On My Own

I dreamed I was in a small, old house where my parents were staying.

It was a cottage type house, with small rooms, wood floors, rugs, and a narrow hallway.

I was in the back bedroom, putting clothes on white plastic hangers (my brown lace top and blue jacket are the ones I remember - neither of them quite fit me).

Adam Scott was staying with my parents, and I asked him if he could give me a ride but he was going to make a presentation that day and he was already running behind schedule. He put on a blue tie to go with his brown tweed suit and left.

I remembered I had a video to show my parents, who were both working at a table by the front door. They were hunched over the card table with a little computer and some papers. I pulled up the video, which was a clip someone had found of Justin Bieber as a little boy.

He was singing to himself, a song about how his mother would love him if he sang and made a lot of money. It was heartbreaking because he really wanted his mother to love him, but he was going to have to sing in public when it wasn't what he wanted to do with his life. But for her love, he had no other choice.

I wanted my parents to understand.

But they didn't even pay attention.

I looked up from the video, having been totally engrossed, and they were just back to working on their computer and papers.

I went back to the room, angry. I kept rearranging the clothes, and asked another boarder (a girl) if I could get a ride with her, but it was a no go as well.

Then my mom started talking about playing music, and she wondered aloud if I would play harp for a church event they were doing.

"No," I said. "I hate playing."

Silence.

But then I walked out of the bedroom and down the hall and faced them.

"I know you've spent thousands of dollars on harps and lessons, but I'm done. I haven't played in a few years." And then I think I went on to explain how it makes me feel - like that's all anyone ever sees when they see me, how competitive it made my siblings and I, how I always felt inferior because they could transpose and pick up instruments quickly and I was left in the dust to puzzle over chord structure for five years. My only claim to fame was reading music quickly. "I haven't gotten rid of the harps yet," I said, "partially because I don't know whose they are." [My parents, grandfather and I split the cost] My parents didn't really look at me while I said all this, just stared off in the distance like they were ignoring me again.

"Anyway," I said, "thanks for listening."

And I got my clothes and walked out on my own.