It was different from my previous hypnotherapy sessions in that we didn't use any tech. We didn't use the light-blinking-sunglasses or the headphones or the music or anything. I just laid back in the recliner and relaxed.
While I was "awake" the whole time, I could feel my body relax and then move without me, and I was completely inside my own head. The room and sounds disappeared and it was just me.
We started out in a long hall full of doors. My hypnotherapist asked which doors I'd like to go through.
I went right to my two-year-old self and Morgan's accident. My body freaked out -- it tightened up and I could barely breath. I started crying. It was weird to feel my body curl up without me.
We went through a typical process -- if I were my older self next to my younger self, what would I do/say to comfort/advise my younger self?
I thought about what had happened. My parents were focused on Morgan, everything they had went into seeing him and making decisions about him and grieving over him.
I was shuttled off to a friend's house. I wasn't allowed at the funeral. I wasn't allowed to go to therapy. And then the next year, my sister was born. Then my brother was born two years later. Then my next brother was born.
I was a complete outsider still forced to live in a family circle that had abandoned me.
The truth slammed into me like a brick wall.
When Morgan had his accident, my parents forgot about me. They abandoned me. Their grief was too loud to hear my voice, and I've been silent ever since.
They still can't hear me. But they won't let me leave.
So my whole life I've been trapped inside, unable to scream for help.
I don't think I realized how damaging, horrifying, and lonely that was for me.
I was trapped in a tower like Rapunzel, forced to play Cinderella to the family, and they are still trying to keep me in that fairytale role.
Maybe that's why I've always insisted I'd rather be a superhero. Superheroes don't/can't have family. They take their own lives into their hands and rescue other people. They are alone, but a beacon of hope for other people. And sometimes they join with other superheroes and save the world.
I am The Superhero Princess.
And I will be free.
This makes me think of the scene in Dexter when he has the dream or vision of going back to the day his mom was killed. He walks into the room and takes out the guys who are coming at her, and his child-self looks up at his adult-self, and there's this moment between them. I thought it was such a powerful scene because you feel the child-self's longing to be saved. No one saved him at the time. But now that he's an adult, you feel like it's possible for him to go back and save himself.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Kate, and I believe in you. You are the Superhero Princess.