Back and Forth

I have been yanked back and forth by my inner struggles for the last six weeks.

One day I love everybody and want to be with them and take the initiative, and the next day I'm sobbing in my room because I feel like no one goes out of their way to be kind to me.

I'm trying to tell myself that this in no way means I have cruel friends. I don't, in fact. They are quite wonderful. But this depression has warped my brain so that I need/want more than people are capable of giving and that's where the disappointment comes in.

I cannot expect people to give me what I want, especially since at this point I am very needy. I am still getting used to the idea of being a widow and I miss my spouse more than anything in the entire world. I do not have someone like that and probably won't and I'll have to deal with that.

I also cannot expect younger people to understand or have time to take care of me. They are figuring out themselves and can barely take care of their own things let alone reach out to someone else. It isn't fair for me to expect things of them.

So what do I do? How do I communicate that I don't blame them for feeling this way but knowing that I need more than people are capable of giving? What if I need so much that there isn't anyone who can help me? Why do I need more right now?

I hate it. I hate being this way. I want to kick depression in its ugly face. I want to be free of it once and for all. But instead I just stair at the ceiling and tears leak out of my eyes because no one seems to care about how much I'm hurting.

I feel selfish (even though I know that I'm in pain and that my feelings are valid). I feel stupid. I feel alone.

I just feel sorry that my friends have to deal with me right now. I'm not the "fun" me they knew last semester. I can't be her anymore. That was me trying to push myself out of a hole and for once jump headlong into something I didn't worry too much about.

Guess what? It blew up in my face and now I'm shaking in my room afraid to reach out to people in case they decide to slash at me (emotionally). I want companionship so badly that I'm starving for affection but no matter who reaches out or how much, I'm the dog that has been abandoned and I just don't trust people any more.

This jumble of trust-abandonment-rejection issues needs to be taken care of. I just don't know how. And what does it look like on the other side? Can people get through this?

All I can think of is that I wish I could just sleep the rest of my life away so I don't have to worry about being a failure, or that people don't actually love me, or that I won't ever be able to be healthy and happy ever again.