Pieces

It's like I'm starting from scratch.

There aren't any pieces here to work with.

How am I supposed to put myself together if I have to go out and grab pieces?

I'll look like a Frankenstein, just ambling toward whatever piece I think will look good once I've soldered it to myself.

And will it be the real me?

How do I know I'm real? How can I be sure I'm the 'real' me? Is it all just make-believe?


I'm fairly certain that no matter how I answer this question, TIME will be part of the equation.

You don't spring into being overnight.

It's a process.

But what that process looks like...is anyone's guess.


Unfortunately, I want someone to tell me how to know myself.

Aren't there steps for this sort of thing?

Can't I be tested?

"Kaitlin is great at ______________. She isn't so good at ____________ so she should concentrate on being something like a ________________ or ______________ or maybe _____________."

And the problem with those types of tests? They might show my aptitudes, but they won't show the type of person I AM.

If I'm a type at all right now, or if I ever was.

It's completely, utterly frustrating.

The more pieces I pitch out, the emptier my shell is (of course), and the angrier I get that I hadn't spotted this sooner. And are the pieces of my own making? Do I just assume they're there? Do I really have any?

How didn't I see I was an empty eggshell? Why didn't I figure out who I was before now?

Because now I have to figure that out if I'm to have any peace of mind, along with keeping a job, balancing an extremely tight budget, wondering if I'm even God's child or just a red-headed stepchild (pardon the expression...I've always hated it. I adore redheads) who's grasping at the hem of His robes and missing, and trying to figure out what I should do with my life.

And on top of that, I have to balance relationships that are either ending, beginning, going nowhere or going stale, try to keep the house clean, and maintain healthy sleeping, eating and exercise plans.

And try not to feel guilty for not practicing music. And trying to be ok with all my creativity being sucked away (if I had any in the first place).

What parts of me are make-believe?

What parts of me were molded by someone else?

What parts of me are stable? Are there any stable parts?

And how can I sort them all out, not knowing which is which?