Thoughts

Thinking is the talking of the soul with itself.
(Plato)

Happy New Year, everyone.

Some years, the holiday season doesn't seem like the holiday season. Do you know what I mean? When all the lights, the lack of snow, and the Christmas movies don't make up for that empty feeling in my tummy as I watch everyone else open their presents.

It's a weird feeling. And I love Christmas. So I'm always sad when I realize that this is one of those years. I haven't figured out what the difference is. The last 2 Christmases have been empty. But a few years ago...it wasn't like that. There was a warm, golden feeling filling me and I knew that it was Christmas and I was anticipating waking up to snow and a warm fire in the stove and laughter and hot chocolate and friends coming over...

Maybe the only difference is the lack of snow.

And maybe the difference is something inside me.

These are the times when I like to pull out Relient K's "In Like A Lion (Always Winter)" and feel mellow for a while. There are a couple others in the same tone but I don't listen to them as often.

I don't know why I feel empty sometimes. I am afraid that it has to do with being human, and that won't change until I'm out of this body. There's no escaping the fact that some years, I will feel far away from God and the celebration of His Son's birth. And then, some years, hopefully, He'll feel wonderfully close.

I didn't make any New Year Resolutions.

Maybe I should concentrate on spending more time with God or exercising more or trying to achieve the 3 goals Stu and I have that we want to reach before we have kids, or...I don't know. I make resolutions throughout the year so New Year's isn't really a special time to make some changes.

I've been listening to Jay-Z & Linkin Park's "Numb/Encore" a lot the past few days.

But I'm not sad. In fact, I'm happy. I've got a wonderful husband, a cute little house, I'm almost done with school, and I've been doing some very agreeable crafty things for the past 5 days.

It's just...at times like this, when I feel empty and God feels far away, I doubt sometimes. I doubt that I really trust Him or that I'm really saved or whatever...I've always done that. When I don't feel close to Him, I don't doubt His existence. I know He's there...I just think that maybe I'm not saved and maybe I'm just kidding myself.

I guess I should just pray about it and ask for assurance. Again. At least God doesn't mind repeat requests, right? I think I've lost my way a little...I don't read the Bible like I should, and I'm even praying less than I usually do, and that's weird because I usually pray A TON. (Not proud of that - just a fact)

I'm dealing with a few things...not too big, really...maybe I'm just trying to grow up and leave the past behind. I don't know. I just...wonder sometimes.

I'm the kind of person that if I acted on my impulses, I'd get thrown in an asylum. For the insane. I guess maybe everybody would if they obeyed their EVERY impulse. But...I do wonder sometimes. "What if I..." Or "What would happen if..." Maybe I'm a writer and it's all the ordinary process of becoming a writer/artist or maybe I'm just really someone who would have gone crazy if not for God.

I'm a really violent person in my head. I'm also bizarre. Just...crazy. Thank goodness I have enough self control to not follow even one of my impulses. There's still that other side of the brain that reigns with reason...for now.

I don't know why I'm writing this...I just feel like I can't talk to anyone about some things that have been on my mind for...months. There's not a "safe place" where I can pour all the poison that's in my head and my heart. I'm asking for forgetfulness...forgiveness...a new opportunity...anything to change the way things are right now.

I don't like who I am. I don't like who I've become since coming to school, but I really hated who I was before coming to school. So that's at least progress. I like the way I'm beginning to look - more grown up, I've started growing into my nose and I've sort of made peace with how much weight I'm carrying...but I want to exercise.

Anyway...I'm so happy I'm married. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. To know that someone loves me for me and that they love me no matter what. My husband has been an amazing example of Christ for me. I love him more every day and I hope that we share many more years of happiness together. I might end up being a better person because of him. I hope so.

I could have ended up so screwed-up. My life has been in a downward spiral for quite some time...and right when I thought things were going to get so much worse...they got, inexplicably, better.

The love of my life stepped in and rescued me. With God's (and Dr. Blewett's) encouragement, Stu came in after me and pulled me out of the darkness. No one knows how bad it actually was...it was really, really bad, and really, really dark. I am grateful every day that Stu had the courage to tell me that he loved me. It changed my entire world.

So this year...I'll try to let him know how much it meant to me. I have him to thank that I'm still alive to celebrate this new year.

Happy 2009.