid to fail.  Learn from it and move on.

If Edison can find a thousand ways not to make a lightbulb, I can figure out a couple thousand ways to fail at art, whatever form it takes for me.

Meanwhile, I'll work on my Camp NaNoWriMo project, my drawing commission, and my part-time job(s) responsibilities.  Also try to figure out if I should even be moving toward becoming a deacon.  I'm torn because I don't feel you can be an actor AND a deacon -- both are a calling and both are full-time, life-dedication type deals (the way I want to do them, anyway).  So...that's what's holding me back from making a decision about either of those.  I can always write on the side, but acting/deaconing is a difficult decision so for now I'm putting it off.  Plenty of time to test the waters in both and figure out where I fit in.  At least, that's what I tell myself as I freak out about being 25 and needing to be settled somewhere.

Are you dreaming lately?  Feel like your life is taking a different direction?  Any advice about decision making/grad school options?