Dying Dreams

Along with the elation of finishing a third NaNo came the realization that I don't believe I'm a writer. I have stuck with it for a long time (off and on) and I have come to the conclusion that it isn't something I am (and I could be wrong, but for now it's what I am considering). I do believe that I'm artistic and that something in me is trying to get out. I just haven't found the right medium yet, or spent enough time with one or several to see what it actually is.

I don't think I'll stop doing ScriptFrenzy and NaNoWriMo. I think it is a good exercise and might actually help me in my creative process. But for now I'm going to let writing drop and see what happens.

I've been thinking seriously about this for a while. It has crept in between sleepful nights (now that I'm juicing/exercising), happy moments (Thanksgiving, watching a new TV show, and singing), and exercise.

I just don't think I'm cut out for it.

But I can't give you a definitive answer as to WHAT I'm cut out for. That remains to be seen. And while it's frustrating that I've abandoned yet one more thing, it is becoming plainer and plainer that there is one thing that stands above all the other things I've tried to do with my life.

I'm pressing forward in the Aspirant process to become an Anglican Deaconess. It might be that the doors close. It might be that I should be concentrating more on my spiritual life than other facets of living. But when I strip everything away from myself, that Anglican Deaconess role stands like the Mirror of Erised in my soul, and I know that's what I should be focusing on. At least for now.

While it is sad to say goodbye to another thing, I'm not wringing my hands and depressed about it. Merely calm and a little relieved.

Maybe I was just trying too hard.

For now, I'm closing the curtain on that supposed part of my life and hoping that one day I'll know why I spent so much time trying so hard doing something I was just forcing myself to do.



That being said, I have had a lovely holiday week. Thanksgiving was, in all aspects, completely perfect. Stu's parents and aunt, my grandparents, parents, and brothers all met in Due West, S.C. for a day full of turkey, ham, casseroles, homemade fudge and sweet tea. Everyone gathered around two tables (that were sort of put together) and talked -- Grandpa with Stu's dad (same age, same occupations), Aunt Teresa with Grandma (same interest in medications, doctors, emergency rooms, and operations), Stu with his Mother, my parents with everyone, and me and my brothers. Everyone got along beautifully, laughing, trading stories, eating, and then some of us took a walk to get the Fall Photo Shoot that we do every year.

It was one of just two Thanksgivings I've had that have made me feel like I'm really experiencing Thanksgiving. Family coming together, no fighting or ill feeling, and a bountiful display of food. And lovely, lovely weather.

We drove to Due West and then to Charleston and then home. Even though I was sick, I managed to watch three great shows that I must now add to my collection of TV series to buy/watch: Big Bang Theory (sort of like Friends for our rather more nerdy generation?), Community (a show entirely its own...with characters you can't help but like but are deeply flawed, nonetheless), and New Girl (a quirky, optimistic view of how the world is, full of cute outfits, singing, and silly situations).

New Girl is wonderful - it's exactly the type of spunky, happy sunshine that I need right now, with a healthy dose of sad situations to make it bittersweet. I love Zooey Deschanel and I'm quite excited to see how it all plays out. This is its first season and I am anxiously awaiting tonight's episode!

(I also got Stu hooked on it so we're more likely to stay home on Tuesdays to watch it -- Muaha!)

And now, back to Kaitlin's "Blue Period" in journaling today:

There have been a lot of realizations lately. They never come at me one at a time, they kind of just tumble over in a pile all over me and I have to sort them out one by one like Christmas ornaments.

Realizations:

1. Whatever I am going to do with my life, I'll have to do it alone.
2. I have a difficult time trusting people.
3. I do things for people in hopes that they'll want to spend time with me one day.
4. By throwing myself into the same situation again and again, I never give my wounds time to scar over. It takes me a long time to heal.
5. I despise, above all else, someone who cannot respect or think of other people. ...Why am I constantly surrounded by these individuals?
6. I am big on manners. Apparently most people are not. (Or at least, not to the degree I take them)

Whew. That's a lot to handle.

I was thinking about what I wanted to do with my life (picturing myself being interviewed by Conan, which is a daydream I often go to when I have nothing else to occupy me) and I realized that no matter how much I love being with people and creating with them, it's not going to happen. I can't force it, and I've tried for years. Whatever it is I'm meant to do will have to be done by myself. I can't make anyone come with me.

Because of situations that are currently happening and have happened in the past, I don't trust people. It is beyond impossible for me to completely let down my guard with anyone. I'm not even getting better at it. I'm better at pretending that I have nothing to hide.

There's a situation I'm currently dealing with that I've never had to deal with before, and I don't know how to handle it except pretend nothing's happened. The other person is completely oblivious (for all intents and purposes) and we are no longer the bosom friends I thought we were. I don't know what I did (although I have a shrewd guess) and now I get to see them every week and pretend that I'm happy they chose other people to be friends with. Plainly put, it sucks. I have a knack for finding people who are about to collapse into a pit of despair, and then pull them out, only to have them push me in when they leave. So either something's wrong with me, or I should be a counselor. Usually when this happens, it's about time for my family to pick up and move. Not this time. I am forced, weekly, to endure the searing pain of being ignored, forgotten, moved on from.

I have a friend in a similar boat, and comparing notes, they mentioned that they needed time away to heal. Unfortunately, I have a commitment to the place and can't leave, for now. So how do grown-ups deal with this unfortunate mess? Apparently, no one knows.

I'm really not sad. I've been juicing and exercising (took a one week break for the holidays) and I feel so much better. I have more consistent sleep and better food, which ups my mood, and I can tell I'm losing weight (not too much, but just under my chin and in my fingers). I've been married three years now and honestly, it just keeps getting better. (Even while we get poorer and poorer - haha!) I have had a great year with family interactions, which are much more positive than they usually are (am I growing up, perhaps?), and I have done several new things, thanks to Pinterest. I've also found 1 video game that I like and a bunch of new music, movies and TV.

So really, I'm happy. There are so many things that I could be depressed about but having a loving husband who likes goofiness and simple food, and participating in a class that could potentially lead to a vocation are two of three anchors in my life. The other anchor really is having a church where I can worship in a way that is tangible to me, and being able to read the Bible in a way that makes sense to me (I am eternally grateful, Eugene Peterson).

Those three things are worth any amount of horribleness I have to endure.

And now, to something I truly do love: Voice Lessons.