Dreams Drive You Mad

I always do this to myself.

I allow myself to get caught up again and again in a dream and I plot it all out, make lists, draw timelines, imagine it all...

...and then "reality" hits and I think, "how could that possibly happen?" and suddenly all I can see are the things in my way. Finances. Things I'm unable to do. Big what ifs. Impossibilities.

Then I try to convince myself that I could still make it work.

And I keep fighting.

Until I can't fight anymore.

And I put the tattered dream to rest.

It keeps resurrecting. It never dies.

And I always feel like I'm one step closer.

But today...

Today I think about how I'm going to have to do this alone. Somehow scrounge up money. Learn to drive. Somehow get a ticket and go into auditions. All the stuff I need to do to prepare. And there's that niggling little voice in the back of my head that laughs at me for my dream and points out all the reasons it won't work.

I'm not limber enough. I don't think quick on my feet. I don't have a great voice or body or face. It's hard for me to even process my own feelings.

What if I'm just setting myself up for failure?

Deep down I know I'm afraid.

I know what happens when you get what you want.

Something else has to be taken away.

There aren't such things as happy endings.

If I get this shot at happiness and magically am able to do what I want...I have to do it alone. There won't be anyone to hold my hand.

But even deeper down, I know there's nothing else in the world that can make me happy.

I will go mad if I can't at least try.