Back and Forth

I go back and forth between wanting to be with people and secluding myself. I think it hurts too much to be with people because I am starving for affection. I don't want to force myself on anyone so I turn into a hermit, living via Netflix and Tumblr. 

I'm lonely. And no matter how many friends I have, no matter who comes into my life after this, I am suffering alone. 

I'm still asking why. I'm beginning to think that there is no reason. I've created many - I took him for granted, I didn't love him enough, I pushed him too hard, I was moving past him in terms of seeking out the life I wanted, I didn't catch what was wrong in time, a whole long laundry list of things that make it my fault.

Maybe I could trace it all the way back to losing his father. He lost his father; he turned to food; he grew up poor; he needed help that he couldn't get; one thing after the other turned into a blood clot that separated us.

Maybe there is no answer to the billions of "why" questions I scream silently every night. 

Maybe bad things just happen.

So what comes after that?

What comes after accepting that life is wretched and horrible things occur just because it sucks?

Isn't that nihilistic? Shouldn't there be some meaning behind it? Shouldn't I be able to derive hope from something like this?

I don't. All I see is that stories let me down. I can't trust anyone, even the person I loved the most. He left me. God left me. I am abandoned. I am alone.

Life is dark. It's pain, it's agony, it's ugly. People are dying. People I love will die. I will die. And for what? Because some stupid humans listened to a son-of-a-bitch serpent? Who would let that happen? Why would someone create these things when they knew this would happen?

I don't know how to respond to myself when these thoughts pour into my head. There aren't any ready answers. How do you comfort someone who is grieving? How do I comfort myself? I don't know. I don't know, and it kills me. Because if I can't find some answers, I don't know how to go about living the rest of my life.

If it's pointless and things just happen, then what's the point in keeping on? I'm just going to die anyway. I am so afraid of death. It was so close to me. I would rather choose my death then have it surprise me again.

But I'm so afraid to die. I go back and forth between wishing I was dead and praying that I won't end up in hell to believing that everyone will be in heaven. I turn around and around, seeking comfort, but there's none to be had.

What happens when the bottom falls out of your life and everything goes with it? Where does faith come in? Where does hope come in? It doesn't. At least not in my case. Not yet, if ever.

So how do I go on from here? I'm tired. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm barely surviving. What do I have to live for? I'm still here because I know how selfish it would be to give up. The people in my life do not deserve to have to deal with another death. It's unfair. So I'm still here. But I don't know why.

I think if someone could answer just one of my why questions, and if I could know that what they said was absolutely true, I would have some glimmer of hope, some measure of comfort. But no one has an answer I believe. Maybe my trust issues are to blame.

All I've really seen in this is that life is the shits. We are born into this ugly, forsaken world and we fight to survive, only to die in the end. I fought my whole life to believe in happy endings, only to realize that this world doesn't have one. How am I supposed to feel about that?

I feel angry. Hurt. I was lied to. It doesn't matter what the truth is anymore because no one told me any of it. My entire life has been one big lie. How do I go about finding the truth? Will I believe it when I reach it? What if I don't like it? 

I think that's really my problem. I don't like the truth. And this isn't a universe where I can go about changing it. The illusion of control doesn't work on me anymore. I'm here, and things will happen to me. I cannot do anything about it. I feel like my life has been raped. Like my life-virginity has been taken from me. Life has used me and cast me aside. I'm useless now, all the hope sucked from me.

How am I supposed to live with that?

I've moved on from Why (mostly). I still ask it, but I no longer expect an answer.

I've moved on to How. How am I supposed to live now? How am I supposed to live my life when I have no control over it? Should I just let things happen to me? How am I supposed to do what I want when I can't control what happens? How am I going to keep on living?

I don't want to fight anymore. At least, my brain doesn't. I think my heart is stupid, because it keeps beating. For some reason, I've never taken that last step. For some reason, part of me wants to live. But it's no use asking "Why". No one ever answers.