Reclaiming & Reinventing

I've decided to take back my childhood.

I was wandering in the library today, looking at all the picture books, and occasionally paging through them and laughing. My friend looked at me and asked, "Are you reading those and laughing out loud?" I nodded and she got a weird look on her face and said, "I think you're one of those people who get robbed of their childhoods and have to go through a second childhood later."

I told her, "Uh, yeah. That's me. But I'm ok with it."

I didn't get a childhood. Or not much of one.

And when I did get to act like a normal kid, I was told I wasn't being ladylike enough, or that my toys were evil (mom got rid of our My Little Ponies because they were "New Age"), or that we had to move and get rid of stuff (she threw away the box of carefully cut out paper dolls I had under my bed).

I dealt with a lot growing up. I lost a sibling. We moved every few years. We went through several natural disasters (a blizzard, a hurricane, a flood). I was an oddball that never fit in and my mother, the ever popular cheerleader, didn't know what to do with me.

So as I was wandering today, an idea that had been forming in my head for quite a while finally asserted itself.

I'm taking back my childhood.

I'm going to relive and experience things that I didn't get to do or that I just miss (or missed). I'm going to buy myself toys. I'm going to play. I'm going to dream. I'm going to be the kid I was meant to be.

But, I can't just relapse back into a five year old. I need to work a job. I need to be responsible. I need to find something I can do with my life that I love.

Hence the idea that started fizzing in my brain...

What if I could combine the two?

What if, for every responsible decision or milestone, I reward myself with allowing myself to play?

I don't know that I'd have a straight up system, but there'd be some type of goal and reward system where I could get further along with my life and then reward myself with buying a toy, or a coloring book, or picture book, or puzzle.

I know deep down that I need this, and no matter how weird it is, I'm going to allow myself to be what I need to be right now. Most of the time, that's a responsible twenty-something who relaxes at home after work with a glass of wine and a good movie, or a nice dinner out with friends. But sometimes I need to snuggle a stuffed animal while wrapped up in a blanket and eating goldfish while watching an animated movie.

Sometimes I need to be reminded that I survived.

But I also need to allow myself to live out the kid that didn't get enough playtime, enough fun, enough life to live. I need to let that little kid out and let her play.

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I'm also working on rebranding. I think about it a lot -- What I wear says something about me. How I wear my hair, makeup, jewelry, says something about me. My activities, pursuits, fandoms, Pinterest boards, everything I do and say and look says something. I want to be in harmony with myself.

While I am a kaleidoscope of different things (k-pop, classic rock and soundtracks for one; animated movies, dark psychological films and screwball comedies for another, etc.), I want to accept myself. The whole me. Whoever that girl is, with her mish-mash of loves, likes and dislikes.

I even went so far as to accept my whole body. Most of the time I just think of myself as a floating head (an actual condition). But I read something Tim Gunn said and I've been thinking about it ever since: "You tend to ignore the parts of you that you don't like." He was talking about basic hygiene. So I got in the shower and carefully, kindly went over my whole body with a washcloth and soap, repeating over and over, "This is my [insert body part]. I accept this."

That might sound stupid or crazy, but it was needed. I needed to accept that I am a short, round, large-chested woman with tiny feet and hands. I need to be ok with how my stomach looks right now, even though I'm being responsible and exercising and watching my calories. I need to accept who I am today so that I can learn to accept who I will be in the future.

If I can't accept who I am now, how will I learn to accept the person I will be later?

So I'm getting rid of stuff. Throwing out the clutter. Stripping everything bare so I can build myself back up.

Today I bought some accessories that spoke to me. They go with many of my favorite outfits. Something in me recognized them, like they belonged to me.

I bought a large rosin black rose ring. It's on my right hand. I wear a lot of black and I like dried flowers. I also bought a long, flat gold ring that reaches from one knuckle to the other. It's shimmery, sleek, kind of rock star. I also bought a bracelet. An owl with spread wings that reaches around my wrist. I love owls, bats, pegasus horses, griffins - odd animals with wings.

They look rock and roll, yet maintain a sense of class. I call my look Classic Rock and Roll. I like to dress girly occasionally, but I always want to rock, whatever I'm wearing.

It's a difficult process. I can't keep it all in my head. I write Favorite Lists, I add quotes to my Words To Live By Pinterest board, and I write blogposts like these to remind me that I am re-building. I've gutted the building that I used to live in, and I'm re-decorating.

It's time to show the world who I really am.