From Rebirth To Rape

I dreamed a few nights ago that I was at my grandparents' house. It was dark and silent. There wasn't anyone there except for me.

And my dead grandfather.

He was lying facedown on the couch and he'd been there a while. He was deteriorating, becoming a cold, white mass of clay.

I kept staring at him, thinking about him - his big ears I always liked so much, his beard that made him look like a gnome, his laugh, his twinkling eyes. I loved him.

And then his face turned.

I saw his eyes. They were open. He was breathing again.

He slowly turned back into the grandfather I knew. He was alive. He got up and we talked about this miracle, that he had been dead and now he was alive again.

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Last night I dreamed that I told one of my friends something about me, something personal about my sexual nature (or rather, the irony of something scientific and sexual about myself when I am an asexual). They teased me about it and I left shortly after.

That night, they came into my room and got on top of me, holding my neck with one hand and kissing me, attempting to replicate something I had told them about myself. I struggled and struggled, but they were bigger and heavier than me.

Before it got worse, they got off of me and thought they had succeeded in what they had wanted to do but they hadn't and I told them so.

And then the room went dark and I woke up.

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I hate dreams like those. They color my interactions for the next several days and I never reveal what the cause is behind the awkward interactions. It's yet another reason to be afraid of people, another layer in my trust issues.

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I've never been raped except in my dreams. I always wake up before the worst part but it was so real (I can feel them on top of me and I can feel them touching me) that I feel like I have been raped. Why does my brain torture me like this?

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I grew up assuming I would be raped one day. I've never even come close in real life to being raped. Two of my siblings were molested but I was never even approached.

In the back of my mind, I've always thought, "Am I not desirable enough?"

How creepy and twisted is that?

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I had a dream once about someone I knew. They raped my sister and I was so fucking enraged that I cracked their ribs while I screamed at them, "WHY DIDN'T YOU WANT ME LIKE THAT?"

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It bothers me, this repetition of rape in my life. It's  horrific and I don't know why it keeps popping up. I hate that people are so cruel and evil that rape happens. I hate these crimes. I hate that people are raped. I think it is one of the most evil things a person can do to another. But I wish it wasn't such a big part of my life. I wish I could forget that this happens. I wish I could forget my dreams where it happens.

I don't really know what to do about it.